I could have been married at 21 and been just as happy as I am now. Thing is, I grew up a lot when I was 19 and 20. I figured out where I had made bad decisions, I figured out what I really needed instead of wanted (as far as a mate is concerned), and I figured out where I wanted to go with my own life. I had a lot of common sense naturally from my parents, and just managed, all at once, to get my head on straight. It was almost an audible pop when it happened. Actually, it was a life-altering epiphany, but I’m not going to get all mystical on you.
But my boyfriend at the time wanted to wait until I finished college. So I did, and we got married three months later. But I would have been perfectly okay marrying at the age of 21.
Now, my sister did marry at the age of 21, because she got pregnant. Bad decision, very bad. Now she’s struggling hard because her husband can’t hold down a steady job. She hadn’t had those realizations that I did. I think they come at a different time for everyone. I think she could have waited three or four years, enough time to finish college and find out where she was going in life. It kind of sucks, but I tried to be there for her.
Forgot to say that I was 23 when we got married. It was a long distance relationship, and those three years we were apart yet together was torture. Worth it now, but torture then.
Marriage age is not such a big deal to me. As many have said, you can just choose to wait. Which I have done, but I live with my boyfriend and not much would be different if we WERE married. And frankly, while I would never go into a marriage expecting it to end, marriages are reversible.
KIDS are not reversible. I cannot imagine having children before 20.
I don’t have an informed opinion on this–just popping in to say that I know of at least four girls marrying shockingly young. One childhood friend got married a little while ago at 21. Another friend has gotten engaged and will be married when she finishes college–aged 21 or 22. And two friends-of-friends are also engaged or just married; they can’t be more than 22. Oy.
I noticed that getting married really young (late teens, early twenties) can be a bit of a regional thing, just from my personal experience. My brother lives in Arizona and all of his and his wife’s friends are married and not one of them is over the age of 24. They all have children, too.
My S.O. went to college in Las Vegas and noticed the same thing. He said all the girls in his classes seemed to be married and they were all really young.
Around here, you don’t see it as much. I went to college at San Francisco State and didn’t know anyone who was married in their early twenties.
Not scientific by any means, just something I’ve noticed.
You’re right, Lezlers, I think. I grew up in northern Utah, and I didn’t there was anything the least bit odd about getting married at 18. Almost all the girls I knew in school got married almost right after graduation. When I went back to visit my family last summer, people my age (22) already have 2 or 3 kids!
I partially insisted on getting married as early as possible because I knew it would be Jaime, not my parents, putting me through school. I had to make sure the government and the institution recognized that fact and treated my financial aid accordingly. Otherwise, they’d look at my parent’s income when calculating what I should receive, instead of my actua household income.
CubHubby and I married as teenagers, after being together as a couple for almost three years before that. We’ve been together for 27 years now. I haven’t regretted it at all.
That said, teenage marriage is not something I would recommend to others. We had some difficulties in the first years that I think would have been lessened or eliminated if we had been older and wiser. However, you find your love when you find it and not necessarily when it is convenient to find it.
We got married very young: She was 23 and I was just about 22. I’d that it was too young, but we’re still together and still happy with each other just after our ninth anniversary.
If I had to pick an age that seems like a decent minimum, I’d have go with something in the mid or late twenties. It’s a sucker question though, age doesn’t mean as much as attitude and experience. On preview, what yellowval said.
Well, the question isn’t how young is too young to be in love, is it?
I’m madly in love with my S.O. I’m pretty sure I’m going to marry him someday. Doesn’t mean I have to run out and marry him next week. Just because you think you’ve found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, doesn’t mean you have to marry them right then and there. It’s not like they’re going to dissapear if you wait until you’re ready.
Totally depends on the people. I think successful marriage depends on the person you pick, and whether or not you have any common sense about marital expectations. I guess those two are related. Lots of failed marriages happen because of overfocusing on how ‘perfect’ it’s going to be, and how everything will change once you’re married.
That said, I would be leery about anything under 20, although it can work.
I was 24 and Mr. Lissar was almost 23. Still happily married.
Is early marriage such a trend? When we got married, tons of people were shocked that we’d marry before 27- 30.
I hear a lot of people saying stuff like, “not before 28 or 30, because before then you hardly know yourself.”
