of his own hell, along with Allah. These pusillanimous little peckerwoods have had it coming for a long time. Then I’d watch to see which one makes the other his bitch.
Just on Tuesdays? If I were abusing my godlike powers, I’d be whacking the Smite Button at random intervals every day of the week! Think about it, what’s the point of being a god if you can’t use the Smite Button whenever you want?
When I get tired of that one, I can always start smacking the Karma Button. The fun never stops!
I want to live in FisherQueen’s world!!
As for me:
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Anyone who did a random act of kindness (like holding the door for an old lady, helping someone pick up something they dropped, that kind of thing) would automatically have something far nicer happen to them.
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Anyone who did a really shitty thing (like kicking an old lady, or laughing at someone who drops their groceries, you know) would automatically be treated to something worse.
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A nice person who wanted to be pretty (and I trusted that they would not get all stuck up about it) would be pretty.
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And an evil person who wanted to pretty (and I knew they would be even more evil about it) would become unbearably ugly.
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People who were afraid or disillusioned by love or war or hate would be treated to a soothing bath of pure happiness until they were okay and ready to live again.
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Nobody would die in pain. As soon as someone was set to die, I would have them experience the best, happiest, most beautiful day possible, and have them go in their sleep in a peaceful dream.
As for abusive powers—
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All the people I hate would be sucked up. Instantaneously. BANG, into the bowels of the earth you go. Just like that. Of course, I would make sure about each person before I did this.
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I would make sure all my favorite restaurants would be fairly inexpensive, perfect service, no waiting list, and within a ten minute drive of my house.
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No lines. Anywhere.
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If I wanted to go somewhere, I would simply command it, and everything would be arranged. I would be excused from all homework and would never have to make it up, someone would do all my chores for me, I could stay as long as I wanted with all expenses paid, etc.
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If I screwed up on anything, it would be instantly corrected in the most perfect, easy, fluid and harmonious way possible.
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No one would know I was The Master Of The World. (or whatever.)
Wow, I’d have a field day. I’d:
ENLARGE my PENIS
Make money and smile xxzfft
Meet horny married women INSTANTLY!
Lose w.e.i.g.h.t.
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Copy DVDs with your CD Burner 48295823
Change my body with H-G-H…
Take advantage of low interest rates!
And, of course, COOPERATE with MR. CLIFFORD EKESON ALI , Bank Manager of National Fidelity Bank Limited, Lagos Branch.
Guess you win hands down, stypticus! 
You know, I would be happy being insanely wealthy. Insanely healthy too would be great, as well, but I’m concentrating on the one that doesn’t require sweating.
Well, for one thing I would make it so women could control when they menustrate.
Also, I could have any man I wanted. At any time. With no bad feelings from spouses/girlfriends/whomever resulting. I would also be able to exert myself without sweating or getting hot. And I’d give myself gills. And wings I could take on and off as the situation warrented. And whenever I got fatigued to a certain percent I would be automatically teleported to my bed. And I would also be able to stop time whenever I felt like it. And I’d give myself 20/15 vision. And I’d do the random euphoria shots. And whenever people did something mean, they would experience a corresponding amount of pain/torment. Only when it was over they’d come back in the same split-second that they left. And I’d create some sort of warp engine so we could finally get off of this stupid planet. Just for kicks, I might create another intelligent species on Earth or on one of the new planets. And, of course, everything would be free for me.
Well, since I already have an RCF*, given to me by the Gods, this is really a moot q.
But, oh well…
First, I would make sure Aesiron gets randomly sodomized over a long period of time by Mountain Gorillas with syphilis. Just when he thought it was finally over… BAM! There it goes again.
Then, I would make petite redheads with blue or green eyes the standard of beauty. I wouldn’t change eveyone, you see, just put those girls up where they belong. On a pedastal next to me.
I would permanently endow The Dope™ with whatever they need to stay free forever, and would constantly upgade the servers as new technology becomes available.
I would make my penis smaller. I would get laid more often, since there would be less fainting or dieing from fright.
I would ensure that everyone gets what’s coming to them. Good or bad.
I would create a new plant. 500 ft tall, bright orange, and it would smell putrid.
I would dress up like a cow, trick virgins into talking with me, then change to myself (new, smaller penis, remember?) and would impregnate them.
I would sleep outside more often.
Oh yeah, send some more monkeys over to Aesiron’s place. Check your mail, dude.
*Remote Control of the Fates™
If people are rewarded for random acts of kindness, does it count if they only did it to be rewarded? I assume not. What if they did it for both reasons?
