How would you react to this wedding invitation?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Agreed: I was actually at a wedding where scrolled up at every place setting was a little note from the American Cancer Society stating: In lieu of a wedding favor the bride and groom Mr. and Mrs. Smith have made a donation to the ACS.

I thought that was very favorable.

I also do not think implying that someone give cash instead of a thoughtout gift is very tactful.

I will say I have seen gift registries in invitations. I do not see them as tacky. They are emrely a guide, you don’t have to use them.

22

Exactly. Now, if my friends are having a small wedding because they’re just getting started in life and don’t have much, I’ll be inclined to spend a little more on a gift that I think will be really useful to them. If they’re having a big bash, and I have to spend money just to get there, then clearly they don’t need my help so much–I won’t hurt myself buying a huge present just because they spent a lot on the wedding.

Actually, for really good friends I spend time sewing a quilt, which takes more in time and care. It’s supposed to be a gift from the heart, not profit for a couple who overspent themselves and then expects others to pay them for the honor of attending.

23

INCREDIBLY TACKY.

(You can do the word of mouth thing. No where in ANY wedding invitation or any of the accompanying materials should it mention that you even have considered that your guests might want to give you a gift. The gift pretense for EVERY gift occation is “oh, my - a gift! You shouldn’t have!” Putting any gift details in writing (or the bride or groom saying anything to the guests themselves other than ‘we are just happy to have you there’ - you have your mother and bridesmaids do the actual gift communication) negates the fiction.)

It makes no difference how much is spent. If you host your wedding, you are hosting your wedding - there is no etiquette provision for a host charge his guests - in either cash or gifts - for costs incurred.

24

My nephew and his wife were married last August and they put something similar on their invitations,it didn’t go over well at all . And their honeymoon was cut down to 4 days spent at a family members place in a guest house instead of the 2 weeks at some expensive place they had hoped for.

25

She’d get a note from me. I wouldn’t spent the $1.50 on the card.

26

From someone who doesn’t mind a mention of a gift registry in an invitation (in this day and age, I don’t expect any of my friends to know my mother’s phone number, so why/how would they call her to find out where I’m registered?), I find what your daughter’s proposing to be tacky and it would make me very uncomfortable to read it on an invitation.

I agree that simply not registering anywhere is a better bet - I think that sends the message that they don’t need stuff, and people will take it from there. I also agree that a destination wedding is less likely to get lots of gifts, or lots of cash, either way. My increased cost of attending is going to leave less discretionary funds for giving.

27

She’s essentially extorting friends and relatives with that line! They’ve already made choices that mean they’re interested not in their guests having a good time, but in themselves having some kind of personal wedding fantasy, so they’re already being rude.

A wedding is essentially a party, just like any other gathering you invite people to you provide food, drink and entertainment because you want your guests to enjoy themselves. Making everything expensive just to attend, with an expensive destination to begin with shows they’re not caring about their guests. To solicit funds on top of that is unbelievably rude.

28

That’s the sort of invitation that winds up here .

29

WHAT?!?
Ok, so here’s the deal as it will be seen by BLOOD KIN (and friends) of your daughter:
"*Looks like Kay and Butch have finally decided to do the decent thing for their poor littl mite; Butch is gonna make an honest woman outta Kay at last. <sigh> Looks like we’ll have to fly out to X and then drive to boofoo Mountain Springs Resort–maybe you can get some golf in and I’m dying for a pedi; yes, I know you’ll need your allergy pills, we’ll get the prescription refilled before we leave.
What’s that? Well, your sister will stay with the kids as long as we agree to have her kids for that tournament thingy they go to every October. Nice font on the card, ooh and it’s engraved! We are moving on up… what’s that dear?
The date? Oh, it’s the weekend of the 18th–we’ve got a few weeks. I wonder if my yellow dress still fits; it kept hiking up at that graduation part–WHA–?! Frank! FRANK!! Look at that. <throws invite at Frank> Not that, THAT!

Princess Kay wants us to not only shell out for this trip and pay for the resort, she wants us to pay for them to have sex someplace exotic! Are we supposed to babysit their Poor Little Mite, too? What do you mean we have to give something? We GAVE something–that small trifle of a government bond and 12 place settings of her best china! and that adorable baby gift for Poor Little Mite. AND that set of Tupperware for when they shacked up together. Does she think we have “suckers” written across our foreheads? I’ll bet Lucy is beside herself." <shakes head in disgust, walks away, muttering… I’ll give her something–a piece of my mind is what they’ll get…*

well, that’s how it would play out in my family. :wink: I doubt mine is an anomaly. While I agree with Miss Manners that some occasions require gifts (showers, for example), a second wedding is not one of them. I would expunge that bit from the invites. If she feels she MUST troll for money, then perhaps she can alert the jungle drums of the family that Kay and Butch would appreciate bonds or some such to be put into an account for their Poor Little Mite’s college fund. I wouldn’t even do that, I’m just saying.

Kay and Butch are going to have to let the chips fall where they may on this one. They should be looking at this as an opportunity to share an important event in their lives plus a great big party that they want their loved ones to enjoy. Anything they get in return is a bonus. For people who WANT to give (or feel obligated), they should just call a close relative (NOT the bride or groom) and ask what is being done.

Anyway, the rest of your post is irrelevant. Doesn’t matter how much the cake is etc–it’s their money. If they want to celebrate in such a way, more power to them, but as they said themselves, they are hardly neophytes in need of basic supplies for a civilized life. Nice try, Kay and Butch, but we weren’t born yesterday.

