How should I refer to my father’s second (or subsequent) wife who I have only known as an adult. Naturally, I call her by her first name generally, but how should I indicate the relationship to strangers?
If I say “My stepmother did xxx” it sounds (to me) as if she was there when I was a child. My father’s second wife sounds clumsy. My children still call her “Aunty” which was a good compromise as they already had a full set of grandparents but a stranger would assume a blood relation.
Well, I don’t have the same association that a stepparent must be somebody who was in the picture when you were young. If you want to make it clearer, then possibly “recent stepmother” or “stepmother of X years”?
Unless relevant, strangers don’t need to know how many wives he’s up to. Plus, with this usage it’s obvious to them she’s not your mother or long-time stepmom.
If you use the term “my father’s wife” , or “my fathers current wife” anyone else must surely work out that you didn’t say “my mother” for the reason its not your mother.
Or you could say “my stepmother, who became that in 2005, did X” or otherwise introduce the relationship and the date it started.
I tend to use “stepmother” or “my father’s second wife”.
I think it communicates the detail of the relationship but not a close family bond, which is an accurate description of how things are.
Of course, I’ve known her since I was in Cubs, so “Akela” is an option …
My brother went through a divorce a few years ago. He has a 25 year old son, Bob. When my brother introduced me to a woman he’d been dating last xmas, I said, “so, you’re Bob’s new mom?”
Same situation here. I’ve called her my stepmother mostly because for the first half of the time I knew her they were committed but not married. Girlfriend didn’t seem right so I got comfortable with stepmother after too many time of tripping over (“my father’s… Judy”). Then they got married so stepmother was fine. But then dad died, so she became my former stepmother. Still a surrogate grandparent to my kids, though they came aftery father’s death, and introducing her as my father’s widow seemed unnecessarily sad after years passed. Stepmother it was.
She died this spring herself. RIP, Judy, and thank you.
What about calling her “Mrs [your father’s last name]”?
I would also suggest for this discussion, that there are at least two separate labels you might need.
One for when you are talking ABOUT HER to someone else, and another for when you are talking TO HER, or in her presence. This is because there are two separate concerns or goals that anyone has, when labeling a living being: one is to make clear to whom they are referring, i.e. basic communication values, and the other is showing proper respect to the person.
The most subtle thing for you to consider, is WHY you want to choose a given label. Some people select one label or another because they like or dislike the person they are referring to; some are worried about accuracy, and don’t want to chance that the people they are talking TO, will get confused, or get the wrong impression about their feelings about the person being referred to.
Since my father and I have the same last name, referring to her as Mrs Bob++ would be confusing. “My father’s wife” looks the best so far; I agree that anyone who cared would realise that “my father’s wife” is not my mother in this situation.
I guess it would be even more difficult if they had not actually married.
My wife and I had a similar discussion just yesterday…involving what to call a mother-in-law, how to refer to her to one’s family, how to address her. Different cultures may have different methods…in my humble opinion, I think a wife could respectfully call her husband’s mother "Mother (first or last name). IMHO, just using her first name isn’t quite respectful enough. To the kids, “Grandmother (last name)”. When it gets into stepparents, though, I’m at a loss. I always settled for their first name when addressing them, ‘Dad’s wife’ when referring to them, “my Stepfather” when referring to Mom’s second husband.
My wife always called both my parents by their first names, as I did her parents. Children were no problem as they were Gran/Grampy/Grandad/Nanny. I think that formal titles are a thing of the past - even at work now it is not usual to call the boss “Sir/Ma’am” (unless one’s boss is The Queen).
That’s what I used when my dad & his second wife were in the picture. I was 30-something when he remarried. IMO it’s 100% factual and 100% value-neutral. You can use tone to tint it favorably or unfavorably as your long term attitude & immediate mood dictate.
Yes. This.
That does have the virtue of letting you loudly communicate your displeasure at every opportunity. Or is that a vice? Depends on the family I guess.
Nope. Regardless of my attitude to the woman, one role she never had the opportunity to play simply due to our ages was “mother” to me. So that’s not properly part of her title.
IMO … Particularly in this day and age where, even totally ignoring divorces, so many people have non-traditional relationships, mother/father and husband/wife are almost orthogonal concepts. Using one as a synonym for the other always carried the potential to be factually wrong, but nowadays the odds are greatly increased that A) it *is *wrong, and B) the error will be seen as offensive. So don’t do that.
My wife always referred to her stepparents as stepmother (whom she didn’t grow up with) and stepfather (whom she did).
I had a harder problem. After my father died, my mother married his brother (whose wife had also recently died). I called him uncle (since I always had) but referred to him as stepfather rather than go into explanations.
I was in a similar situation (father remarried when I was 15 but I never lived with him and her) and I generally said “stepmother.” “My father’s wife” is also objectively accurate, but it distances you from the relationship. It depends on how you want to project your feelings about her.
Stepmother: You feel like you have a personal relationship with her, and she’s part of your family
My father’s wife: Your only relationship is due to a decision that your father made and you have nothing to do with her.
My father’s second wife: TMI. Your father’s business and nobody else’s.
My dad was in your situation. He never once referred to her as “stepmother” or “mother.” I am actually pressing to think of a time I heard him describe her at all*, but I’m sure he would have said “father’s wife.”
*Not that he doesn’t acknowledge her or they don’t get along. I just can’t think of who he would need to introduce her to.
