You’ve been magically granted god-like powers. (How and why are beside the point.) You’ve taken care of all the big stuff-poverty is ended, prejudice is erased, AIDS and cancer are cured and the environment’s clean as a whistle. It’s time to have fun. What kind of petty changes would you make just to suit you?
In my world:
Tomatoes become opt-in rather than opt-out hamburger toppings.
Green peas vanish. As much as I hate to wrong the people who love the little green balls of hell, I’m sick of picking them out of my fried rice.
A good, swift kick in the ass is added to the US legal system’s list of penalties. As in, “You are hereby sentenced to three months probation and a good swift kick in the ass.”
Pets are born house-trained.
The day after Halloween would be a national holiday akin to New Year’s Day, with stores and offices closed so people would have a chance to sleep in.
Movie theaters are required by law to eject any patron who gets a cell phone call that lasts more than two minutes.
People would find themselves unable to talk on cell phone while in their cars and feel a strange compulsion to use their turn signals.
Plants planted by people in gardens would do better than weeds.
• Travel anywhere by doing that “Orb” trick like in Charmed.
• Entertain myself by taking over someone else’s body while they helplessly watched, horrified by their actions. This would have endless uses: take over a public speaker and say ridiculous thing, drop my pants, etc. Take over the guy that drives the truck onto the ice between periods of a hockey game and floor it. Take over Jennifer Garner and…well, you get the picture.
• Label every page of magazines.
• Change the water all over the world to be warm, clear and beautiful. Of course any fish that had trouble living like that would be altered accordingly.
• Find some friendly alien races.
• No more earthquakes, tornados, floods, etc.
• Go back in time and get to the bottom of some things: grassy knoll, OJ’s house, Jack the Ripper, that hole in Nova Scotia where the treasure is, Hanging Rock, Stonehenge, etc.
• Order Lucas to release the Star Wars trilogy on DVD, with no new scenes or changes.
Miracles will be performed on a case-by-case basis, handled by my team of impartial underlings. If you’re a non-jerk, you get perfect vision, cancer cured, lost pets returned, etc. If you are a jerk, torture small animals, etc, sucks to be you.
Everyone gets 3 wishes, to be used between 16th and 21st birthdays. Wishes are subject to certain rules: no breaking laws, wish must better society, or at least not harm it, etc. Wishes are not invoked just by saying “I wish…”. You must say “I wish… and I really, really, really mean it.” Same impartial underlings review wishes.
Also, a majikal teleportation device is located where-ever you find you need one. Turn around, there it is. It’ll take you where-ever you need to go, for a measly 25¢ a trip, deducted out of your majikal bank account, automatically. It’s majik!
Lynn Bodoni, you can email me in a week’s time to express your contrition, and I will determine whether you are worthy of resuming your status as administrator or whether you will remained BANNED.
Karma would work more quickly and clearly. Kick a dog? Bang your head on a cabinet door. Shoplift? Have your purse stolen. Be a televangelist? Anvil from the sky. That sort of thing.
Another nonfrivolous one: no substances would be addictive. I mean it. If people want to quit unhealthy habits, they shouldn’t have to put up with such crap to do it.
Less sleep needed (although you’ll still do ok oversleeping for those who like that).
Internal alarm clocks.
Replicators for all.
A never ending library in every city.
Prisoners would be sent Elsewhere, until can show improvement in the HereAndNow.
All schooling free. The budget will come to the necesary people on silver platters.
Everyone gets there only little world to colonize, until we have a nice big civilization going – on opposite ends of the universe. Transportation between them is effortless.
A certain friend of mine would discover that he is not, after all, the Messiah.
Perception parties would be the rage. Through a combination of technical and psychic improvements, people would be able to experience other people’s perceptions of reality and points-of-view while developing the most splendid sense of humor.
Pierce Brosnan would descend from the ceiling over my bed each morning with coffee strong enough to float an iron wedge and a good reason to be aroused from sleep.
I’d rule the Earth with an iron fist. Sure, in theory, I could give everybody all the necessities they need, but where’s the fun in ruling the world with an iron fist if everyone likes you?
Clear Virgen de Guadalupe sightings in the worst places - landfills, feedlots, public restrooms at Mexican gas stations, etc.
Strange weather patterns - snow in Orlando in summer, tropical days in a Buffalo February, monsoon-like rain in Phoenix, and so on.
Bad reception of Christian radio stations in the US, ensuring that atmospheric conditions cause French all-techno-and-sex-sound format stations to bleed through at the worst moments.
Making life very interesting for those who tormented me in elementary school - near-miss lightning strikes, cable dies before every Sopranos episode, Kazaa stops downloading at 99%, and so on.
Strike down the entire population of a small city with the Portuguese Belching Flu for a day.
Weekly World News-like events, like making fires form Devil and Elvis-shaped flumes of smoke.
Lots and lots of near-miss lightning strikes at Bob Jones University, Focus on the Family, and similar institutions.
An apparation of Mohammed descends upon the Ka’abah during Haj. Mohammead tells the crowd to cool it with the “Death to America” rallies, says it’s okay for women to drive and vote in Saudi Arabia, tells folks that dogs aren’t dirty creatures, describes the hell that awaits suicide bombers, and then pops open an ice cold Bud.
Swipe all the Virgin Mary statues from front lawn creches in suburban Buffalo, and replace them with miniature Big Boys and Muffler Men.
Anyone who wore shorts in the middle of winter would have them immediately turned into long pants when they stepped outside. Ugly long pants.
No site on the Internet would every be slow, busy or otherwise unavailable when I wanted to be at that page.
I would master any activity I wanted, spending just the amount of time learning to experience a feeling of accomplishment without ever getting frustrated. The exception is the violin, I would know how to play this instrument perfectly the minute I picked it up.
It would be impossible for me to be late to anything.
Volcanos could erupt at my whim, without anyone getting hurt, and the damage to the area would go away when I had seen enough hot lava. As if anyone could ever see enough hot lava.
I’ve alway though blue hair (not old-lady blue hair; midnight blue, cerelean blue, blue as the azure skies of deepest summer blue) whould be a nice idea. So I’d make it naturally occuring.
But my Holy Writ would prohibit anyone from dying their hair green unless they were in a band.
, Bippy