Not to go too far back, but didn’t you have a thread last year about how your wife’s parents didn’t want to come to some birthday party, and that made you mad? If you have the same expectations of your brother then I would give some thought to what Cat Whisperer said. Yeah he was rude but the only behavior you can control is your own, etc. You may have a brother who doesn’t like kid’s birthday parties and can’t be bothered to fake it. If that’s the case, that’s something you can work with, by either (a) learning/preparing to deal with his apathetic behavior like an adult, or (b) telling him it’s cool if he can’t make it. Neither will ruin your kid’s parties. Option ©: yelling and getting in a fight, that does seem to ruin parties.
Don’t compare yourself to a bear unless you know you need to go to anger management counseling or if you are a truly gifted bear that can post.
LOL… Yes, that was me. Same kid too! I was disappointed and couldn’t figure out how to stop feeling slighted about it.
If he was there out of obligation, it was only out of self-imposed obligation (or Mom-imposed). He’s always trying to get a rise out of me (birthday party or not), and it almost never works. But this time the larger audience seems to have shut off the part of his brain that controls when to stop, as well as the part of my brain that knows how to deny him that satisfaction.
Until this point, I’ve left out a key detail that is really what turned it from “slightly-distracting” to “epic-named-massacre.” My father is the one who behaved the worst of the 3 of us. When I said I was asking Uncle Scott to head home early, my father launched into an f-bomb laden tirade that’d make a truck driver blush.
Without discounting my failure to defuse the situation early-on, my brother is repeatedly the source of frustration in the family and has been for over 10 years now. He’s a huge source of family stress for my parents who constantly fight about him. Living at home isn’t helping them, and it’s not helping his self-esteem. In a nutshell, my brother screws up in some way, one parent goes apeshit, the other coddles him (which parent plays which role depends on the screw up).
The answer is clear to me now. I’ve had anger issues in the past. I have them mostly under control, but in short periods of high stress, I partly lose that control. My parents & brother are big triggers for that stress, especially when there’s an audience.
**Solution: Control my reactions. Prevent my childhood family from gaining an audience. Remove any other possible stress point when interacting with my family. **
Ultimately, this means that my parents & brother get private visits. I’ll have to find a way to frame that as a bonus for them, rather than it looking like they are uninvited to a party. And that probably won’t be an issue for a few years because everyone would be perfectly justified in “being busy” if we were to invite anyone again.
I realize you’re talking about my brother, but that’s a tough mirror for me to look into too.
And my wife and I have already joked several times about how maybe we’d have been better off if my parents had been the snowbirds this time around 
I would have disabled the TV before they had arrived, and miraculously found the battery just when I needed it for the slide show.
What can I say, I used to have a seriously passive agressive boyfriend … if I needed to get to sleep in the evening before my 11 pm to 8 am shift, I had to take the plug wires from the stereo, boombox and tv, and lock them in my car. Telling him to keep it down wasn’t working. So he would get pissed off and go to a bar and hang out there, or go over to a friends house.
Funny, isn’t it that I could manage to cook, clean, watch tv or listen to music at 3 am when he was sleeping without waking him up?
I dunno. I wouldn’t make it seem like they’re not uninvited to the party. I’d specifically uninvite them from the parties, and I’d tell them why.
I think the 4 y/o daughter might be the most mature one here.
This. Our local Chuck E. Cheese has had three fights between adults, with the cops called, in the last year and a half. I would never go there, and managed to avoid both parties there to which I had an invitation.
I’m sure that there is much more to the situation that is put here, but my first thought was been there, done that, DTMFA.