Human Resources jokes

Hi, my friend works in Human Resources (HR.) Not always a fun job :smack:, so I’d like to cheer her up.
So please could you post any HR jokes here.
I have two so far, based on ‘funfair dismissal’ and ‘this time it’s personnel’.
Thanks!

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”

“Kryptonite.”

“What would you say is your biggest weakness?”

“Honesty”
*
“I don’t think honesty is a weakness”*

“I don’t give a shit what you think”

That is funny.

Greg Hahn, a stand-up comic, has a whole routine on HR - I don’t have sound on my computer here at work, or I’d try to find it. But I think it’d be worth looking for.

The REAL human resources joke:

any instance of the words “for you” or “your benefit”, or any similar meaning, in any HR communication with any employee ever.

A classic from Office Space

HR: I see you’ve been missing a lot of work lately
Employee: I wouldn’t say I’ve been “missing” it

When you come to the space on the HR form where it says “Sex?,” write “Yes, please.”

[VOICE OF RODNEY DANGERFIELD] I once applied for a job as a “man Friday.” Turned out they only wanted me to come in one day a week! [RIM SHOT]

I don’t get no respect! :mad:

HR: Why should I hire you?
Me: Because this company needs someone who knows why he should hire people.


HR: Are you on drugs?
Me: You and I both know that you don’t pay me enough to have a drug problem.

HR: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Applicant: Running this company and firing anyone stupid and/or unimaginative enough to ask that question.

Applicant (if it’s Mitch Hedberg): “Celebrating the fifth anniversary of YOU asking ME that question…”

These are great - many thanks. :slight_smile:

Ambiguous responses to reference checks:

[ul]
[li]You will be lucky to get him to work for you.[/li][li]I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.[/li][li]I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.[/li][li]She works without direction.[/li][li]He works effortlessly.[/li][li]There is nothing you can teach a man like this.[/li][li]Her true ability was deceiving.[/li][li]I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.[/li][li]I would say that his real talent is getting wasted at his current job.[/li][li]You won’t find many people like her.[/li][/ul]

“I cannot praise this man too highly” was my dad’s favorite.

[quote=“Jeff_Lichtman, post:14, topic:819321”]

[li]I would say that his real talent is getting wasted at his current job.[/li][/QUOTE]
Heh, the favorite one of the ones that are new to me so far in this thread.

Reason for leaving prior job:
“Him find out what ‘kemo sabe’ really mean.”
from the classic Johnny Carson sketch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8uSUcAFiXc
From a real-life reference check:
“He’s a diligent, conscientious, excellent worker. When he’s sober.”

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/d3/42/1c/d3421c4d22f7a7f22bfc32b849f13031.jpg