FWIW - the instance w/ my son is less significant - and seems like less of an intrusion to us - than the one with SIL. I’m not sure son ever suggested that we pay for him and his wife. They could easily afford it themselves.
And in fact, being an “expert” as an adult superfan with no kids has a high likelihood of not being compatible with the needs and joy of a party of 8 with two young children.
Obviously all families are different, but as an adult I would never consider inviting myself on a trip if I heard my mom was planning a vacation with my sister and her children.
I think that either one of the following:
- “We want to do this to spend time focused on grandkids without having to coordinate any other plans, sorry.”
- “If you wanted to go while we’re there, we could make plans to all be together at the park for four hours on X date plus dinner, but aside from that we want to spend the vacation focused on our grandkids.”
… are both incredibly appropriate and polite responses to an impolite imposition.
Your SIL is way out of line. In that case a communication that “hey, this is our vacation that we’ve planned with daughter and grandkids. We love you, but we will not be coordinating or planning any activities with you. Sorry if that feels bad, but you should have checked with us before making an assumption and booking your vacation to align with ours.” … is also totally appropriate. It all depends on how comfortable you are with setting those boundaries with her and whether the potential fallout feels worth it. But the issue here is totally hers, not yours.
My wife’s sister was that type of person. And always had to be in charge. “Now everyone, we’re all going to…” For various reasons, we are no longer on speaking terms..
Even my wife’s sister never went quite that far. But why let them horn in? Sorry, It’s aready booked now. Just Say No.
Ooh, can I come?!?
mmm
Yeah. Maybe you’re a little too talky about your plans.
But now it’s done you may have to just bite your lip with SIL. You’ve been around them before. It should be clear how they are.
Your Son and kids. That’s hard. I assume you are prepared to do some babysitting at Disney.
Don’t go. If it bothers you so much.
No I have never encountered this or invited myself along.
ETA…maybe you just have a welcoming countenance.
It is an easy drive from Chicago. She asked us about the place we went last year, as we enjoyed it so much. And asked when we were going. We didn’t say, “Just don’t go at the same time.”
Lotta people in this thread are advocating lying or pussy footing. Or suffering in silence. Those are all losing ways to play at long term relationships.
You have as much right to stand up for your interests as they do to stand up for theirs. They will, probably mostly inadvertently, run roughshod over your interests until you tell them in plain English what your interests are. They can’t be politely considerate of topics you keep a secret.
Both of those would annoy me, but the SIL would more.
How does your wife feel about it?
If not getting her to go isn’t an option, would preemptively telling her how many times you can meet, when and where work?
I’m on the sensitive side about this stuff. I don’t particularly enjoy travel because it usually does turn into this kind of free-for-all thing. I find changing plans upsetting and travel itineraries exhausting. I have a real hard time with the “more the merrier” types. Nothing is worse than someone inviting more people into a situation I thought I had set.
I find honesty is the best policy, and I’ve never really known anyone or had anyone in the family that didn’t respect my boundaries. “What you’re describing is not the kind of vacation I want to have. This is not a you thing, it’s just the weird way I am. I need to keep it small in order to enjoy it. Thank you for your understanding.”
People close to me just know this about me and respect it. When they come to visit us, they don’t take it personally when I spend some of the time alone in my room, or opt to stay home rather than go out with everyone, because I’ve communicated that I need periodic space and rest.
Same situation here, I think. Just make sure to emphasize that it’s you, not them.
Yes, this kind of direct statement of your needs is more likely to fulfill them than pretending you don’t know where you plan to go, or whatever.
My late wife’s family had an older mobile home (3 br) down at the beach for many years. My wife had a key to it, but we always checked well in advance with them to get permission to stay there for a week or so when we would take vacation time. Many, many times they would call us a week or two before our vacation time and tell us that they thought they would join us. I love them to death, but this meant they would get the one large bed. The other bedrooms had one or two twin beds. They were also quite religious and did not drink, so no beer or wine. The small living area could barely accommodate the four of us. And there was only a single bathroom. Romance? Yeah, forget it.
My wife would not discuss the issue with them. I finally had a frank talk with them and we solved the problem. My wife and I really appreciated the fact that we could use the place, but, given the circumstances, I would have preferred to simply rent a room at a beachside hotel for the week.
