At what age does getting married become acceptable? How about being engaged?
I know a lot of people get married and engaged young but so many more regret it later.
How about socially acceptable? I know pepperlandgirl got married recently and was complaining about how people saw that.
Any thoughts?
The perfect time for marriage has always been pushed on me as any time following college graduation.
My mother’s mantra is as follows
Graduate high school
Graduate college
Get married
Then, and only then, am I allowed to have children.
As for me, I want to be married once, to the love of my life, and I’m very adamant about this. If I get married, it’ll be a one-time, all-my-life deal. So, I’m willing to bet money that I’ll be engaged for a long time, deciding for sure that it is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.
But this is just me!
To my mind there is only “too old”.
Once you hit, say, 28 or 30, you have a hard time adjusting.
All the long-married people got together early. Young love is the strongest kind.
I think you’re old enough as soon as you can support a household and have a steady income. Anywhere from 16(HS dropout working full-time) to late twenties(after finishing grad school) is the right age for most people.
You’re looking at people who got married fifty or sixty years ago. Views regarding marriage and divorce were different in those days. I’m 18, my feelings about people can change dramatically. But, I won’t be done with school for another 7 or 8 years. I can wait.
Remeber to that people that marry at 35 don’t live long enough to be married 60 years. Dosen’t mean that there love weakens, only that they die.
What about engagement with the intention to marry after school, once you can support yourself etc.?
Given my family’s history with getting stuck in unpleasant dead-end relationships, I decided very early on that “old enough” was “able to treat the decision as much as a rational one as an emotional one.”
I think it depends on the person. A person probably shouldn’t get married until after their family, peers, and society in general starts treating them like an adult and they are used to it. This is why I think young marriage is perfectly fine in some societies while it’s a bad idea in a place where people are generally treated like children until they are 18.
Mother? Is that you?
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I think 18 is about the youngest acceptable age for one to get engaged let alone married. At least according to the values of most people in the US.
Let’s face it, young people often times make some pretty stupid decisions. That’s not such a bad thing because part of growing up is learning from your mistakes. A lot of teens simply aren’t prepared to make a lot of important decisions.
On the other hand when you’re 18 you can die for your country and elect one of the most powerful individuals in the free world.
Marc
I don’t think that an appropriate age can be chosen. In my case, for example, I decided that I was old enough and mature enough to make a committment to somebody I have loved for three years. (Actually, I fell in love with him three years ago today).
For people who have used the arguement “But you still have school! Don’t you want to go to school and be successful?!” Well, I don’t understand that arguement. Why would getting married, and theoretically having the support of a loving spouse, be detrimental to schooling and education?
I believe being financially secure is definitely important prior to being married but sometimes being with your spouse gives a person more reason to work harder, save up money if needed to raise a family. A family is a strong motivator.
It’s because life happens (i.e. pregnancy, one of you gets a high-paying job elsewhere and you move, etc).
I don’t think that you can reliably put a number on that. Some 13 year olds are ready for marriage; some 30 year olds aren’t. That’s the main problem that I have with age restrictions–they don’t take maturity into account.
In my view, your SO should be able to comprehend the intimacy of the sex act and what it means, and be able to handle everything that comes up in a marriage (such as money, children, disagreements, getting/keeping employment, and so on). If I had to put an age thing on it, I’d say that anyone who is too young to bear/sire children (referring to preadolescence, not sterility) should not be married. That’s pretty much the only absolute that I’d lay down. I know that the majority of young teens can’t fit my requirements for matrimony–but some can, and I’m sure we’ve all met adults who can’t.
I guess one of the reasons that the kids thing never occurred to me is because I never plan on having kids…ever. For any reason, at any time. So when people acted like I was throwing my life away to get married, and persumably start a family, it confused me.
Eighteen is not some magical number that grants all individuals the ability to suddenly be able to make decisions any better than when they were 17.
MGibson, why should I let “the values of most people in the US” weigh in on my decision to get married?
I advocate waiting until you’re emotionally mature before getting married – to wit, know what you really are like as a person, and what you really want out of a mate. If that means waiting until you’re older to get married, all the better – marrying too young is a romantic notion, but one that’s fraught with risk, IMO.
Or, alternately, if “Great sex” is on your list of Top Three Reasons To Get Married Now, then you shouldn’t. 
