If no one likes your SO...

In My Humble Opinion
1

…does that bother you?

I had T’giving with a bunch of old friends, among whom is a guy who went to HS with my sister and BIL, so we’ve known and loved him for 35 or 40 years now. Smart, interesting, occasionally a bit of a blowhard when he’s got a few drinks in him, but what the hell, he’s a total sweetheart.

His wife, OTOH, no one likes. I don’t think anyone really actively dislikes her, but she’s neurotic and uninteresting, which is a pretty painful combination. Although I’m not an extrovert, I can generally make conversation with just about anyone, but damn it’s uphill with her.

So these two have been married, for, hell, 20 or 25 years at this point, and she’s been around, and no one really likes her, we all just kind of tolerate her for her husband’s sake.

And I would really love to know what that’s like for the husband, but I can’t exactly ask him – so I’m asking you. Is anyone married to someone who no one likes – and what’s that like?

2

Luckily, my mom liked my hubby, however disliked his parents…they live in the past a lot, and are generally cheap and difficult to have a conversation with about, anything other than their kids (my hubby and his sister (which is a whole other story). That was fun at Christmas…I would have to pick my mom up as late as possible in the afternoon for dinner, then return her home after dinner.

To be honest, I’m not particularly fond of them either. But you can imagine, trying to organize a dinner with my mom, his parents, sister and her stupid hubby, neice, hubby’s son and girlfriend…and they all wonder why I spend so much time in the kitchen, declining help but very close to the fridge where the Baileys and beer live!

3

Nah, I’m not talking about PITA relatives – they’re a whole category of their own. I’m talking about being married to (or fairly permanently hooked up with) someone who none of your friends like.

4

Most likely he likes something about her

  • possibly she shags like a rattlesnake
  • perhaps she is rather smart
  • yet again, she might be dependant

It is also possible that he shags around, and she is just a laundry.

5

A lot might depend on whether this guy knows that none of his friends like his wife. Has anyone in your social circle actually told him that (not advocating it, mind you - just curious)? Because if not, he might not know, and the question might be moot.

OR, he might not know, but SHE knows, and keeps saying, “Honey, I don’t think your friends like me,” and he keeps telling her she’s being silly.

As far as I know, all of my friends DO like my SO, but I’m not sure that’s the case for my sister (her family doesn’t much like him, anyway). And from what I observe, it makes her reluctant to share any mundane, marital gripes about him with anyone, because that just adds fuel to the fire. So whereas I could, say, complain to my mom about Skip Magic’s refusal to throw away his holey socks and it would just strike her as a cute “personality enhancement”, if my sister were to issue the same complaint about her husband, my mother would chalk it up as yet another of his major personality travesties.

6

NOBODY liked my ex-wife. She could not hold an intelligent conversation to save her life. She was super anti-social. She was shy. She had some serious mental issues. When Thanksgiving came, she would just sit there, and would get upset that I gave her little of my time, not understanding that people actually liked to hold intelligent and deep conversations.
I never loved her (got married for other reasons). Prior to getting married, I knew my family did not like her. After getting married, I also knew deep down that my friends always wondered what the hell I was thinking. BUT…it was not until after the divorce that everyone told me how much they disliked her.

What is it like? It makes for dreadful get-togethers knowing that you are going to a place where the conversation will be limited, that others are talking about your SO behind your back. It holds you back, even more so if you are a social person who gets along with everyone. It almost gets to the point that you would rather avoid get togethers knowing that very little good can come out of it.

My wife now is the exact opposite. Smart, capable of holding great conversations, etc. A complete 180 from my ex.

7

I’m not asking about why he married her, or why he’s stayed married to her (there are various plausible theories about that), since that’s not relevant to my question. What I want to know is – what’s it like?

So thanks, FMG and auntie em, that’s more what I was interested in.

And, yeah, I think they both know – she doesn’t always come to non-event parties and gatherings. (Holidays, graduations, etc., yes – “just a party” parties, not necessarily.)

8

Well I’ve been in both places - having the disliked SO as well as being the disliked SO (imagine that!!)

Both really suck. I lived with a guy that none of my friends liked which was a real drag - some of them just sort of ignored him, and some were actually hostile. A couple of them actually took me aside and said “Why are you with HIM?!?!” Obviously, it kinda put me off my friends - I’m no longer with that guy, but I’m not really friends with those people anymore either -I mean, I see them once and a while, but we’re not close anymore.

