I’ll do you one better: It hasn’t happened yet (AFAIK), but if a trailer contained the credits “Directed by Michael Bay; Screenplay by M. Night Shyamalan”, it would be 100% guaranteed to suck.
I’ve posted this same observation several times, but will share it again anyway.
Look at the blurbs from critics that they show in the print ads and TV commercials. It doesn’t matter what the reviews SAY, just look at where the reviews came from.
I don’t take the famous critics’ word as gospel, BUT if a commercial for an upcoming movie has to get positive quotes from obscure critics, that’s a VERY bad sign.
If there were rave reviews from the NY Times, or Rolling Stone, or Roger Ebert, or any mainstream critic, there would be blurbs from those sources in the ads.
But avoid any movie whose ads feature rave reviews come from any of the following:
- A radio station critic (especially from WMCA radio)
- Sixty Second Previews
- Cosmopolitan
Those sources invariably give great reviews to almost anything.
If it’s called ___ Movie, involving any of the Wayans family.
If it’s an installment of a franchise not featuring the primary character(s).
A ridiculous amount of explosions, especially oil-refinery-grade ones.
99% of the reviews from an organization that ends with “.com” are a bad sign, as well.
If Nicolas Cage’s hair is longer than four inches (and many other things).
CMC fnord!
Sometimes I’ll watch a movie, enjoy it, and my husband will ask if he’d like it. I will say, “No explosions or car chases, and lots of people talking. No, you wouldn’t.” Yeah, he LIKES explosions and car chases, and he particularly likes car chases that end in explosions.
We joke, sort of, that he outsources his thinking to me.
“Tyler Perry presents…”
°
Thanks!
Let me then ruin my own credibility by recommending the movie Hit and Run. It’s a car chase movie. But despite that, I enjoyed it.
I think what sold it for me was that Dax Shepard is a huge car buff. He made this movie because he honestly likes car chases and not because he was looking to sell tickets to some demographic. He got his real-life fiancee (Kristen Bell), some real-life friends, and some cars he actually owns and made a car chase movie. And the fact that everyone making this movie is having a good time comes through.
I enjoyed the only Paris Hilton movie I’ve watched. She’s got a talent.
I had almost exactly this problem with a superhero comic book series (JSA) several years ago. I didn’t start with the first issue, but came in in the middle of a lengthy story arc. While I picked up the names of the characters, after reading it for a year it suddenly dawned on me that I still couldn’t tell you what most of the characters’ powers were because the story moved so slowly that there was almost no “superhero action” in that entire 12-issue stretch. That’s a serious problem for a superhero comic, if you ask me. I dropped the title.
“Directed by Michael Bay; Screenplay by M. Night Shyamalan”, Starring Nicolas Cage."
I’ll raise you: “Directed by Michael Bay; Screenplay by M. Night Shyamalan, Music by The Bay City Rollers, Starring Nicolas Cage.”
“Directed by Michael Bay; Screenplay by M. Night Shyamalan, [del][COLOR=Black]Vaguely[/del][/COLOR] Based on a Book by Phillip K. Dick, Music by The Bay City Rollers, Starring Nicolas Cage.”
CMC fnord!
You forgot Earl Dittman, of world-famous Wireless Magazine.
If it’s promoted on the basis of awards given out at semi-obscure film festivals, my suckometer begins twitching.
Very true.
If it’s a Fast and the Furious movie that does not take place in or around Japan.
If it’s Star Trek V: The Final Voyage (movie 5 of what, 12 now?)
Nitpick: The Final Frontier, not Voyage, which makes subsequent movies less problematic. Still a bad movie though.
You are pointing the problem with the Jason Movies, where Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (#4 of 11) was followed by Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, which eventually lead to The Final Friday (9 of 11) followed by Jason X (that one was in space, so maybe it wasn’t on a Friday)
My suck signs: “Heartwarming” in any review/poster.
Movies made to capitalize on a pop-culture trend, especially one that’s already peaked. If anyone is making a Zumba movie, I don’t want to know.
If a trailer for a comedy uses its best jokes. It’s hard to describe how to detect this, but I almost always can.
Similarly, DVD previews for personal dramas that try WAY too hard to sell themselves as comedies are a huge red flag. (I’m glaring in your direction, Friends with Kids.)
When watching a movie, I often keep an eye on the time. If I never get an urge to check, you’re doing great. If I want to check and you’re farther along than I thought, then you’re doing good. If you’ve made me look at the time inside 15 minutes, we’ve got a problem. Likewise, if I’ve sat through the movie, and what should be the finale clocks in with a half hour or more left to go!? Screw you.
Bloated summer popcorn flicks are really bad about paddding run time. I like my movies efficiently brisk, 90 to 100 minutes. You’d better have a damn good reason for being long than two hours. The other offending movie type that violates this is the wannabe indie film where nobody involved could bring themselves to trim a “brilliant” script.
If the picture on the front of the DVD case shows a guy holding a gun, the movie will probably suck.
If the movie is not science fiction or fantasy, yet relies on CGI, the movie will probably suck.
If the movie has a hip-hop soundtrack, the movie will probably suck.
If it is a remake of a classic movie, the movie will probably suck.
This is a biggie. Only exception I can think of is for a movie like Borat where they legitimately just couldn’t put a lot of the jokes in the trailer because it was pretty raunchy humor. But generally if it’s a comedy “for everyone” and the parts highlighted in the trailer aren’t funny, that’s a flag.
If the stars on talk shows (Leno, Conan, etc.) are asked about the movie and their only answer is how much they enjoyed being around the other stars. As in, “Tell us a bit about the movie.” “Well it was great working with Vince Vaughn, he’s just a lot of fun to be around…” <—translation, I can’t in good conscience say something about the quality of the product… so I’m just gonna act as if the question was “Was it bearable to make this, at least?”
If even the hand-picked reviews from far corners aren’t raves. “John Bernaderarler of the Kansas City Star gave it 3 stars out of 4!” or “Funny” - Tripod.MoviesAreThereAndIReviewThemForMyBlog.com