Technically you can get a restraining order against any boy of whom you disapproved. Of course you would probably have the moral authority of a turnip afterwards and your daughter would likely be less willing to listen to you when she gained the legal right to tell you to go scratch.
Parents do remember: One day your children will no longer be “under your roof.” If you want them to listen to you then, think about how you deal with them now. Your power will go away. Their respect for you (or lack thereof) will not. The more you rely on power, the more trouble you will have when you lose it. For some reason the parents of 16-20 year olds often miss that point. Blinkingduck: In the no boys sleeping over case, your daughter came to realize that you were right. That should always be your goal. Your daughter can protect her “virtue” much more effectively than you can; keep her on your side :-P.
Or, as i jokingly told my mom: “Remember, one day I’ll pick your nursing home.”
Agreed. Some people seem to think that the social prejudices they’re accustomed to are somehow universal laws of nature. They’re not. Age of consent, along with socially “acceptable” age range, varies widely between cultures, places and times, and so do people’s emotional and social development. There’s nothing inherently “wrong” or “weird” or “unnatural” about a young man of 21 being interested in a young woman of 16, or in her being interested in him. It happens all the time. And any discussion along the lines of “well maybe in some particular cases it’s okay but in general it’s wrong” is pure amphigory: there is no such thing as “in general”; every case is an individual case, and the participants are always individuals.
Sure they’re going to get horny. But as long as they’re smart enough to follow some simple, basic rules of safety, that’s also neither wrong nor unnatural – quite the opposite, in fact. From the OP’s description, these both sound like good, decent, smart young people. Smart parents will make sure the daughter knows the safety rules and understands what the consequences can be if they’re not followed. (By “safety” here I mean contraception and avoidance of disease or injury, and, if they live in a locale where 16 is under the purely local, entirely arbitrary legal age, proper caution and discretion about when and where, lest the wrong people find out and make trouble.)
Not weird at all, imo. They sound like a good match, actually. Now, were he some playboy, ladykiller 21 yr old, as a parent or just an observer, I would be a bit more concerned.
Which is not to say they won’t likely consumate their relationship, but at least there does not appear to be any glaring imbalance of power here.
Of course, aren’t ALL dads pissed when some guy starts wooing their baby girl? Even Johnny Depp, Mr. Unbearably Cool, confessed that he was, at 30-something, absolutely terrified of meeting his GF’s parents (since he’d already knocked her up and thought her dad was gonna tear him a new one)
Not weird at all…that’s a teeny, tiny age difference and both are sexually mature, physically. But Romeo might want to hold off for a few more yrs, else he could end up branded as a sex offender, esp. as Dad seems so upset over the situation. :eek:
While I understand your point, I must partially disagree.
A typical 21 year old will be on the verge of graduating college. He will be thinking of future career…where to live, what to do etc.
A 16 year old is a Sophomore-going-on-Junior in HS. They are not even thinking of graduation yet. They are still very much a kid.
A man about or has graduated college and/or getting started on his career should not be interested in a 16 year old. He should find 16 year olds boring and immature. He should be far more interested in that cute, interesting 20 year old who knows what he is talking about…
Now, granted there are exceptional 16 year olds…I believe they are not nearly as common as many think they are. My 16 year old daughter is very bright (of course) but her personality is still not set. I see it firming up as the years go on…and she has matured a huge amount in the past year alone…but she does not need to be thrust into the adult world yet. Let her be a kid for another year or two.
I also don’t like the power imbalance between a 21 and a 16 year old. Many 16 year olds don’t have the ‘defenses’ firmed up yet. They need time.
So, why would a 21 year old want to date a 16 year old? I’m sorry…but it screams Loser and Emotionally Retarded to me…and that’s if it is legit interest. A likely probability is that he wants to score some sex with someone who is less likely to say no. A 16 year old has WAYYYYY less life experience than a 21 year old and the 21 year old can use this to manipulate her (intentionally or unintentionally).
Based on my own experience, I don’t think that’s always the case. Or even usually. 21-year-old me had a lot more in common with 16-year-old me than he did with, say, 26-year-old me. I was better-educated, but not much more experienced in a general life sort of way.
I think the big gap will show as he actually graduates college and has been on his own for a year or two. I’m assuming that he’s pretty much been supported by his parents through college. If he’s put himself through school, things would probably be different.
One must keep in mind that the bastion of integrity and purity Miley Cyrus (16) was dating a guy who was, what, 25? And daddy Billy Ray was OKAY with it! Some people’s kids (and I’m talking about Billy Ray’s parents!)
Doesn’t even have to be that. Omegle hooks you up with a random person to have a conversation. As a 26 year old male I’ve had a couple of intelligent conversations only to learn my conversation parter was only 15-16. One lasted 5+ hours as it turns out we were both fans of the show Arrested Development. Now, I have no desire to FUCK them but, as it turned out, we had plenty in common to keep a intelligent conversation going.
I know a 19 yo (emotionally 16) who is dating a 30 yo (emotionally 18). And the 30 yo is well-liked great guy who happens to look young. They are both fundamentalist Pentecostal Christians, and I know them well enough that neither one is thinking about sex.
Nobody I know (who knows them) finds it weird because of the age thing. Except maybe me, but I’m not unbiased as the girl is exactly the type I look for.
The age divided by two plus seven is a great rule of thumb.
Like all rules of thumb, they provide a quick evaluation and can be ignored in some circumstances.
That rule works because it allows relatively small age differences during the ages when there are big changes in maturity per chronological year and allows large differences when things even out in terms of maturity.
You look for emotionally stunted girls who are into older immature men?
