-
Place all commercials on their own channel (CCA: Commercial Corporation of America) and eliminate them from all the other television channels.
-
Make it illegal for the McDonalds people to ask if I want sauce with my McNuggets more than once! Or anyone else, of course, not just me.
-
If at least 15 people can testify that someone is an asshole, they are put to death. Including me! If 15 people testify, I’m gone too. If I’m a god, no one but me can kill me, so I’ll declare someone else the new god, give him/her the power, then let myself be destroyed.
If I were a god, we’d all be living in the Star Trek universe.
Yes, I’m well aware of how hopelessly geeky that sounds and no, I don’t live in my parents’ basement.
Oh, and just to be spiteful, I’d make NoClueBoy watch the combined fourteen seasons of DS9 and Voyager in one sitting.
Repeatedly. 
I’d override Fionn and put the so called, “little green balls of hell” back into existence…uh…the horror of your statement. One of the true pleasures of spring is opening those freshly picked pods to the sweetness within in the form of little green balls of heaven. The mere thought of their abolishment… :eek:
Beyond that…cars would no longer be needed since teleportation would work perfectly. All roads would turn into bike paths.
Smite Tuesday-Every Tuesday, random smitings around the clock. “Smite Pools” are encouraged. Bribery strongly encouraged.
Give me a sec to recover from “Smite Tuesday” <snort!>
Ok:
Form a blatently obvious 
on the moon. I may also change the moon’s surface to bright yellow, haven’t decided yet.
Grant every individual the power of flight with a 10 foot buffer zone. Anyone within ten feet on takeoff stays within ten feet (kids, pets, etc); anyone outside ten feet on takeoff cannot get any closer. Anyone abusing this power loses it permenantly.
All computers now do what you meant instead of what you told it.
Lonely people get contacted by their perfect match.
Skin color shifts randomly every month. As a corollary, sun-burn is now impossible.
Lying causes a sneeze attack based on the severity of the lie. “No, that dress doesn’t make you look fat” = ah-choo. “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” = sneezing until the end of your term.
Abuse, hmm?
-
I’d stage a Rapture. Great big vision in the sky, with the really hateful brand of fundaloonies being taken up bodily. They would end up in a large waiting room in the sky for awhile, and then patient harried-looking angels with attitudes like DMV employees would take their time going from one to the next, scowling at clipboards and saying “Oh. You don’t belong here. Sorry for the mixup.” And then they’d find themselves back on Earth, with all the memories of things, exactly in the moment they were taken up from.
-
Keyboards would randomly shoot electric shocks into deserving people. You can tell if someone’s deserving or not by whether or not they got shocked. Respect my authority!
-
People on arrogant power trips–be they in government or business or whatever–would find all of their clothes dissolving during the maximally embarassing times for them to do so.
There’s lots more abuses possible, but those should fire me off to a good first week’s worth.
Well, the one thing I do know is that there’d be a whole lot of cars lying upside down on the side of the road. I’m so sick of slow people pulling out in front of me on the highway…one quick flip of my wrist, and they’re gone.
Of course, I could just teleport myself whereever I wanted, but that defeats the whole fun of driving.
I wouldn’t have to pay taxes.
People within a five mile radius of me would just want to be polite. This doesn’t rule out sarcasm and pissy responses and the like…people just wouldn’t be assholes.
I’d live in the worlds largest bookstore and be able to read a lot faster (like, at Fionn’s book reading speed. DAMN, she’s fast )
Any restaraunt/store I went into would give me foods/goods/services for free.
Electricity would be generated by super hamsters powering large generators. They never die, never tire, and most importantly…love to run!
I’d be able to talk to animals. I admit, most of the time I’d just hear “Feedmefeedmefeedmefeedme” when talking to dogs, but I’d finally be able to figure out what the hell Tabby wants from me when she gives me that commanding meow.
I’d be the world’s best photographer.
And I could control the weather. No more of this “Today, highs in the 70’s, tomorrow, watch out for highs in the mid thirties” crap we’ve been having in Austin over the past month.
