HP Customer Care? Well, you DO deal with customers, so I guess it's half-right.

The BBQ Pit
1

Prepare for the pitting, you hapless fuckwits. :mad:

Okay, so I did something dumb. I’m man enough to admit it. Somehow, during my routine computer defragging, I managed to remove a file from my computer which prevented Windows XP from loading correctly. Booted in safe mode, still got the Black Screen of Death. No dice. :sad:

Okay, time to bite the bullet and call the HP line. Maybe somebody can help. This is Sunday afternoon, so I am not particularly hopeful.

Amazingly, I end up talking to someone in just shy of 25 minutes holding time. :rolleyes: This woman has a thick Middle-Eastern accent. I mention this only because it comes into play a little later.

The woman on the other end informs me that my model is no longer supported for free, and it’s going to cost $30 for their “expert assistance.” I hate this, but I realize that the computer being broken is my fault, so there’s no one to blame but myself. I whip out my credit card and grudgingly pay the fee. After a lot of rigamarole and answering a lot of questions phrased in broken English, I am given a case number, and told to hold for the next available technician.

I am hung up on in less than 10 seconds. :mad: :mad: Thank Christ I wrote down the case number.

After calling back, and waiting for 35 minutes this time to speak with another representative, I finally get in touch with a technician. This technician, a man, also has a Middle-Eastern accent.

The first step he takes is to ask if I’ve consulted the online help guide. Uh, well, that would require successful booting of Windows. I’m already a little worried.

As he attempts to troubleshoot based on my description (i.e., I deleted a file that’s necessary for Windows to reload) it becomes painfully obvious that he’s reading from a manual. At one point he’s running through steps to recover Windows, and I notice he’s telling me, in no uncertain terms, to format my entire hard drive and start again.

I stop him. Format, you say? Why would we want to format the entire drive?

To recover Windows, he says.

Uh, is there a way to accomplish this WITHOUT LOSING EVERY FILE ON MY COMPUTER IN THE PROCESS?

At this point, he tells me to click a couple buttons, recover the original Windows configuration, and let the computer do its thing. Sure enough, in 35-45 minutes, the desktop is whirring politely and reloading everything. With the exception of a few programs that need to be reinstalled, everything’s as safe as houses.

So here we go, HP asshats and “customer care” manual readers:

First of all, to the dipsticks in hiring: I understand you need warm bodies that are capable of A) taking $30, and B) reading from manuals, but let’s be perfectly frank and not-at-all politically-correct, shall we?

If you have a job wherein your primary duty is to speak with the public, it might behoove you to hire people who can speak the fucking language. Okay? And I realize to the tender-hearted and Democratic among the SDMB that this nitpick might seem cold and prejudicial. Well tough shit. Blind people don’t typically do well as air traffic controllers, either – learn to accept your limitations as a person and move on.

Second of all, your manuals are obviously written by orangutans. Who in their right mind recommends a complete system dump BEFORE the simple reinstallation of the missing software? Is it just me, or is this the equivalent of saying to a homeowner whose house is infested with cockroaches, “Well, we could start with napalm. That ought to handle things. Of course, if that doesn’t work, we could try Raid.” To boot, the guy seemed a little put off that he was going to have to turn to another page to get the answer that didn’t require a complete format of my hard drive. Think it through, jackass.

Third, why in the fuck am I consistently hung up on whenever I call for assistance? As computer “experts,” you’re not exactly filling me with confidence when the Hold and Transfer buttons on your phone are a little too daunting.

So, to HP’s “customer care” division, I give up a hearty fuckaroo to you, too. Next time I buy, you can bet it won’t be from a company that doesn’t employ people who know what the fuck they’re doing on even a basic level.

Oh, and stick that $30 up your asses, you backward Fiorina-fuckers.

2

I’ll be the first to agree with you on the language thing. Why do I have to constantly ask you to repeate yourself because you just stepped off the boat? And before I hear it from the bleeding hearts, I myself am an immigrated U.S. citizen and I can speak English quite well.

So there. :slight_smile:

3

Carla Fiorina came to HP from Lucent. From the Lucent Logo alone, you should realize that 1) She’s No Virgin, and 2) the $30 will fit in easily, even in pennies .
http://www.lucent.com/images_v1/nav/logo.gif
Carry on.

4

Man, sorry to hear about that. Having made helpdesk calls from hell, I can relate. The part that suprises me is it being HP. We usually buy HP because of their support. Last time my sister-in-law had an issue, they shipped her a new computer and asked her to ship hers back to them after it arrived.

5

These people are probably not in the States at all. It’s cheaper to hire folks elsewhere. I’m fine with that as long as their English is decent AND understandable. But you don’t always get lucky enough to get somebody whose English is both of those.

6

So you paid someone $30 to read a manual to you over the phone?

7

No, apparently I paid $30 so someone could hang up on me. The reading of the manual over the phone only occurred after I called back and waited.

Besides, I pored over my own manuals before calling, so attempting to make me look stupid by pointing out my shortcomings will have to wait in line. Behind my mother-in-law, probably.

8

For what it is worth, that Middle Eastern accent was probably Indian.

And when a roomate spilled an “Adult Beverage” on my keyboard, I shipped it in and got the keyboard and pointer replace for abolutlely free. I thought it was a pretty good deal with customer support.

YMMV.

9

Well, it sounds like you understood them and they understood you, so there was no language problem…are you sure that “broken English” doesn’t actually mean “unfamiliar accent”?

10

Not to ride in on your vapor trail, Chastain, but I, too was recently blown away by the stupidity of HP. I had to call them because I couldn’t load the ink cartridges into my new photoprinter. I followed the quick-start instructions to the letter. Problem was, they forgot some letters. The ones that say the machine has to be “on” before the cartridges will fit into the little cartridge holder thingys. Laugh all you want, but the instructions said to follow step-by-step, and turning it on wasn’t a step. Oh, and they didn’t bother to mention that their printer doesn’t accept the memory card for my camera, so the whole fuckin’ thing had to go back anyway. The one we replaced it with cost $62 more, which totally chapped my heinie. I feel your pain, my friend.

11

Should I ask how the fuck HP was supposed to know what kind of memory card your camera takes?

-lv

12

Most U.S. help desk calls are handled oversees India, Phillipines, Indonesia, etc. Even South Africa.

Understanding the language has been demonstrated to be very insufficient, because there are so many things that one says to communicate intricate workings that the language barrier is a problem. Little things we say ( for example, saying “little things”) don’t intepret well unless you’ve had a lifetime of the language.

Well, whether you call your credit card company, national credit bureau, help desk, phone company or whatever, chances are your frustration level will rise because of language problems.

We have reps in India and South America handling our US based calls, and our customer complaint rate is making us wonder if it’s worth it.

IBM or Dell (forget which) just returned 750 jobs to the U.S because the Indians couldn’t handle it (for the large corporate accounts). Regular dolts like us will still speak to an Indian who underwent training to lose the accent and understand american-speak, but it doesn’t work quite as well as a U.S based person talking on the other end.

Ask what country you are calling and many will say “I’m not authorized to tell you that”.

AND make sure you complain! Companies are taking notice of this and ae reconsidering outsourcing everything.