As the disliked SO - well, that just sucks. In retrospect, the friends were right - he and I had no business being together - we had nothing in common, wanted different things, etc. etc. Interestingly, his family loved me, and his friends from home loved me, but his friends from here didn’t like me one bit. Oh well, he’s married to someone else and they have 27 babies or some shit, so it was for the best.

To the OP - yikes - if they’ve been married for 20 years that’s got to be a strain on their relationship. Obviously, if you don’t like someone, you don’t like them, but I can imagine how conversations in their house go when an invitation from his friends arrives. I wonder if her friends like him?

9

An ex-girlfriend (live-together relationship) fit this category. She had major emotional issues and was a bitter shrew much of the time. Any perceived slight and she would lay waste with her tongue and attitude. Talk about having to live on eggshells. One time, after she lit into one of her friends on the phone (at this point it was “former friend,” I guess–she didn’t hang on to friends very long), I took the phone and the friend’s only words to me were “dive, I’m so sorry for you.”

Anyway, it was very difficult during family gatherings. Everyone *tried * to be nice to her, or at least cordial. I put up a strong front, so I think everyone just assumed I was handling things okay. Friends? Well, when you are in a relationship like this, you often find that you become subsumed into it and the idea of outside friendships and social gatherings fades away until you wake up one day and realize that you haven’t been “out with friends” by yourself for over a year. Like that proverbial frog in the pot of boiling water, you don’t realize that circumstances are destroying you until it is (almost) too late.
So, what was in this for me? Well, our sex life could rival anything in Penthouse Forum (she channeled anger into sex a lot of the time). Also, she was in counseling and on medication and I felt that if I left, I was abandoning her. A sense of obligation, I guess. Plus we did share common interests and she would always be very apologetic after scorching the earth yet again.

Hmmm, I’m getting off topic here.

As I mentioned above, family gatherings could be strained. Many times, she would just stay in her room and I would use the old “she’s not feeling well” thing to cover for her. I honestly think my family’s reactions were one more of a confused sadness. They are not hateful people, and like I said everyone tried to be nice to her. (I do know it was for my sake, not because of her winning personality.) I don’t think she *wanted * to be liked. She didn’t like herself and not being liked by others was some sort of perverted self-fulfilling prophesy.

No one said much outwardly along the lines of questioning the relationship. At least I don’t remember. I DO know I got family emotional support when I called to do a little emotional venting. I’m also honest enough to realize that even though I knew my family wanted me to be happy (and I obviously was not), nothing they could have said would have made any difference. Some things we just have to learn for ourselves.

Maybe they did try more than I’m remembering, but my stubborness to “stay the course” has blocked some of that.

I did have one good friend who was in a similar relationship at the same time. Emotionally manipulative and fragile woman with a destructive tongue. Sometimes we’d just look at each other with that lost look (“how the hell did I get myself into this and what the hell do I do now?”).

10

My SO’s ex sounds just like divemaster’s. Unfortunately, they ended up having a child together, so she’s in our lives permanently whether we like it or not. Divemaster, be grateful you didn’t knock her up! I asked him many times why he stayed with her for so long (not one single person in his life has one, solitary nice thing to say about her). He said it was mostly out of obligation. They had a child together and she’s so self destructive, she couldn’t make it on her own. Plus, she had stalker-like tendencies, it was easier just to stay with her than fight her off. My SO has the type of personality, though, that he doesn’t much care what other people think. Fortunately, his friends and family like me, but even if they didn’t, it wouldn’t matter one whit to him.

On the other side of the coin, some of my family love my SO, and others don’t, although they won’t tell me why. It sucks because I’m very close to my family. He knows the ones who don’t care much for him (my aunt, who has every holiday gathering at her house) and he never wants to go to family gatherings because of it. Fortunatley, enough of them like him that it kind of evens out.

I don’t think my SO’s sister cares much for me. She thinks the fact that I’m vegan and he’s a meat eater will be fatal to our relationship. Whatever. I’d love to say it doesn’t bug me, but it totally does. It makes me want to kiss her ass to get her to like me, and I hate that.