Anyway I find the outrage on here more then a little silly. 16-21? Sure something to raise a red…no make that yellow flag but wouldn’t most fathers prefer a solid 21 year old friend of the family over some horny 17 year old that they’ve never met before?
I think that most of us are talking about what the age gap means in this society and social context, not a universal rule for the whole world.
However, just because things are done differently elsewhere doesn’t mean that our way of doing things is wrong.
You could argue that the western world’s current opposition to child labor is a “social prejudice”.
After all, there are still many countries where children engage in work of some sort to survive, and even here small kids worked in factories and such in Victorian times.
That doesn’t mean that modern western societies are wrong in being opposed to making children work like adults just because it is not a universal rule.
In fact, I think it is a sign of progress in a society when it values the intellectual and emotional development of its children enough to keep them from being pushed into working or reproducing before they are fully developed people.
I’m not a parent, but if I were then one of my big concerns would be something I don’t think anyone else has mentioned here: this man is of legal drinking age, and the girl isn’t even close.
If this girl were dating a boy the same age then he might very well be getting alcohol illicitly one way or another, but this guy could waltz into any liquor store in town and both openly and legally buy all the booze he wants.
This would make me worry if I were the parent of the 16 year old OR the 21 year old. Thinking back to high school and college, under 21 girls I knew who were dating 21 or older guys were without exception getting alcohol from these boyfriends. In many cases this was a major reason why the girl was dating an older guy in the first place. If I were the girl’s mother I’d be worried that this guy was going to ply my innocent daughter with booze in hopes of impressing her/getting in her pants. If I were the guy’s mother I’d be worried that the girl (or perhaps her likewise underage friends) would be pressuring my naive son into buying them alcohol, which could lead to serious legal consequences for him. Since both are old enough to drive then drunk driving would also be a concern. She is unlikely to have much experience in recognizing when she or someone else has had too much to get behind the wheel.
Even if they’ve talked about drinking in the past, the girl’s parents should have a serious conversation with her about keeping herself and others safe when alcohol is involved.
And plenty of the teenage girls I knew who drank alcohol “all the time” were only able to maintain this practice because they had a steady supply from their older boyfriends. If I were the parent of this girl I’d want my daughter to remain in the “ones who don’t” category.
*If a 16 year old is a drinker, it’s because she’s getting the alcohol from someone else (or she got a fake ID from someone else). There are all kinds of ways teenagers manage to get ahold of alcohol, including just stealing it from their parents, but if she were dating a 16 year old at least her parents would know he couldn’t waltz into any liquor store and buy all the booze he wants whenever he likes. A 21 year old can, which would raise some concerns for me as a hypothetical parent.
*If this guy (or anyone else) were supplying her with liquor he would indeed be plying her with liquor, no matter how willing she might be. That could very well lead to serious legal consequences for HIM, something that the two of them may not realize. Even if this girl has no interest in drinking herself, if he drinks then she needs to know what to do if he’s unable to safely drive her home or if he really overdoes things and becomes sick.
Maybe this guy is a complete teetotaler, or maybe he’s Mr. Responsible when it comes to drinking, but it would be foolish of the girl’s parents to assume that this is the case with a 21 year old college student. That’s why I said they should have a serious talk with their daughter about their expectations and what she needs to do to keep herself and others safe. This would for instance be an excellent time to let her know that they’d much rather get a “Can you come pick me up?” call in the middle of the night than have her get in a car with her drunk boyfriend or one of his drunk college buddies behind the wheel.
I think you’re seriously overestimating liquor store owners. When I was in college, a friend of mine (who was still in high school and 17 years old) knew exactly which stores carded for ID and which didn’t. I didn’t think he looked old enough to not be carded, but apparently the shop owners didn’t care and he bought booze whenever he liked.
Teenagers know who cards and who doesn’t.
Coincedentally, when he was 17, he started dating a 26 year old and they were together for a few years. She broke it off when he decided it would be more fun to be a slut than to have a steady girlfriend.
Knowing both parties in that situation, it was obvious she was very immature, but there was definitely no coersion on her part.
What is your point here, Justin_Bailey? I don’t know how many different ways I can say that I am aware that teenagers are capable of finding ways to obtain alcohol if they really want to, but the fact remains that it’s going to be a lot easier for this girl to get alcohol with a 21 year old boyfriend than without one. Even if she doesn’t care to drink then he and/or his 21 year old college buddies almost certainly do.
That’s why I think her parents need to have a talk with her about responsible behavior with regard to alcohol use and drunk driving. Do you think that they shouldn’t do this? Are they just supposed to assume that because some teenagers drink their own daughter must already know all she needs to know to keep herself and others safe?
My point is that him being 21 has very little bearing on whether or not he would expose this sweet innocent flower to drinking. And going by the OP, the parents like him and think he’s a good kid. So there’s no reason to believe he’d turn around and get her drunk just because.
If the two of them end up drinking together (and yes, it would be much easier because he’s of legal age), I would bet large sums of money that it was a mutual idea of a fun time.
I don’t think teenagers are given enough credit for some of the things I’m sure they know all about and having the vapors over a 21 year old dating a 16 year old in general is pretty stupid.
It’s doubly stupid in this case as none of the information we’ve been given paints them as anything other than a slightly awkward couple who’ve just started dating.
ETA: I was not a drinker in high school (and I’m still not at 27), but one thing I do know is that kids who didn’t drink didn’t do it because they weren’t exposed to alcohol or couldn’t get it, it’s just because they didn’t want to drink. Any “talk” from her parents on the subject beyond “don’t get in a car with a drunk person” is talking down to her in a really patronizing way.
