Questions for people that are shacked up

In My Humble Opinion
1

I recently realized that attitudes about living together in my area are pretty different than they are in a lot of other places. I’ll pose some questions and answer them in my next post.

[ul]1. What age range are you in and how long have you been living together?

  1. Why are you living together?

  2. Do your parents know? Are you keeping it a secret from anyone?

  3. Have you recieved any disapproval from those around you?

  4. Has living together helped or hurt your relationship?

  5. Do you share or spit up expenses?

  6. Do you “believe” in marriage?[/ul]

2

  1. We are in our very early twenties and have been living together in our own place for a year, and we lived in different rooms in the same house the year before that.

  2. I’ve had my share of hellish roomates, and frankly the SO is one of the few people that I can live with. We are really compatable as far as keeping the house up, sharing space, and not getting on each other’s nerves. Living alone is not an option in my area because of money, and I really didn’t want to risk another terrible room mate situation when I’ve already got somebody I know I can live with.

  3. My parents know, and they approve. They like my SO, and I think they are glad that we are in a decent housing situation (and don’t have to listen to me whine about how evil my room mate is) but aren’t rushing in to a marriage before we finish our education. I don’t think it is an active secret from anyone, although there are people in my family who probably don’t know the situation.

  4. I’ve never met any disapproval. Because of the economy and liberal values in my area, living together is pretty much the standard. It never occured to me until recently that I am doing something that is considered risque and immoral by some poeple.

  5. We’ve had our issues, especially with money, but it’s nothing that we wouldn’t be running into at some point anyway. Living with anyone is bound to lead to some strain, but we’ve handled it pretty well. Sometimes I think that we might be better off living in seperate places, but then again, we’d be better off if little knee-high elves walked around handing us money and fine cheeses. Living alone is not possible, and lving with someone I like is better than living with someone I hate even if it isn’t the ideal situation.

  6. We split up most of the expenses, although we will loan money/help each other out when it is needed. We split things that we use together (like food or furniture) and pay for our own personal stuff and stuff that only one of us wants (like my lip gloss, and the mosquito net I wanted to put over our bed), Living together in the same household before we lived alone together got us pretty used to paying our own way through things.

  7. I believe in marriage, but certainly not right now. We are facing an uncertain future, with things like far away jobs and grad school looming over us. We are both really really young, and we know that this probably isn’t a forever thing. We really aren’t ready to commit. But if there comes a time that I am ready to commit to someone, I have no problem marrying them.

3

1. What age range are you in and how long have you been living together?
25-30, since February 1998.

2. Why are you living together?
Initially convenience (I was travelling and it seemed a waste to pay for a hostel that I never slept in), then happy familiarity.

3. Do your parents know? Are you keeping it a secret from anyone?
Yes and no. Everyone knows.

4. Have you recieved any disapproval from those around you?
None whatsoever that I’ve heard about.

5. Has living together helped or hurt your relationship?
Helped, have learned more about each other’s interests, attitudes and grown tolerant of things that might otherwise infuriate.

6. Do you share or split up expenses?
Rent is split 50/50 (I pay the landlord, my SO pays me). We each pay some of the bills and split shopping costs as and when we feel we need to.

7. Do you “believe” in marriage?
Not for me personally, but am happy to for other people.

4

1. What age range are you in and how long have you been living together?

Been working in the real world a year

2. Why are you living together?

His roommate moved out just when I was coming back from europe. It was convenient, cheaper, and the next step in our relationship.

3. Do your parents know? Are you keeping it a secret from anyone?

Yes. No.

4. Have you recieved any disapproval from those around you?

Not at all. I come from the northeast and from a non-religious background. My parents are very liberal and my father has told me on several occasions that he thinks it is very important to live with someone before mariage (he did the same with my stepmom). They were in fact very happy about it.

5. Has living together helped or hurt your relationship?

I think it has helped. Sure, there are certain sticking points, especially when you first are getting used to how someone else goes about everyday life. But the benefits of finding all that out and being that much closer outweigh any problems.

6. Do you share or split up expenses?

We share some expenses. We split the rent 50/50, and he pays for utilities (which probably about doubles his share, so I pay about a fourth to a third I would guess). But this is because I make about a fourth to a third of what he does and I barely scrape by with what I do pay. When I make more, I’ll be able to pull my weight more. So far it’s mostly worked, though I don’t like putting the burden on him.

7. Do you “believe” in marriage?

Sure. I dream about wedding and mariage and kids and all that that so many women dream about. I also have no illusions that it will be perfect or easy or anything like that. So it would take a lot of work, especially when kids are brought into the picture, but I think it would definitely be worth it. Dunno why, but I do.

5

Forgot to say how long we’ve been living together…going on four months now

6
  1. What age range are you in and how long have you been living together?

37-46, we’ve been living together for seven years, dating for ten years.

  1. Why are you living together?

We love each other. He has a big house, and I moved in.

  1. Do your parents know? Are you keeping it a secret from anyone?

Parents know, no secrets.

  1. Have you recieved any disapproval from those around you?

Never

  1. Has living together helped or hurt your relationship?

Helped

  1. Do you share or spit up expenses?

He pays the majority - he has a better job.