Wife is not pleased, but hesitant to flat out say, “We don’t want you there at the same time as us!” She flat out told SIL that we would enjoy seeing them on the beach, but did not expect to make plans with them for meals or outings, and that our focus would be on our grandkids. She had the feeling that SIL was angling for expressions of how much we were looking forward to her being there - which my wife declined to offer.
When. we go on this sort of vacation, we like to unplug and relax. Can spend time just reading or napping - NOT running around or engaging in group activities. I told my wife to prepare for her sister just sending regular texts of the, “Good morning - what’s up?” or “Want to go out for lunch?” variety. Such communication would NOT be a welcome addition to our plans. I probably won’t take my phone off the charger unless we are driving somewhere, and definitely will not be going on-line or posting here other than to possibly check a map or a restaurant’s location/hours. SIL also said they might invite friends to share her condo. We have no interest in hanging with her friends. Absolutely fine people, but not why I’m traveling to that spot.
SIL is not the kind of person who takes hints readily. But she WILL resent direct statements. And no matter how clearly you set out plans, she feels free to continually revisit and revise them (to best suit her changing whims) up until the final moment.
She has plenty of flaws - as do we. But we don’t have a ton of family nearby, so we prefer to not alienate her if possible.
If you are asking about how to take a family trip to Disney with your daughter’s family without inviting your son’s family who loves Disney that doesn’t make you sound shitty, I don’t have an answer for you.
That, even if it cost a pretty penny, as I’m sure it might, would have been much better than the heck on Earth that mobile home was (as you’re describing it).
I’m not sure that a Disney vacation with grandkids is going to be conducive to this sort of vacation. I’ve never gone, but from what I’ve heard, Disney vacations can be pretty tiring. The kids are going to expect a kid-centered vacation. They’re going to be go-go-go with rides, activities, meet-and-greets, etc. They probably won’t want to just hang out and relax. They’ll want to get to the park early, stay late, and be doing stuff constantly in-between. One advantage to having lots of people with you at Disney is that taking care of the kids can be a shared responsibility. When you need a break, you can relax while they take the kids on more rides or whatever.
May I be frank, that sounds like a bit of a drag, sitting by the pool or on a bench while at the happiest place on earth. Loads of fun Grandpa? Hands in pockets grimacing at the little people while looking for a quiet space to nap? So imo your “not so easy going” grands who have a different energy level to you might need a bouncy bouncy tiggerel like uncle to ramp up the joy while at Disney.
I think the “sitting on the beach” is meant to be at Door county, not Disney.
I can’t imagine taking kids to Disney and not spending the bulk of your time actually at Disney.
Well, that’s not the message. If sil happened to be there at the same time as you, and you never interacted, I’m sure that would be fine with you.
The message is, “we are looking forward to quiet time with our grandchildren, and we’d rather not try to arrange a bunch of family activities. We socialize best if it’s just a few people at a time. We’d love to spend some time with you, but not on this vacation, when we want to focus on the grandchildren.”
And ideally, couple this with a real invitation to spend time with them, at some other time.
And maybe compromise and do one family lunch. But just one.
Can i just say that i think it’s very weird that your family copies your vacation plans and arranges to stalk you when you are there? I sometimes make vacation plans with other people, friend or family. We discuss up front whether it works for everyone. Sometimes the answer is, “no”. We give each other space. I often skip out of big group meals, because those are awkward, take a lot of time, and you only get to talk to the 5 people closest to you anyway. Better to just go out in a group of 2-8.
Huh?? Everybody’s family dynamic is different I guess, but personally I don’t see anything in the least shitty about doing this one vacation trip with one set of family members without involving other family members who would want to focus the trip on different activities.
The OP’s son and DIL can go to Disney whenever they like, the OP isn’t depriving them of anything. It would be rude to say to them something like ”No! Stay away! We don’t want you there!”, of course. But there’s nothing rude or shitty about a gentle de-escalation along the lines of ”Of course if you’re going to be there at the same time we’d love to meet up at some point, but we’re planning to do this very low-key, and won’t be up for the full-on Dizgeek approach that you two like.”