Husbands Hate Me

In My Humble Opinion
21

Okay, here’s my take on it.

My H hated my friends. We got married when I was very young, and he was a controlling, narcissitic a$$hole. I had a budget for weekly expenditures, I was not allowed to charge anything on his credit card without his permission (he eventually took it away from me), we never did anything.

My friends were the ones who pointed out his controlling narcissitic behaviour, and they were the ones who encouraged me to stand up for myself. That’s why my H didn’t like them.

That’s not a bad thing, if done correctly. And looking back, I’m glad they did, and if he didn’t like it, well, tough.

22

And of course I realized moments ago, that for some reason, I had flipped “husbands” and “wives” in my mind. I assumed that you’re friends were male, and that their wives didn’t like you…sigh. My questions would have made much more sense in that situation. Sorry.

23

Well, you just can’t please 'em all.

There’s no good way of getting a real answer to your question without going into the details and dynamics of your relationship with these people.

Just as a blind guess, I’d say that you convey your thoughts and opinions much like a guy would, instead of how a gal is expected to, and men find that threatening (yet fascinating). In NO WAY am I suggesting you are any less female than any other, it’s just that some of us use different logic. Just chalk it up to another fine example of communication between the sexes.

Oh - and if you attempt to ‘girlify’ your thoughts, you’ll only end up with a bellyache. If they simply believe you are TOO (whatever), attempt to chill out a bit and allow them to have a voice (even if they’re wrong) occasionally.

24

Well if it’s parents and boyfriends and then husbands, i hate to say it, but there very well could be something within your demeanor that comes across as annoying or unfavorable.

25

Given that your f’s h’s see you as a bad influence, I have an example that may be useful to you.

Back in the bad old days, I lived this woman who was not exactly well-suited to me. God only knows why we stayed together… oh, wait, yes, I remember now. It was inertia. Inertia and sex. Inertia and sex and fear of lonliness. Anyhow, she had this one particular friend who I might have described as a bad influence on her. I like the friend well enough when we were all together… she was smart nice, NOT too anything that people have mentioned.

But that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that when my GF and her F spent time together without me bad thing happened. Like the next time GF and I spent time together, we would fight? Maybe? Actually, what I remember (the bad old days were long ago) was that she would then say and do things that really bummed me out. It wasn’t like ‘Melinda said you smell funny’ but just stuff that seemed to come out of nowhere and show that GF didn’t care much about what I said or thought.

Maybe this is not so helpful, even if it is the source for you, since I don’t know what in the world went on between them that made her like this when she came home. On the third hand, I was a pretty screwed up kid (as opposed to the slightly more enlightened screwed up man I am now) so it may just have been that spending time with her F made GF realize how unhappy she was with me. If that’s what’s going on for you, your friends will thank you for it later, and to heck with their husbands.

Nog

26

If you are really that concerned about it, go to the source. Ask the husbands. If you are lucky, you’ll get your answer. If you get your answer, just listen without defending yourself and then think about it. Maybe it will be something that you didn’t know and want to change. Maybe it will just be their impression of you, and then it is your decision on whether or not you want to change that impression by letting them get to know you better.

Using myself as an example, I did this years ago out of curiousity as I’m not a guy who is adored my many. The general consensus is that I was/am an arrogant, self righteous prick.

On reflection and from detailed “outside” impressions from close friends: I am a very self confident person, which on first impressions and here and there encounters, comes across as very arrogant. I’ve also had a lot of experiences that many people have not, so in a longer setting, comes across as a “I’m more worldly than you” or an “oh yeah? I can top that” type of thing, even if I’m just describing an amusing event. I’m also a rather expressionless person, so it’s hard to tell when I’m serious, joking, or being condescending, which is usually taken as condescending. I am also a blunt person. If asked an opinion, I will give it without sugar coating (if you might be afraid of the answer, don’t ask me scary questions). Which ties back into arrogance. My personal view is that intelligent people appreciate the truth and tact is only for the less intelligent and being less intelligent, they may take the tactful response the wrong way so better to just fire away (right or wrong, that’s my outlook on tact, on which I was counselled countless times). And so on and so forth.

My solution? I attempted to change once, and it lasted about one month. I made better first impressions, which led to being more “accepted” at first but in the end, I felt fake. “I know you’ll like me eventually, but first here’s a cheap impression that you’ll like and you can fill in the later acts yourself”. If you can’t be honest to yourself…

If you want people to like you, you can change to suit their whims if that is what is important to you. If you want to be liked for who you are, you will be, by those who care enough to look beyond what they see/hear about you. You may not have a lot of friends, but those you have will be very good ones:)

To sum up, if you want to know why husbands don’t like you, ask the husbands. If you want them to like you, and you don’t feel that they know the real you, ask them to spend some time with you. If they just don’t want to, they have made up their minds that they don’t like you and are not worthy of further effort.

27

Ah, thank you, Degrance for that nostalgic trip down memory lane, back to the time when the admission that every single one of these men dislikes her must mean that men are oppressing womyn.
The good old days. Don’t you wish they’d come back?

28

It might help if you told us what kind of people do like you. Are they introverts or extroverts? Are they safe or dangerous? Tell us about the company you keep, and we might be able to use it as a sort of “mirror”.

29

laughs

My thoughts exactly.

30

Originally by Czarcasm

I have friends that fall in sort of everywhere. One is very much like me, independant, and I guess we could be called aggressive. We’ve been friends now for 18 years.

Another is a very nice girl, but has spent her entire life trying to please everyone else. She is married to a man 35 years older then her, who will not let her drive a car or talk on the phone to anyone. We’ve been friends for a long time and we are only able to communicate by her “secret” e-mail address.

Two others are full time mothers, like me. But, by their own admissions, are not allowed to make plans that do not include their children because their fathers will not stay home to watch them.

Over all, I don’t really dislike many people. Almost everyone I know has good qualities. The ones I don’t like are usually pretty evil, like friend #2’s husband.

Does that help ?

31

Ah, so the uppity women thing may have more truth than previously expected…

They get more respect from you than from their husbands, so after spending time with you, expect more respect from them?

You bust their stable dynamic, then… ?

32

Just a WAG, but I’m gonna go with the “uppity women” thing too. I bet after hanging out with you, they’re probably a bit more assertive than they “should” be, and it bothers their husbands.

33

I recall a workplace-advice column that printed a letter from a poor schmuch who kept getting fired, demoted, not hired, ostracized, etc. He wanted to know what was wrong – with everybody else.
He admitted to being opinionated and thought he was engaging in stimulating discussions. Reading between the lines, people found him unpleasant.

There’s a good rule, on message boards and in life. If some people don’t like you, it’s their problem. If a lot of people don’t like you, it’s your problem.

Dragongirl says that her friends’ parents disliked her and later hated her. Then she adds that every one of the husbands dislikes her. You can keep encouraging her to think it everyone else’s fault, but I think the karma truck is going to hit pretty hard someday.

FTR, every woman I’ve met who says she’s been scorned for being an “uppity woman” is trying to blame everyone else for the fact that she is unpleasant to be around.

Keep in mind, women who don’t like Dragongirl will therefore not associate with her. It’s a self-selecting process. Husbands don’t have the option.