One of the reasons I think many young marriages are better is that you grow around each other like two closely planted trees. You “deform” and grow into each other as your personalities grow. If you take two 30 year olds, who have been doing their own things their own ways for 10 years, they will clash all the time. They will have different ideas about what is a clean house, where the toothbrushes should go, etc.
Now, of course, there are successes and failures at all ages, but I think this is a notable point.
My wife and I got married young, and we learned how to live in the world as a pair, not as two people trying to reconcile different lifestyles.
So you think you’ve discussed some marriages with young people?
The following is a surrealistic, but true, situation that I encountered while working as a stock boy at a St. Louis hospital in 1965 between my junior and senior years (16 year old).
I was working with a fellow 16yr old for several weeks who had not been very talkative but on one Friday he matter-of-factly let me know that he was going home to Thayer, Arkansas for the weekend for the marriage of his sister. In between throwing boxes of IV solutions, I asked him how old his sister was expecting a normal answer (> 18 years old). He told me that his sister was 12 years old. Remaining speechless, I’m sure, for a moment I managed to next inquire how old the groom was and was told that her husband to be was 13 . After remarking that I didn’t appreciate his sense of humour and his obvious bllsht he proceeded to tell me that there was nothing abnormal regarding this marriage down home and that he would be shortly celebrating his 4th anniversary and that his wife was 12 when they were married. I later met his brother who was also working in the hospital who was 21 years old and who had been married for 8 years with several children. The only redeeming thing was that at least his brother was enrolled in night school to obtain a college degree as he informed that he was the first and only one of the family to actually get a GED certificate.
BTW, I had remained skeptical of this whole thing for several weeks until my co-worker actually brought in his marriage certificate dutifully signed and certified.
To the best of my knowledge this was not a totally uncommon practice in the rural areas of Arkansas (and others I’m sure) at the time as I later met others sharing the same stories and experiences and was actually told that young woman from that area who were not married by the age of 16-17 were “old maids”.
At the time I wondered and later posed the question to others as to what the newlyweds would most likely be doing on their honeymoon night at the age of 11 or 12. I still cannot imagine what two 11-12 years olds would possibly be equipped to deal with marriage.
I agree that it’s the attitude and level of maturity that the couple have. They have to expect to deal with life issues that aren’t all fun and games. As long as they see the world realistically (and I have a number of friends in their early 20s who are more mature than a number of people in their 40s), they’ll be fine.
I also think that Hermitian has a good point. My boyfriend and I met when I was 17, and he was 18. We’ve been together for over four years now, and have been living together for a little over 6 months (two quarters in my university). We’ve learned how to treat one another and how to handle each other over the years. I think that our experience of having a long distance relationship for three years, then moving in together during college has given us experience that has greatly helped our relationship. We appreciate each other because of the distance early in our relationship and we also understand each other more because we’re experiencing a similar college environment.
We’re planning on getting married after college, but we realize that we have to establish ourselves before we can take that huge step. Right now we’re growing as adults because while we’re both full-time students, he’s supporting himself and I’m paying for minor expenses (my father pays for major expenses such as tuition and rent, but I work to pay for food, bills, books, etc.).
So I think that at least for us, our early-ish engagement/marriage will be okay since we have expectations based on reality. Though that may not be true for other people my age and younger.
I’m sorry if this came out as a justification for arranged marriges at six years old. Not so. It’s not my position. Just putting it out there as an example of other cultures and thier beliefs. Seems like we have heard alot from the USA/Euro side of things and the answer gererally is wait until your late twenties or early thirties (big surprise!).
You know, there are other people in the world. :smack: Any third world dopers out there? Or are we getting elitest these days?
Better than eight out of ten “teen” marriages end in divorce. I wouldn’t get in a car with that accident rate, yet daily children get married just knowing that they are in that 20 percent who are going to make it.
Jeez, we are stupid sometimes.
I once asked a teenager who was complaining about her boyfriend cheating on her fighting with her, looking at other girls, ignoring her and not taking her places she wanted to go only where he wanted to go, why she wanted to marry him. Her response?
I got married at 36, and I cringe to think what my life would have been like if I had married my highschool sweetheart at 20 or my college sweetheart at 25. Your choice in partner is way, way more important than how old you are.
Instead of assigning it a number, I’d say it’s about that point in your life when you really start treating others in the same manner in which you like to be treated. That’s usually in the late 20’s/early 30’s - just about the same point you start treating your parents like people and realize they weren’t complete assholes.
