Sure signs a movie sucks

When the have to put the authors name in front as in…

"Robert A. Heinlein’s The Puppet Masters."

Any others?

Any movie Starring, Co-Starring, or Also Starring Albert Brooks.

Last successful project middle names. When a film feels the urge to make sure you know that their actors were once successful, it’s feeling insecure about itself. Examples include Luke “90210” Perry, Ben “Daredevil” Affleck, and Ashton “Dude, Where’s My Career” Kutcher.

"The Special Effects Are Fantastic!" When you see this in a film’s promotional stuff, it’s a pretty safe bet that the special effects are quite good… and that there is absolutely NO OTHER REASON to see the film, because all other elements of the film STINK. Not a sure sign, but it holds true often enough to warn me off.

Any movie that…

…emphasizes its soundtrack
…is “From the producer of…”
…boasts “if you liked (other movie), you’ll like this”
…"is “by the director of” (the movie should stand on its own merits)
…features a movie poster without any pictures of its stars, but instead has badly drawn caricatures
…is a sequel to a movie you’ve never heard of

when the lead actor/actress is not there for the sequel.

Somebody (don’t recall who) said that when they praise a movie’s special effects, it’s like praising a book because the binding was really put together well.

when it’s directed by Michael Bay

Any movie that has:

Been expanded from a sketch on Saturday Night Live. Or: a star that is anyone who has ever acted in a sketch on SNL.

Spent more than half its budget on CGI.

The numbers 3, 4, 5, 6, or more in its title.

An earlier version that is a classic.

When the title is Police Academy folloewed by a number.

After watching the trailer, you have no idea whatsoever what the movie’s about, but that chick was really hot.

I was all prepared to go see that new movie about King Arthur, until I noticed that it was being touted as “from the producer of ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’.”

I mean, I liked PotC, but saying that means the movie can’t stand on the strength of anyone who had anything to do with the movie whatsoever.

The name “Menachem Golan” appears anywhere in the credits.

It is promised…

…to be a (something)-fest
…to be something you’ve never seen before (rarely happens)
…to possibly harm you in some way (you’ll die laughing!)

When they include a few review snippets in the TV spot…and they’re all from the same reviewer. And it’s some guy you’ve never heard of.

And if that reviewer is Earl Dittman…

When you see the trailer, and the bulk of it is simply quotes about the movie, and not dialogue from the movie.

When all the commercials show people talking about the movie, and no clips from the movie.

When it’s obvious from the trailer that the bought the right’s to a story, kept the title of the story, but cribbed the script from another movie which has nothing to do with the story they bought the rights for ( [Al Gore] I, Robot, I’m looking in your direction. [/AG] ).

Halle Berry is in it.

“See (actor) in a role that will surprise you.” - I’ll be surprised if it doesn’t suck.

“Never before has the screen (done something amazing)” - and it ain’t gonna start with this movie.

When the trailer spends more time telling you what movies the director made before (complete with signature lines and dates!) than what this movie will be about.

When the director’s name is more important than the movie title.

**M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village ** (yes, that’s the full title) is two-for-two.

When the blurbs are one word:

“Fantastic!” --drawn from review that said “The credit roll was fantastic, but the movie sucked.”

“Awesome!” --“The producer’s gall in putting this kind of crap up on the screen is nothing short of awesome.”

“Mind-boggling!” – “The depth to which [Director] has sunk is mind-boggling.”