Oh, and I’d be able to digest lactose properly (mmmm…fried cheese sticks…)
First I’d make sure nothing really bad happened to people anymore. After that, I’d need to keep myself amused. I’d probably make myself invisible and follow mean people around, and anytime they did something mean I’d make them fart out the entire tune of ‘Yankee Doodle Dandy.’
This would probably entertain me for the better part of eternity.
I would be able to have sex with any woman I wanted, and for it to be the best sex she ever had.
Other people would never be in my way.
Anybody talking on a cell phone for non-emergency reasons in a theater, car or anywhere within earshot of me would receive a jolt of pain like no other.
Right-wing assholes would be made to understand the error of their ways and be forced into public service work cleaning up the environment, assisting the poor and fostering world peace through nonviolent actions.
I would be able to cancel stupid shows, erase stupid music and pump up the IQs of stupid people.
I like it! I want to live in that world.
Hey, that was me, back in my younger days! Yeah, those were good times.
[sub]If living in a fantasy world isn’t pathetic enough, how about living in a past tense fantasy world?[/sub]
Ooh – speaking of televangelists:
All those phony faith healers (I’m looking at you, Mister Hinn) would actually cure the diseases they claim to cure – but would then get them all themselves. That’ll larn 'em.
Do anyway with Scientolgy & L. Ron Hubbard (he because a real novelist/writer) - make it have never happened.
Star Trek technology would exist especially Transporters.
I would endow myself with ESP - Clairvoyance, Telekinesis, and Telepathy.
I get a Killer Body - without working at it, and Calories do not Exist.
First, I would do a run-through of everyone on Earth, and administer retributative karma.
I would summon up Jesus, both to bitch-slap some sense into people who believe they follow him and to attempt to debate a policy of uncontidional love in terms of game theory with him. I would do the same for any other avatars and gods I found suitably interesting.
I would institute broadcasting emotions. If you are happy, everyone around you becomes slightly more happy. Broadcast strength would be tweaked as necessary to maximize behavior change and minimize nasty feedback loops.
I would create mystical devices for transferring thoughts into a physical medium. Artists and storytellers could simply think and create.
THE HORROR!
I’d make kindness affect physical fitness in the same way that exercise and healthy diet does- the more kind a person is, the more physically attractive they become, and the more unkind a person is, the more physically unattractive they become.
I’d dispense euphoria randomly. You’d just be standing on the bus and suddenly- whoosh- a rush of wonderful happy feelings would come over you for no reason at all.
I’d raise the average IQ by 20 points.
I’d invent new flowers.
I’d paint all the cockroaches with bright colors and patterns.
I want the power to give people orgasms just by looking at them. What fun that’d be, and it’d certainly brighten their day.
To which I would add: people who deliberately cause physical or mental pain to others, in addition to getting less attractive, get random shots of the same kind of pain they’ve inflicted on others.
There would be no corollary between what you eat and how healthy you are.
Alcohol would not give you liver cancer.
Tobacco would not give you lung/mouth/throat cancer.
All forms of disease are gone, when you decide that you are done living, that’s when you die.
Each part of the world would be trapped in whatever season makes it the best, i.e. Vail is always covered in snow, Florida is always sunny, it is always spring in NC.
Airtravel would be free.
Working out to get those killer abs now only consists of a relaxing massage to the intended area of muscularity, and BAM! you are instantly sexy.
Nobody would have inhibitions about their body.
Sex would be awesome, all the time, and with whoever you want with no repercussions.
Fantasies can be played out for a period of 30 minutes before you must return to the real world.
I can read people’s thoughts. Yes, just me, so watch what you’re thinking.
I know I have more, just give me a little while to think about it.
-foxy
Y’all would be my playthings. Displease me and I’d squish you like a bug.
Even if you don’t displease me, y’all stand a good chance of me pulling your arms and legs off.
I would also pee on various cities around the world. Kal’s holy urine would first rain down upon Sheffield, UK followed by Santa Rosa, CA. I’ll maybe poop on London once a week or so.
As long as you do it sneakily.