We have 2 vacations planned with our daughter and her family this year. Her kids are our only grandkids, aged 5 and 10. In April we are going to Disneyworld, and in August we are going to Door County WI.
My son and is wife live in Denver and are HUGE Disney fans. They have repeatedly suggested that they would like to come to Disney with us, suggesting their expertise will enhance our trip. In the opinions of myself, my wife, my daughter and her husband, coordinating two families through Disney as we prioritize the kids’ experience - is plenty. However expert and well intentioned, we simply do not want to add 2 more cooks to the broth. I think we have managed to convey that message. But, of course, if my son and his wife wish to hit Disney at the same time as us, they are free to do so.
WRT Door County, one of my wife’s sisters has made plans to stay at the same resort as us the exact same days. Our focus for that trip is enjoying a laid back vacation with our kid and her family - NOT coordinating some bigger thing. My SIL and her husband are fine, but she does tend to be more indecisive and bossy than I prefer. Not what we desire on this type of vacation. We’ve gone to this place with our kid’s family before. We know the dynamic we enjoy. We don’t care to add additional texts or phone calls to coordinate anything. If we see them on the beach or by the pool, that is fine.
Sometimes I wish I were the type of person who enjoyed big raucous gatherings or activities that involved ongoing coordination such as “Where do we go for dinner?” But I’m not that type of person.
But I’m kinda shocked at the idea of people - even family members - inviting themselves to someone else’s scheduled vacations. Anyone else ever invite themself along in this manner? Or have experience dealing with people who did this?
Maybe something along the lines of ‘sorry, we’ve already got a really full itinerary*, but let us know if you end up going there too, maybe we can meet for dinner one of the nights’.
If you come right out and say no, you run the risk of hurt feelings and/or them not taking no for an answer and shoehorning themselves into your vacation. At least this way you’re giving them the opportunity to shoehorn their way into a few hours of one day. They feel like they ‘won’ and you don’t have to spend the entire vacation with them.
This is the part that worries me. Whether they genuinely feel this or it’s a line of BS, ISTM like they’re trying to make you the bad guy for not accepting their invitation. You may end up having to come right out and tell them they can’t butt in on your, already planned, vacation.
Maybe, if it seems like feelings might get hurt, offer to go on [all or part of] a vacation with them at some point in the future. Let them plan it, let them take care of all the details and you can simply relax.
And note, “I’m just going to find a spot to sit with a beer/fruity drink/soda and watch the world go by” is an acceptable part of a vacation itinerary. I find a lot of people try to stuff too much into too little time, they never get a chance to just sit in a place and absorb its vibe. I do this a lot. When I was in Hong Kong in 2019, I spent about an hour just sitting on a bench watching people get on and off the ferries across the harbor, seeing them use these things as just a part of their everyday life.
I agree this is troubling, and it’s gatekeeping sort of behavior. The implication is you’re going to “do Disney wrong” and you need a guide or you’re wasting time and money.
Walt’s original parks were designed to be intuitive. You were supposed to wander, discover, sit, watch, enjoy. There’s supposed to be a surprise around every corner, not just another itinerary checkbox. I get the sense OP is not the sort of person who needs to min/max every moment of their trip.
Speaking for myself, I would prioritize the relationship with my son over a Disney trip. If he wanted to come along, I would make the best of it. I personally don’t like dealing with lots of people on vacation and all the plans and complications that come from it. I would much rather have as few people as possible on the trip. However, that is not how everyone feels. If I were to tell people that I don’t want them on the trip, it would harm my relationship with them. So for the good of these relationships, I often have vacations where there are way more people than I prefer and I have to get involved with stuff like endless discussions about where to go to dinner when I’d be fine with a ham sandwich. I’m not sure if there are any ways for you to tell your son not to go on the vacation without it harming the relationship you have in some way. That doesn’t mean that it would break the relationship, but I’m pretty sure he’d harbor sore feelings about it.
I feel the same way, let the son and DIL join you. Maybe they’d go off doing adult Disney stuff and meet up to join you in line for kid stuff. Maybe they’d get to know their neices and nephews more. Make memories and all that. Be upfront about expectations wrt your grandkids. @Dinsdale is this the son you’ve written about that you feel a lack of connection between you both?
As a Disney fan myself, I totally get this. I’m always looking for a reason to go to Walt Disney World (WDW), especially with family.
And I also understand the impulse to offer their expertise. Going to WDW without a plan is recipe for standing in endless lines and finding out that many of the things you want to do is has no availability, especially in peak times. April is not quite as busy as other times of the year, so that is a plus, but these days, WDW is really never not busy.
