How weird is my life? (or, What's fair?)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Okay, you gotta bear with me a little on this one. I have two separate queries to make here, but they’re so intertwined I really didn’t relish all the typing to make two separate threads. So, without further ado:

1.) I recently, tho probably temporarily, extracted myself from a rather odd living situation. I was married back in May of '91, and for the first many years it was fairly normal. Highs, lows, fights, makeups, the usual deal.

About three years ago I met a guy who quickly became my best friend (we’ll call him D). My then-wife (we’ll call her C) also liked him, a rarity amongst the pool of Sailors I had occasion to introduce her to. We ended up spending a lot of time together. At one point I suggested, as is seen with some frequency among low-paid military types, that we should all get a big house together and save on bills, as we were constantly in each other’s pockets anyway.

That didn’t happen right away. What did happen is that C and I started falling on rough ground. The fights became worse, and the makeups less satisfying. At one point, I suggested to her that if it would make her happy sexually, she might try sleeping with D a few times. Sort of a designated-hitter thing. Stunt double. Frankly, she was more than I could handle. I thought (for whatever stupid reason) that she’d be able to separate the sex from the love. Anyone see where this is going?

Yup, you got it. She fell out of my life and into D’s. The weird part is, it didn’t bother me as much as you might think. Hell, I think it shook him up more than me. But I’d already been going through separation for some months, and actually, we all ended up remaining quite good friends. C and I apparently make much better friends than lovers. In fact, it was all so good that we ended up renting that house I mentioned after all. She just changed out men in the master bedroom on the way.

The main reason we tried so hard (and succeded) in pulling it all together was for our little boy, who was about seven at this point. He essentially ended up with three parents, and a whole lot of love. C and I eventually got the divorce, and then she got hitched to D, but it was essentially all just paperwork. Nothing really changed - other than that I started paying child support (see part 2).

Well, D eventually got orders elsewhere and I just finished my enlistment and got out, so we had to break up our little commune. But C wants to get us all back together a year or so from now (when D gets out), here in Houston where I currently am. At this point, I don’t know what to think. I didn’t even bother trying to date and explain my bizarre situation to someone new in the little tiny town where we were before. But now, I’m single, and living free in the big city, and don’t know what to think about all that!

So, Dopers, what do you think? Should I look for someone who will understand, so I can still coparent my little carbon copy? Am I just out of my head for even considering it? Or, tell me about your experiences. Anyone else out there in a similarly odd situation, past or present?
2) Assuming we set up house together again, what do you guys think is a fair monetary arrangement? We were splitting the house expenses pretty much down the middle before, but I felt like I was kind of getting the shaft there. I mean, I’m only one guy, they’re two. I’m paying C $552/month for her to provide a place to live for our little boy, plus 50% of the rent and expenses on that place! Then again, she’s never made as much money, doing the working-mom gig, as either D or me, so it seems kind of much to ask her for an even three-way split. So, what? 60-40, them and me? What’s fair?
I hope at least somebody got through all this ranting. At the very least, it’s odd enough (I think) to make you keep going in wonder of what’s next! Anyway, give me some feedback here. Please tell me I’m not the only nutball on this entire board!

2

Since when are more-or-less harmonious households made up of people who care about each other, and whatever children may be present, weird?

However, I do think that you should split the rent in three. That’s the way we’re doing it with me, James, and Moishe, even though the latter are a couple.

3

60/40 sounds about right. Either that or thirds, it is up to you Big guy. I just have got to commend you for caring so much about your child to the point where you remained amicable to all parties involved (a rare thing at best).

4

BigGiantHead:

Looking at it on a strictly intellectual basis, I have no objection to your commune arrangement. But people are human, and you have to factor in emotions.

First consideration: In the past I have seen two arrangements that were somewhat similar. (In one instance, I was the new boyfriend dating a woman who still had her long-time ex-boyfriend living amicably with her in the same house. In the other, I was a friend of one of the people involved in the arrangement.) These arrangements looked okay from the outside, but once I saw them close up, I eventually came to the conclusion that there were some strange dynamics and emotional dependencies going on, and that one of the people involved (or even all the people) could have benefited by moving out.

Second consideration: If you move in with them again, I expect that getting into a long-term relationship with another woman is going to be a fairly herculean task. Everyone likes to think that they’re open-minded, but a lot of women in the dating circuit will admit that a man has one strike against him if he’s a single dad with children and two strikes against him if he is over 21 and he is living at home with his parents. I can only imagine what the scoring system would be for a guy who lives in the same house with his kid, his ex-wife, and her new husband.

I was out dating again after my divorce a few years back, and I would have had a lot of second thoughts if a new girlfriend told me that her household included a child, her ex, and the ex’s new wife. If she was outstanding in every way and very persuasive I might have given the relationship a try, but I would have been on the watch for danger signs. And based on the experience I related above under “first consideration,” I probably would have found those signs.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not making any moral judgement. You and the other members of your household could have a great arrangement. And if you really have the right personality and can do a lot of fast talking, then you could probably get a new girlfriend to at least put up with it temporarily, on a trial basis. Or, on the other hand, maybe it’s extremely important to you to be right there in the house to help raise your boy, and you don’t really care whether or not you ever have a long-term relationship with another woman.

But maybe you should at least consider the following compromise. Rent an apartment of your own in the same geographical area as your ex and her new hubby so that you can spend lots of time with them and your kid (I’m assuming that your ex has primary custody). Meantime, having your own place will also give you the freedom to date without constraint and even to withdraw from the relationship with your ex and her husband gracefully and put some space between you and your ex if a new relationship should require that space.

5

Frankly, I can see myself falling into such a life. Easily. I pull the most amazing things with my personal life. That probably up the wierdness score now that I think about it.

Split it in thirds, you are paying child support, that is to counter balance any inability on her part to make money.

I would see no problem with your living arraingments staying. Other girls probably have other views. While I would like the world to have enough acceptance in it that good parenting is seen as a plus on the dating side, it doesn’t. If your primary purpose is to get a new SO, get your own apartment. If you enjoy the life you have and are looking for someone to perhaps fit into it with you, stay as is. Monetary considerations should be weighed as needed.

6

I can understand both sides of this situation, and I admire your desire to be involved in raising your son.

Have you considered the possibility of living in a two unit? That way you could be close to your ex, and your friend and your son, but still have the privacy of a seperate entrance, and the ability to withdraw from the situation if it becomes to much for you.
Another option would be to find a place where both “households” could get apartments or condos in the same building… that way, your son could come and go between you safely on his own, and again you would all be “together” but also seperate.
Both of these options have the added benifit of seperating your household cost from their household costs.

If you do chose to share a home with them again, I would definately push to split the costs in thirds. You pay child support to your ex, to allow her support her son. If you pay more than a third of the costs, and continue to pay support, than you are in effect paying child support twice, which is not fair.

(just my 2 cents)
-Sarai

7

Hey, thanks guys-n-gals, for all the good input. Amazing how clear and rational all the thinking comes out when it’s you who are outside the mechanism doing it. Sounds like, by and large, you all agree that this not being a perfect world, I’d be nuts to reasonably expect both the re-assumption of the same arrangement AND the ability to find a new SO of my own.

Also, on the monetary side, we’ve got two votes for thirds, one no-mention, and two “it’s up to you” (gee thanks, that’s a BIG help :rolleyes: [Just kidding!]).

But, c’mon! What, me and matt_mcl are the only ones out there doing this? No one else has any juicy weirdness to spill? OPEN UP, people! :wink:
Thanks again,
Dave