After someone has been in a relationship for a long time…over ten years…do you think it means anything when one of the people involved begins to see hugging as a chore?
With a question like that, I’m sure you will need more information. I’m involved in a relationship with someone I very much admire and who, I believe, very much admires me. We’ve been together for a very long time and, although having some rocky points along the way on both sides, have what I perceive to be a solid relationship. We enjoy each other’s company, respect each other, etc. In terms of hugs…well…sometimes I feel the need to be held and I ask him to just hug me or hold me. I’m not referring to after the “act” but during a point when you are just feeling blue or just want to feel the love you share. In the past he would oblige me and sometimes hold me just enough but sometimes he pulls away too soon saying, “Okay, that’s enough.” Or sometimes when we’re lying in bed he’ll respond with, “I’m just getting ready to read,” or, “I’m tired now,” or something else along those lines.
I honestly do not think I’m a needy person. In fact, I’m more on the opposite when it comes to independence and feelings. I view myself as a female with a strong will, a technically analytical mind, and a very low need for emotional drama. I don’t ask him for much and that’s why I think a request for a hug shouldn’t be as draining as he makes it appear. Is a hug more draining than I realize? Do you think I’m asking too much?
In terms of feeling down, I tend to be an upbeat person most of the time…well…except for about once a month when I sometimes feel a little down and maybe more needy than I feel comfortable feeling. I guess tonight is just one of those times. I’ve thrown a bunch of questions out there if anyone feels like responding and if you don’t want to respond to any of the questions, your perspectives are very much welcomed instead.
I would just tell him that it seems like he has not been as receptive to hugging as he has in the past and ask him if he has any idea he is doing this and perhaps why? If not, it will probably eventually blow up to “You never want to hug me or hold me anymore”. Now, you have to be prepared for the answer, whatever that might be. And you might need to do some convincing, but not prodding. For example, if he doesn’t respond to the above, you might push a little and tell him that it’s hurting you and makes you feel like there is something wrong with the relationship, perhaps that will help him tell you, because I’m sure he doesn’t want to hurt you. If he doesn’t respond to that, I would just wait a little while and see if anything changes. But if it doesn’t, you’ll have to confront him again, because you do not want to be resentful toward him.
Don’t bring it up during an argument or when you are feeling needy, that is sure to put him on the defensive. Try to approach it from a logical standpoint so you can get down to what (if any) issues there are and discuss a workable solution.
We all feel needy from time to time, so you shouldn’t feel bad about that. But there’s a change in his behavior toward you, and while I wouldn’t make a major deal out of it (because it might not be), I would open up a discussion to make sure that there isn’t anything going on with him.
Good luck.
Hugs certainly aren’t draining, so I’d talk to him about why it’s become a bit of a chore for him. You’ll never know unless you ask.
There’s nothing wrong or “needy” with wanting an occasional hug from your SO…sometimes you just want the support and comfort his/her arms can give you. That’s pretty much the first thing I do when I’m upset or feeling blue. Mr. Levins’ frequent and often unsolicited hugs are one of the many reasons I adore him.
And he doesn’t let go until I do.
I agree with Heart on My Sleeve. Ask him what may be going on during a casual moment when you don’t need/want a hug at that point…don’t whine and don’t sound accusatory or you’ll send him into Defensive Mode.
You shouldn’t have to beg for a hug.
My husband is kind of like your SO. Sometimes I have to practically drag a hug out of him. I sort of turn it into a light moment so he doesn’t think I’m going to whip out a violin or something. I just say, “C’mere, you…come to the kissing step (we have a kissing step where he doesn’t have to lean over and I don’t have to get up on tippy toes) and get your hug, you old lummox, you!” He usually laughs and all is well. If he tries to pull away before I want him to, I just say, “Um…you’re not done yet.” It’s not exactly the way I’d like it, but it’s OK. Sometimes he’ll hug me when I least expect it (or give me a big, noisy kiss on the cheek) so I guess things equal out.