But with all that said, it is certainly your prerogative to plan your own trip. It’s nice to hear that you have no objection to them going at the same time. If they go, you could then possibly coordinate plans at some point (like meeting for a meal or other activity) without planning the whole trip together.
Years ago, my stepdaughter (another big Disney fan) would find out we were going to WDW and fly down at the last minute to surprise us. It was all very informal and didn’t affect our plans one bit. She might meet us for a meal or two, maybe hang out at the pool with us, or simply text us that she was in the same park.
Yeah - that is pretty much how we feel. Disney would probably be a decent destination for a larger group, because everyone could just decide what they want to do at any point. My wife and I are not big fans of Disney - would not go ourselves if not for the grandkids. I think I posted a prior thread to that effect. And the grandkids can tend towards the - uh - not entirely easy going? I already imagine that I will spend my share of the time sitting by a pool, or on a bench watching the world pass by. There will be more input than I prefer. The addition of my son/DIL’s well-intentioned energy is not something that I anticipate will enhance my - or my grandkids’ - enjoyment.
The one that bothers me more is SIL going to Door County. This is intended laidback time with our kid/grandkids. I wonder how she would feel if she told us she was making plans with HER grandkids, and we said, “Sounds great! We’ll join you!” Even well-intentioned morning texts, “What’s up? What are your plans?” will not enhance the vibe we are hoping for.
But that goes both ways. If I had a vacation all planned out (even if that plan was to do nothing most of the time) my relationship with them may be harmed if I’m angry/annoyed that they butted their way into to something I planned for myself.
He is my only son, so if I wrote that, it must be him. He is terribly enthusiastic about many things that just do not interest me. Disney, Harry Potter, gaming, SF, roleplaying. I’m terribly happy that those things give him joy. And I’ve made some effort, but they just aren’t my bag. So my idea of how to make a trip to Disney tolerable is not likely to be enhanced by him and his wife enthusing over why everything is amazing. To a non-fan, that level of enthusiasm can actually detract from an experience.
BTW - we are also going to Denver over the summer, where my son and other daughter live. There we will be able to do plenty of hiking, enjoying the outdoors, and just hanging out and conversing - where our interests DO greatly overlap.
Of course. But there are PLENTY of resources available that 4 reasonably competent adults can figure out something that will be acceptable for 2 kids aged 5 and 10.
That seems like a perfect excuse right there, thank him for the offer and explain that this trip is with [daughter] but you’ll be out there to vacation with him this summer and leave it at that.
You’re going away someplace cool & exciting (& expensive - &, if I remember correctly, you’re paying for some part of daughter’s family to be in Disney.) with your daughter. You’re hanging out in your son’s neighborhood & doing some local things. Not nearly the same.
Absolutely. I don’t really understand why someone would invite themselves. I would never even think of doing that. I wouldn’t even drop hints that I want to go. If someone invites me, I’d only accept if I really thought they genuinely wanted me to go. But we don’t get to pick our family. We put up with each other’s quirks and hopefully it all balances out.
Sure. But what’s your point? We have never made an effort to treat each of our kids identically equally financially. We just gave him a chunk of change when they bought a new house - without cutting identical checks to the other 2 kids. If he and his wife identified someplace they AND WE wanted to go, we’d likely pay for a trip. And we have done so in the past.
Maybe add in that my son and his wife each make more than my daughter and her husband both do. And that they do not have any kids. Giving our grandkids an experience their parents could not afford matters to us.
Yeah - likely a good idea. But we speak with our kids/siblings infrequently enough, and have little enough going on, that is is easy when someone asks, “Have any travel planned?” to tell them. And if they ask any follow up questions, it can be more work to obfuscate.
I dunno exactly what you are asking whether I said to our son.
Our kids all know that we do not try to “even out” our gifts to them. If they wish to try to compare our generosity, they are free to do so.
A week or 2 ago we told him we were planning on focussing on the grandkids. And stated the obvious that, if he wanted to go, he surely could. We did not offer to pay for him and his wife. He has not mentioned it since and we have not brought it up.
Normally I would say that, “I’m sorry, it’s just not possible,” is a sufficient response, but considering it’s coming from your son and DIL, that changes the dynamic. What if you told your son, “This trip isn’t really about Disney, it’s about us spending time with the grandkids - Disneyworld is just the setting. If you want to share your passion for the Mouse with your sister and her family, though, they’d probably love it if you went with them this summer.”? Or perhaps a little less diplomatic would be, “Perfect! You and your wife can show your sister and her family around Disneyworld, while your mom and I stay poolside at the hotel drinking!” Of course, you should forewarn your daughter in either case.
I do not think, however, that their offered expertise is well-intentioned. It reads to me as an opportunity to piggyback on your plans and cut their own costs at your expense. Maybe I’m not reading the situation accurately, though.