Lucy–have you bitten your tongue all the way through yet? :slight_smile:

30

Oh boy, that is mega-mega-bad. The problem isn’t just from the request but some people WILL remember it forever and it will influence their views of their manners forever (as well it should). Put a stop to that right away in all seriousness. I used to work expensive, fancy weddings in college and I got to see all sides of it. It isn’t just a matter of taste. Your daughter is 100% in the wrong here with no other questions needed.

31

Printing please don’t bring gifts as your celebrating this occasion with us is all that is required is acceptable. Stating you expect cash is wrong. Most guests will realize that they are not starting a new household, and probably will give cash anyway. They need to Just deal with the few things they get, because there is always going to be the aunt that gives something she owned already. The notation is going to offend some people, and is unlikely to increase the cash she gets.

32

What a timely column from Miss Manners!

(Note: I do not equate Lucydottir’s small lapse in judgment with the appalling actions of the people noted in the column. I just found the closeness of the dates of this thread and the column humorous–and Miss Manner’s overall dicta regarding gifts pertinent.)

33

Chalk up one more vote for unbelievably tacky.

Your daughter has planned a wedding with very little regard for the comfort or convenience of her guests, which should be one of her primary concerns. The fact that she has chosen an inconvenient remote location (which is, of course, her prerogative) combined with a shameless shill for cash leads me to conclude that she is only interested in having paying spectators to her nuptials. Frankly, none of the facts in your op are particularly relevant, except perhaps for the fact that this is her second wedding, which makes her behaviour even more egregious.

I could afford to attend this wedding, and usually give a generous cash gift in lieu of a present. If I received this invitation (or more accurately, a solicitation to pay for their honeymoon), I would decline.

34

Few things take the joy out of gift-giving as effectively as the intended recipient expressing a sense of entitlement. Instructions on top of that add insult to injury.

Birth, marriage, and death are considered the three great milestones of human existence. While birth and death are of inescapable importance, marriage alone be fully and happily experienced by the affected individual, with anticipation, participation, and reminiscence all possible. Wedding invitiations are presumed to mean “we would like to share our joy with you.” Any mention of gifts or money changes the meaning to “we would like to get this from you.” A milestone is transformed into panhandling opportunity. This is not an improvement.

Now, we all understand tradition and human nature. Of course it’s hard to get excited about receiving ugly glassware and multiple fondue pots. But we learn to express gratitude for the heart of the giver, even if the gift itself doesn’t particularly please us. Showing displeasure over a gift can be hurtful to the giver. Telling said giver what to give takes it a step further with the implication that you expect them to select a displeasing gift. This is not the way to endear oneself to others. It’s crass.

Take a clue from IvoryTowerDenizen (post #15). There are ways to enlarge folks’ perspectives of what they might want to give that allow them to keep their dignity, and to keep “giver’s joy” in their hearts. Please consider approaching it from this angle.

35

Tacky.

36

Please convince your daughter that word of mouth will do. My husband and I got nearly everything on our registry and we never even mentioned we had one in our invites. People asked us directly or asked our parents/siblings and figured it out all by themselves.

37

If you want to be gracious, just put some contact details (emails, cell phone numbers etc) for the best man/maid of honour or the parents (NOT the happy couple), with a note to the effect of “if you have any questions regarding any aspect of the wedding or reception please contact so-and-so and we will try to assist you”.

Guests can then make contact and ask what the couple would like for a gift, if they so choose. MOH, parents or best man can then tactfully suggest cash towards the honeymoon. Putting contact details for the bride or groom is too close to grabbing for gifts, IMHO.

You’ll probably still end up with some toasters, but it will be much more polite.

38

A friend of mine is getting married to a woman who makes a very high income and already owns a home. After shelling out $80 for one piece of my wedding uniform (a blouse), and trying to figure out to do the rest of the attire without going bust, I was dutifully informed by the groom that they are not accepting gifts, but rather Best Buy gift cards so they can buy a huge TV and home theatre system.

Let’s just say that this kind of nonsense can cause significant resentment.

39

“Whatthhht’s thhhaaat u thay?”

Okay. What you all are sayin’ is pretty much my reaction. And, pretty much, my wife’s.

When I first read what she wanted to print on those cards, my reaction resulted in a bruise on my chin from the jaw drop. So, being a [somewhat] mature man, I did the only thing I could, under the circumstances - I left. Went to the store. Bought something for dinner. Spent some time cooling off. Went ahead and printed the ‘All Purpose Cards’. Went to bed. Slept on it.

I admit to being very disappointed, but I hate jumping to conclusions even if every instinct cries out against something. So I logged in here and asked y’all your opinion.

So far, at least by my count, that’s … let’s see, ummmm, carry the 2 and add the … a whole bunch of tacky’s quite a few rude’s, several extortion’s and …

… not even one in favor.

I will ask our daughter to read this thread sometime in the next few hours.

She’s a big girl now. We can only hope she has picked up some of the life-lessons her mother and I have tried to instill in her.

Thank you all, soooo much, for your honesty. And, so, too, for your suggestions, some of which had not yet occurred to me …

Lucy

40

In your daughter’s defense, it should be noted that while it remains tacky, some significant portion of the population appears to have begun employing this tactic and there could easily have been a bit of numbing of one’s etiquette perceptors. When a lot of people are doing something (without being driven from society) it begins to appear that it might be acceptable behavior. It is probably just a matter that the guests of such couples have tended to be more polite than the couples and held their tongues. Lacking genuine feedback on their actions, the story of the gaffe passed out into society as an action that was not rebuffed which is (mis)undertood to be general approval.