I’d make karma an actual physical law - treat someone like crap, and you’ll get treated that way (not by other human beings, though)… That’d solve some problems in the world. =)
Give George Bush a Brain…
ABUSIVE:
I’d create a pornutopia, at least on a trial basis. All women would be bisexual kinky nymphomaniacs. In balance, I would cure all men of their Madonna/Whore complexes so that they loved and appreciated women who were bisexual kinky nymphomaniacs. I’d make all purely homosexual men bisexual, and have them be monogomous with men and promiscuous with women. I’d give everyone a universal form of “gaydar” so that they could find the people who had similar tastes and have unlimited opportunity for consentual sex. Then I’d create several paradise planets and found societies on each devoted to a special kink: the Incest planet, the Bestiality planet, the Pedophile planet, etc.
<sigh> And then I would probably have to undo it all as I watched the flaws in all of the above surface. Even a demigod can’t change what works and what doesn’t. Be fun to try though.
NON-ABUSIVE:
I’d make every form of disease and parasitic organism instantly extinct, if it wouldn’t wreck any ecosystems. Maybe new ones would evolve eventually, but I could always re-exterminate periodically.
If a consistant set of laws of physics would allow it, I’d substantially revamp the cosmos. What is the point of all those billions of lightyears of empty space? The universe ought to be more of a giant habitat for life.
I would leave everything the same, but…allow myself to have every hot woman on the face of the earth. I would grant myself immortality. I would travel to every point on earth that was remotely interesting. I would get everything I wanted. Then I would get bored, and then go to bed.
Somehow, whenever Fionn go out to a show, we always end up in the isle or the dance floor. I’d create a slightly visible three beam connection between my friends and I that would cut through anyone walking between us (kinda like the scene in Resident Evil). Hey, I’d be god, I could always put them back together after the show. As for the dancing, I have to admit, sometimes I’d like to join in myself, but getting bumped around is no fun, so intangibility would be nice. Again, this would all go around the “Being polite” power from earlier, though.
Also, all those really tall people that like to walk in front of me at shows, or sit in front of me at movies…they’d all become REEEAAAAALLLLY small. Like, Smurf small. Why not, they’d even turn blue.
I wouldn’t require sleep! But if I chose to sleep, it wouldn’t take me a minimum of a half hour to get there.
I actually forgot the abuse that started me thinking about this idea. I would switch the position of the hot and cold faucet taps so it would be easier to turn on the cold water while holding my toothbrush in my right hand.
I would give dogs and cats the ability to speak for one day a year. I’d really like to know how they perceive the world, but I don’t want to be subjected to an endless stream of “Feed me. Feed me. Will you throw the ball? Feed me” and “Excuse me, you’re on my couch and my ears could use a scratching.”
I can only only abuse powers eh?
I think I’d give the SDMB hamsters little rocket packs, so they could spin the wheels at hyper speed. Next, I’d force anyone who held political office to either speak the truth or bark like a dog. I’d turn the sea into jello once a week, just for fun. BatDopes would always would involve seeing bats 
Hmm. If I can really abuse my powers, then I’d mess with people’s appearences. Racists would suddenly have dark skin and sprout afros. Movie stars would spontaneously grow warts. Francesca would suddenly find herself 2 metres tall.
And on a personal note, I’d make beer and cheese calorie both free and cause a reversal in male pattern baldness.
I’d get rid of strip malls, and make ugly architecture a crime punishable by egging.
I’d magically clear up communication between the genders.
I’d abolish religion. Worship is for those with fragile egos.
I’d create a world of random, non-sensical miracles to prove my existence beyond a shadow of a doubt, but to also make everyone wonder ust what I was smoking. We’re talking about things like synching the sunset to a soundtrack, suddenly playing over every radio in the visible area. Or, perhaps, converting every article of clothing in the world to blue, one day.
And I’d finally lose those last few stubborn pounds.
Forgot one:
Televangelists would only be able to preach the Gospel. None of this crap with people sending in money to be blessed, or whatever.
I figure they’d all be gone inside of a week.
Wow, there are so many generous and thoughtful Dopers out there. There are so many of you who want to genuinely change the world for the better. Makes me feel guilty for only wanting me, Charlize Theron and Shannon Elizabeth together.
I guess my act of contrition would be to keep birds from soiling your freshly washed cars. Fair enough trade?
I’m a little unclear on the details, but it involves me, Charlie Hunnam, and a lubricated Klein bottle.