  1. Do you “believe” in marriage?

I have never felt the need to get married. I won’t say I’ll never get married, but we are very happy the way we are now.

7

We just got married in June, but had been living together for a while before that.

  1. What age range are you in and how long have you been living together?

Currently 30, had been living together for three years.

  1. Why are you living together?

Good question. We’d had a long-distance relationship going on for about two years while she and her mother were caring for her father. She had wanted to move back to Tokyo, so about a year after he passed away, we decided to start living together. We’d already decided that we’d get married sooner or later, so it didn’t seem like such a big deal.

  1. Do your parents know? Are you keeping it a secret from anyone?

Yep. No secrets from anyone. Her mom often comes to stay with us.

  1. Have you recieved any disapproval from those around you?

Nope. Everyone in both our families knows, and everything’s been cool. In Japan, premarital sex isn’t a big issue (one of the wildest guys I knew was a Buddhist priest), and I think what few qualms my parents might have had were eased by the fact that every one of my cousins had already had a baby and gotten married. In that order.

  1. Has living together helped or hurt your relationship?

Helped I guess. It was just the natural progression between dating and marriage.

  1. Do you share or spit up expenses?

Big stuff (rent) is 50-50. Personal stuff gets paid for individually (I pay my credit card bills, she pays hers, etc.). My salary’s larger, so I pay for most of the shared stuff (water, gas, electricity, phone, internet, etc.). Food is paid for by whoever goes shopping. We keep a fairly relaxed attitude about whose money is whose.

  1. Do you “believe” in marriage?

Yep.We got married partly to “prove” it was permanent, but there were also some practical considerations. Since we’re of different nationalities, getting married makes immigration and residency issues easier to handle, especially when we have kids.

8
  1. What age range are you in and how long have you been living together?

We are in our 40s. We’ve lived together for 5 years.

  1. Why are you living together?

Because lesboians can’t legally marry.

  1. Do your parents know? Are you keeping it a secret from anyone?

No secret. Parents know.

  1. Have you recieved any disapproval from those around you?

More for lesbianism than for living together. I did get disapproval when I lived with a gay man and people thought we were a couple, but this was in the 1980’s.

  1. Has living together helped or hurt your relationship?

Helped.

  1. Do you share or spit up expenses?

Shared.

  1. Do you “believe” in marriage?

Sure. Make it legal and we’ll go do it.

9

1.Late 20’s for me, mid 20’s for my SO and we have been living together for a little more than a year
2. We have a child together and we love each other
3. yes my parents know and yes I did keep it a secret until I told them they were going to be grandparents for an 9th, 10th and 11th time (not triplets but they were/are inheriting 2 more grand kids from my SO)
4. Not really, my parents ask about marrige every once in awhile, but no pressure
5. Helped
6. mostly
7. yes

10

  1. What age range are you in and how long have you been living together?
    I’m 31, he’s 35, and since May 1, 2002.

  2. Why are you living together?
    Well, we’re married, now. I moved from Canada to marry him.

  3. Do your parents know? Are you keeping it a secret from anyone?
    Everyone knew.

  4. Have you recieved any disapproval from those around you?
    None.

  5. Has living together helped or hurt your relationship?
    Helped.

  6. Do you share or spit up expenses?
    Share.

  7. Do you “believe” in marriage?
    I hope so, we were married July 27.

11
  1. What age range are you in and how long have you been living together?

28 for 6 months

  1. Why are you living together?

Very good time to buy a house, her lease was up, I had to move, We were engaged

  1. Do your parents know? Are you keeping it a secret from anyone?

Yes, not at the time but since we were married 6 months later we now selectivly omit the shacking up part.

  1. Have you recieved any disapproval from those around you?

no

  1. Has living together helped or hurt your relationship?

We kind of think of it as a pre marrage - the marrage was going to happen it just was to be in the future.

  1. Do you share or spit up expenses?

During that time we were cosolidating our expenses so share would be more like it but it took time to ajust everything (mentally and physically).

  1. Do you “believe” in marriage?

This arangament would never have happened if marrage was not a sure thing.

12
  1. What age range are you in and how long have you been living together?
    I am soon to be 37 and my beloved just turned 31. We’ve been happily living in sin for seven years.
  2. Why are you living together?
    No-one else would have us.
  3. Do your parents know? Are you keeping it a secret from anyone?
    Yes and no.
  4. Have you recieved any disapproval from those around you?
    Initially, there were a few who said we wouldn’t last and yet… we’re still together.
  5. Has living together helped or hurt your relationship?
    Neither
  6. Do you share or spit up expenses?
    There’s our money and her money but we share the expenses :slight_smile:
  7. Do you “believe” in marriage?
    *We were both married once before, it was terrible. This doesn’t mean that we won’t get married some day but then again, our “sinful” relationship has outlasted either of our marriages and any other relationships either of us has had. *
13
  1. What age range are you in and how long have you been living together?

I’m 21, he’s 33 and we’ve been living together since March.

  1. Why are you living together?

My roomate at the place I paid rent went crazy, attacked me, and threatened to kill me. Makes a place less homey. I still pay rent for an apartment elsewhere, but I haven’t even slept there yet.