One of my SO’s friends was with a girl for 2 years that no one could stand. Turns out, he had no idea. Once people began to suspect he was going to propose, they let him know how they felt. He broke up with her.

11

My youngest brother’s wife is a good example of this species.

She quit coming to family reunions a few years ago because everyone, on both mom and dad’s sides, disliked her.

She’s fat, ugly, stupid beyond belief, totally superficial, a slob, can talk for hours without saying anything, has no sense with money, will complain for hours on how hard they’ve had it financially (they have a household income of around $120K), she overreacts to everything.

Lucky for me I don’t have to be around her more than a couple of times a year.

12

My wife was married before - to a man who was disliked by everyone in her life, both friends and family. Her best friend (a funny, funny guy, really) would supposedly purposely call him by the wrong name every time they met - Durwood, Daniel, David, everything but Daryl, his real name. I asked her this question just now, and she said that she really didn’t know that they disliked him - she was kinda naive at the time. And by the time she realized how they felt, she didn’t like him either.

They all love me, and I love them too, for the most part…

Joe

13

My sister-in-law is sort of like that. We don’t actively dislike her, we just don’t respect her. We can’t converse. She isn’t intelligent. When she’s at our family homes, she never discipines her children. SHe’s taken her elementary-school-aged children out of public school to home-school them, although she has no training and is no braintrust herself. And, I think, after 8 years of marriage to my brother, she still acts like a guest when she visits on holidays. When the rest of the family is pitching in to get things done, or clean up afterward, she sits like a lump and expects to be waited on. How can she expect to be treated like family if she doesn’t act like it.

StG

14

Your SIL is Jean Teasdale? (Well, except that she really does have it bad financially…)

15

Only one of my friends dislikes me SO. But that that friend happens to be a bitch at times. My fiance and I seem to be the only people willing to call her on it. And for some reason I’m allowed to tell her she’s acting like a bitch, but she takes offence if he does it. He doesn’t like her either.

16

My MIL hates me. And is quite blatant about it. I’m too {choose any: loud, handicapped, opinionated, fat, lazy, ill, slow, smart} and because of that, I’m a lousy wife to her precious baby boy. And, strange as it may seem, I don’t take it very well and will sit her down and shut her up when she steps on that last nerve. Which makes some of her friends and family not look to fondly on me.

The last time I went to her house (about 1,500 miles away) my SIL watched her mother systematically attack until I was forced to defend myself. SIL took me aside later and explained that her mother is like this with all the married-ins, but because I cannot back down from a fight, she’s worse with me. I said that I was sure she was nice to others, but at 87 she shouldn’t have to be under this stress of me visiting. SIL then made me promise to come back for the funeral, whenever that may be.

I haven’t seen my MIL for 6 years, and believe me it’s better this way. I send DeHusband out there every year, and every year she thanks him for not bringing me. :stuck_out_tongue:

17

After a couple of bad experiences with SOs, I’ve learned that if the people who love me don’t like my SO, there’s a very good reason.

18

I can’t tell you because everyone seems to like my boyfriend.

However, HE could. Few of his friends actually like me. This doesn’t particularly bother either of us, because the simple solution to that is that I don’t hang out with those friends. I have my own friends, so this isn’t much of an issue. In the world of his friends (people who are pretty much all former drug users like himself), people like me AREN’T universally liked. I’ve never been addicted to drugs, I’ve only been homeless once (due to circumstance, not drug use or mental issues), and I’m generally a bitch when it comes to people in recovery because I grew up around them - and I can spot self-delusion and attention whoring a mile away, and have no problem pointing it out. So I don’t go out with him and the friends of his that dislike me. It’s that simple.

He says that it doesn’t bother him because he figures they’ll either come around or they won’t, but only a few of his friends are close enough to him that he might consider it an issue that they don’t like his significant other. And most of them all love me.

~Tasha

19

FMG, I’m really curious, and if you are willing to share, what were the other reasons?

“None of your damn business” is, however, an acceptable response. :smiley:

20

OP checking back in to say – interestingly enough, no one seems to have the (beloved) guy’s email address – we all seem to have the (not loathed, but not liked much) wife’s, instead. The guy asked me to email him some info and told me his address (which was some sort of first-name-last-name/provider deal), but I didn’t write it down, and neither of the variations I tried worked, so I had to send the info to his wife and ask her to forward it.

Wonder if it will go through.