I am a coldhearted bitch with no sympathy for the depressed

[Angel_of_the_Lord]

Originally posted by jacksen9
Angel - What good / normal / fun events comprise these relationships?

With friend number 1, pretty much nothing. We talk sometimes, is all. Friend number 2 introduced me to my boyfriend, and is going with one of his best friends. The four of us do stuff together quite often.

See, with both of these friendships…things started off basically normal. It was only after a while that they moved beyond the occasional bad day or complaint.

I’m so scared that if I do break off from friend number 2, she’ll totally freak out. I can never do it completely, just based on the dating situation, but even doing it somewhat…I know it’s an exceedingly slim chance, but what if she decides to kill herself because I yelled at her or stopped being her friend. She can find irrational reasons like that…

As to whether people can get over it…well, I’ve been depressed. I’m cyclothymic, I have mild SAD that sort-of ties into it, and once, due to a crash diet, I went full rapid-cycle manic-depressive (fun!). I think that, with the right treatments, people can at least learn or be able to function. I am not an advocate of “well, it is who I am, and I’m not going to do anything about it, 'cause that’d be wrong, and so you have to accept me for who I am.” 'Cause, well, frankly, no I don’t have to accept anyone.

There are treatments that can at the very least alleviate the symptoms. Or, at least, there’s the fact that someone is trying rather than wallowing in a mudpit of their own self-pity.

In other words, I’m a full advocate and believer in medical and psychological treatment of mental disorders. I believe they can be helped. Hell, they worked for me.

[Kirkland1244]

You don’t sound like a coldhearted person at all, Angel, just a friend who’s been leaned on a bit too much in way too short a time span. I’ve been on both sides of this situation, and I see nothing coldhearted, or wrong, in anything you say in the OP.

Kirk

[kambuckta]

*Originally posted by astro *
**

In real world terms I don’t really believe that people who attract and hold these kinds of people are simply unlucky, or just overly compassionate people who are being put upon. I have seen these relationships in action and there is often a degree of active cultivation of these relationships by the “sympathetic listener” because it feeds some ego or emotional need they have.
You are the one that needs to act. **

Absolutely. Well said astro. Angel of the lord YOU are the one who needs some help to come to an understanding about how and why you are involved in these relationships in the first place. It sounds to me like you have a big neon sign upon your forehead indicating your ‘availability’ as a shoulder to lean on. Time to turn off the light, and only you can do this. It’s not a matter of expecting your friends to change…if you really don’t want that role anymore, then you have to step back from it.

[Boyo_Jim]

Can you clarify a few things from your OP?

She’s had a few bad experiences in the realm of relationships and sex (and let me not even talk about how the number of bad experiences varies from conversation to conversation–that’s an entirely separate issue). As far as I know, none of these experiences progressed to the point of actual intercourse. She refers to them as “rape,” however, and I’m be willing to treat it as something like that

Are you saying she’s a virgin who (apparently frequently)imagines she’s been raped? Or that these bad experiences are ongoing, parallel to or part of whatever whatever relationship she has with her current SO? Does she feel her SO is raping her, or that she is recovering from past “rapes”. Is it possible she is referring to emotional rape?

Feel free not to respond to this unless you want to rant a bit about her real or imagined problems. I started this post thinking I needed more info about what to say to your friend, but upon closer reading, the details of her problems don;t metter nearly so much as the fact that she’s so emotionally needy that she’s sucked you dry.

[Angel_of_the_Lord]

She’s had bad experiences–attempted rape, basically, in one case, and fondling in another. One was by a then SO, the other by an older man. The number of occaisions switches periodically from two to three–I will not discount the possibility that there is a third time that was actually physical rape that she hasn’t told me about, but I don’t know. She consistently refers to them as rape.

I take them with a grain of salt, due to the fact that she’s also claimed that one of my best friends kissed her. He denied it when I asked (well, when I made congratulatory comments). He also turned out to be gay.

[raz]

Sorry about that cheese thing. I didn’t post that - someone apparently got on the computer while I was still logged in and posted that.

Sorry!

[irishgirl]

angel, you are right about both of them needing help.
obviously.

but you are not the one who should provide it. if you aren’t getting anything positive froma relationship, it needs to be reconsidered.

this,i think, applies more with the girl than the guy.

you are not her crutch, you are not a punchbag, you are not a sponge to soak up all of the drama.

for your own sake, walk away. and do it without guilt.

i sympathise with her situation (having had some crappy things happen to me in the past), the difference is that AS SOON AS i realised i was hurting people i loved, i got help.

i unload on a therapist every other week, and keep most of my whingeing for the boards.
when i do get upset, and offload crap onto irishfella, i feel dreadful.

if she doesn’t have the respect for you to realise that you are being hurt by her behaviour, she shouldn’t be a friend.

sorry if this appears harsh, but i’m tired and cranky, and people who don’t apprecaite their friends piss me off.