  1. Do your parents know? Are you keeping it a secret from anyone?

Yup, the parentals know. In general, my mom would probably have disaproved if I had said “Mom! I’m shackin’ up wit’ my MAN!” but after the trip to the ER and the police report she was saying “Why don’t you stay somewhere else? Like Neil’s.”

  1. Have you recieved any disapproval from those around you?

Not yet. A bit from my old roomie’s sister.

  1. Has living together helped or hurt your relationship?

Little of both. We’re more comfortable around each other and we don’t do as many formal dates as we used to. This is both wonderful and a bit sad.

  1. Do you share or spit up expenses?

Depends on who has money available. I buy groceries for his place about once a month, but I don’t pay rent.

  1. Do you “believe” in marriage?

Yes, and I fully intend to get married at some point. Not right now. Its a really serious commiment and i’m not quite ready for it yet.

14

**1. What age range are you in and how long have you been living together? **
I’m 24; he’s 28. We had a long distance relationship for 2 and a half years–grad school kept me in one city, job and family kept him in another–but I moved up to Asheville as soon as I finished school, which was about 4 months ago.

2. Why are you living together?
It just felt right to set up a household together. After years of just seeing each other on weekends, it’s great to have him around full-time.

**3. Do your parents know? Are you keeping it a secret from anyone? **
Yep, both sets of parents know and seem pleased. Nope, we’re not keeping it from anyone.

**4. Have you recieved any disapproval from those around you? **
My father is a devout Presbyterian, and I think he would have preferred that we not live together until we’re married, but he’s never said anything to me about it.

This area does have a fair number of religious conservatives, so it’s possible that some of my acquaintances/co-workers disapprove, but they’ve never mentioned it.

**5. Has living together helped or hurt your relationship? **
Definitely helped.

**6. Do you share or spit up expenses? **
We split rent and utilities and take turns paying for the groceries. Right now, he makes more than I do, so he tends to pick up more of the expenses. I’m looking forward to finding better-paying work so that we can split things more equally.

  1. Do you “believe” in marriage?
    Yes. We’re planning on getting married. But it’s not my first priority right now–I’d much rather find a decent job and buy a house.
15

I am married now, but ‘shacked up’ for a while beforehand :

1. What age range are you in and how long have you been living together?

I lived with my partner for four years, from the age of 18 to 22 before getting married.

2. Why are you living together?

Because I loved him and wanted to spend my time with him.

3. Do your parents know? Are you keeping it a secret from anyone?

Yes, my parents knew. There was no reason to keep it hidden from anyone. Where I live there is zero condemnation for ‘shacking up’ and it is considered the normal progression. If things work out, marriage often follows.

4. Have you recieved any disapproval from those around you?

None at all.

5. Has living together helped or hurt your relationship?

Helped enormously. A lot of issues were sorted out, we became much closer and both of us were 100% sure that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. I don’t think I would’ve married at all without living with the person first. I treat marriage seriously and wouldn’t want to enter into it without being certain that this was what I wanted forever more.

6. Do you share or spit up expenses?

We shared expenses but kept seperate bank accounts for a while.

7. Do you “believe” in marriage?

Well, I am married, so yes, I believe it exists. I’m not too sure what you mean by this. Do I believe it is a good thing ? yes, though it’s not for everyone. Do I believe that it is better than ‘shacking up’ ? yes, for me, but again it’s not better for everyone. I love my marriage. If I had’ve married at 18 before living together, I am not 100% sure I’d still be married, so FOR ME ‘shacking up’ was way better than marriage first.

Everyone’s mileage will probably vary, but I think it’s important to do what’s best for you. I can’t imagine marrying somebody I hadn’t lived with first, but I know others can’t imagine ‘shacking up’ without marriage so it’s really a case of each to their own, IMO.

16

**1. What age range are you in and how long have you been living together? **

we were 28 and 32 when we moved in together, lived together about 9 months, then got married. We dated about 4 months before moving in together.

**2. Why are you living together? **

We just wanted to. We both had good jobs, nice apartments, etc, but spent most nights at my apartment, since it was closer to each of our jobs. It just made sense.

**3. Do your parents know? Are you keeping it a secret from anyone? ** My parents knew and fully approved, his mom didn’t know until we bought our house about a month before we got married, and we wouldn’t have told her, either. (My brother-in-law’s girlfriend tattled on us.) She is just very conservative and doesn’t approve of living together sans marriage.

**4. Have you recieved any disapproval from those around you? **
Not really, even his mom was ok with it, or at least never mentioned it.

**5. Has living together helped or hurt your relationship? **
It made it easier, for the most part, because we are both extremely busy people and traditional call-me-and-we-will-get-together-at-such-and-such-a-time stuff was hard to manage. I think it helped mostly because of time factors.
**
6. Do you share or spit up expenses? ** We shared them near completely, and combined finances as soon as we got engaged. Bills got paid by whoever had the closest checkbook, groceries were paid for my whoever was standing nearer the cashier.

7. Do you “believe” in marriage? Yep, we got married on April 19, this year.