Let me start by saying that I accept that some people marry very young, and everything works out for them. I admire those people, and wish them all the best.
I know two couples who got engaged last year, both the brides-to-be were under 21. The first couple were engaged within 2 months, married within 6 months of meeting. They live in a divey rental house on the seedy side of town, don’t own a vehicle between them, had no furniture, and yet their parents spent up big on a wedding… that money could have been used as a down-payment on a future. Why they had to get married so fast is beyond me… they’d have been better off taking their time and saving their money and getting to know each other.
The second couple were engaged within 3 months of starting their relationship, and will marry in December - before their 18 month anniversary. They are planning on trying to conceive in November because they want to start a family ASAP - they hope to announce a pregnancy at their wedding, (talk about cutting it a bit fine!)… yet this couple talk about going on overseas vacations. They won’t be able to afford to go for many years - not if they’re starting a family. They don’t have a home or any money saved because every last cent is going into the wedding… yet they also say they want to buy a house. These days they seem to fight a lot… he is very close to his parents but they hate her (and vice versa), and the tension is getting a bit much… my friend is already making comments like “I don’t know if I want these people to be around my children… if they keep doing this, they won’t get to see their grandkids”. I can see a messy divorce coming up in a very short time. That, or permanent damage done to his relationship with his parents.
I guess the key here isn’t age, more taking the time to get to know each other before rushing into marriage, but I think if these girls were a little older and more mature, they wouldn’t be in such a hurry. Marriage is forever… why can’t they take the time to make sure they aren’t making a mistake??
On the other hand… my own parents married at age 20, after 12 months engagement and 12 months dating… they are still together after 27 years, and very happy. I hope the couples I mentioned in the post can say the same thing one day.
If you can get married at 18 and make it work and make it last, that’s wonderful. But I think that 21-22 is a good age to get engaged/married. I think that between 16-20 you should be enjoying life and start trying to figure out who you are. I hope that my daughter doesn’t get married when she’s 18. I want her to date a lot and have some fun before she decides to spend the rest of her life with one person. I don’t believe in really long engagements either. You shouldn’t have to “date” someone for 5+ years before you decide whether or not you want to marry them. After being with someone for a year you should know if you love them and want to marry them and then you have to decide to either fish or cut bait.
I’m also one of those people who thinks you shouldn’t marry the first person you have sex with. One of my best friends married the first guy she slept with and she’s always wondered (8 years later) what it would be like to be with someone else. Her sex life isn’t satisfying and she can’t get her husband to give her what she wants and she questions if sex is supposed to be this way but she doesn’t know any different. Now that’s really sad. Sex is a big part of a relationship (not the most important but it is a BIG part of it… or it should be) and you shouldn’t ever have to wonder if there’s something more to it. You should be experienced enough to know that the person you’re with is the only person you want to have sex with for the rest of your life!
It’s also about maturity. I know very few 18 year olds who are really ready for marriage. I’m not saying that it’s not possible for some people to get married at 18 and make it work, I’m just saying they’re few and far between. I know a woman who got married after she turned 18 and they’re still together 13 years later. Unfortunately, she went from her father’s house to her husband’s house and never had a chance to live life on her own, support herself and be independent and self sufficient and know that she could survive without a man in her life. Her daddy took care of her for the first 18 years and now her husband takes care of her. If her husband died today she’d be absolutely lost and wouldn’t be able to stand on her own two feet. That’s really sad to me.
This cracked me up.
I think it strongly depends on the people, but in general I think it’s always better to be older than younger. I’m 28, and have learned an immeasurable amount about myself and relationships since I was 18. If I, personally, had gotten married at 18, I would have almost definitely gotten divorced by now. I’d rather only get married once, forever, so for me it was definitely better to wait until now.
Bah! When I was 18/19/20/21 I was entirely too selfish and self-absorbed to get married - belive me, I was engaged 3 times, to 3 different people before 21. Now at the ripe old age of 28, I actually have the mental/financial/personal where with all to be a good spouse. Now if I could only get a blasted date…
My parents have been together for 30+ years and my mom was 24 and my dad was 28. Also, the were married 10 months after the first time they MET. They’re happy as clams, smoothching and cuddling all the time (Yetch!)
Anyhow, when is too early to get married? I think if you are old enough to put another persons feelings in front of your own, SOME times, and your own feelings first SOME times then you’re ready to get married.
Al.