I am a horny, dangerous, satanic, teenage pothead.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Ever stop and think, “This can’t be happening, it sounds like something out of a very special episode of Good Times or something!”

Well, it just happened to me…

And so, tonight was a night of freak occurences happening all within perfect time of one another.

6:00pm (Los Angeles)

I tell my mom that I am going to leave to go hang out, watch Meet The Parents and order some pizza with my friends 3 blocks away. Last week, I made a big stink about not being aloud out 2 nights in a row, even though I made it back in time the first night. So, this week my mom is even more suspicious of what I go out to do.

What do I do, you ask?

Nothing bad or illegal, I do exactly what I tell my parents I will do. I have never done any drugs and I always tell my parents where I am going, for how long and with who. If for some reason I get held back, I call home and tell them what is happening and how long I will be late and this worked great… when Dad was still living at home. I now live solely with my paranoid mother who took my viewing of this image http://www.geocities.com/surr3nd3r3d/artworkakajunk/silenced.jpg as sign of devil worship. Being first generation is always filled with such great moments as this one.

9:50 (Los Angeles)

I call my mother and tell her that the movie is almost over and that I might be home late, but no later than 10:10 (10 minutes after the time I told her I would be home). In a voice so loud that my friends across the room can hear her over the movie, even though I was talking on a puny little cellphone she yells at me in machine gun spanish the following conversation:

Me: Mom, the movie is about to end, I might be 10 minutes late.

Mother: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WATCHING MOVIES SO LATE AT NIGHT? WHERE ARE YOU? I BET YOU ARE WATCHING PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIES! AREN’T YOU?

Me: We talked while we waited for everyone to show up and then we ate, that is why the movie did not start until after 8. Like I told you before I left, I am on 134th street, 3 blocks away from home.
[loud laughter]

Mother: WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING? IT’S BECAUSE YOU REALLY ARE WATCHING PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIES ISN’T IT?

Me: [louder laughter]
Like I said, the movie is taking longer than expected. I won’t be home later than 10:10.

Mother: NO! YOU BE HOME AT 10 OR I WILL WHOOP YOUR ASS! [click]

9:55 (Los Angeles)

The movie ends and I start to go on my way. Since I live so very close to where I was watching the movie a brisk walk would get me home before 10. I depart from my friends house and start walking home. 1 block away from my house I hear someone call for me:

Brother: AYE!

Me: B!

Brother: [runs up to me] What is all this shit I hear about you and your crew?

Me: [laughter]

Brother: This shit ain’t funny! What is this I hear about you and your crew planning to take guns to school and blow it up.

Me: I have no clue what you are talking about, I have no “crew” I merely have friends.

Brother: That’s not what I hear, I heard that your friends got suspended for saying they were gonna blow up the school.

(Background Info: My friends range from innocent freshmen to Senior drunkards, some of them getting suspended would not be a shock to me.)
9:59.59 (Heaven)

God is laughing his ass off.
10:00 (Los Angeles)

Me: Look, I have no clue what you are talking about.

Brother: Yeah right! Yury (family friend who works for the school) told me about your crew getting suspended for saying shit like that.

Me: [laughter] Look, I need to get home before 10, my mom will get mad if I don’t get back in time.

Brother: ARE YOU HIGH?!

Me: [bent over in laughter, which doesn’t help me prove that I am not high] No man.

Brother: Don’t be doing stupid shit like that!

Me: Hey, if anyone knows about getting high it’s you! Now I need to get home before 10!

Brother: Uh-huh, whatever.

10:05 (Los Angeles)

I walk in to be greeted by a sedated mother. She yells something very quickly about being late and high and watching “pornographic movies”. I shrug it off and come online to tell you all.

Tell you all about how I am a horny, dangerous teenage pothead. :rolleyes:

2

Holy shit, that’s the funniest thing I’ve read here all week. Bwahahaha!!!

3

Merc, have you considered writing for the sitcoms. You seem to have a flair for it and you are geographically favorable, being out in L.A. and all. Just a thought.

4

Merc you are one of the funniest fresh fish ever…

and damn it, Satan got banned… stop with the worship already! :wink:

5

Mercutio, You are too funny! You really a teenager? I’ve read other posts of yours & assumed you were an old fart like most here. :smiley:

6

Old fart checking in to castigate Carina42.

7

Merc… I can’t believe that your mom would think that you would EVER look at porn! I’m shocked!! :smiley:

8

For referring to some of us as Old Farts, or for using a smilie?

Aren’t you the young studly dude who hates smilies?

9

First of all the link doesn’t work. What have I told you about wasting my time? Huh?

How old are you? Are you high, cause you look high, why do you look high if you’re not high? HUH?

What are you doing out running the streets at all hours of the day and night. You can’t get in nothing but trouble hanging out on the street corner with your “homies” or your “posse” whatever you kids call each other nowadays.

Don’t even try giving my some lame-ass excuse, Just shut up and listen to me. If you even say so much as one more word so help me god, I’ll rattle your brains. What the hell is wrong with you. Huh? HUH???

ANSWER ME!!!

10

:smiley:

11

I just watched Almost Famous last night. Merc, is your mom Frances McDormand?

12

I resemble that remark. :D:D

13

My boy, you remind me a lot of my own self. Except for a few things:

You are honest, you have integrity, and you are obviously a lot smarter than me.

I hope you don’t let the bullshit get to you like it did me, because right now you are one of my brightest hopes for the future. Chin up, jaw clenched, balls hanging low but not exposed. In a mere twenty-five years or so, you’ll be eligible to run for President. I’ll vote for you, man.

14

After reading your thread’s title, I was going to counter-post:

“I am an ornery, dangerous, agnostic, thirtysomethin’ gun owner; welcome to my neighborhood!”

Having actually read your post: :confused:

This is supposed to be funny? Is there some context here I’m missing? Your own mother is acting psycho (or just way too melodramatic), and your brother thinks that you’re capable of shooting/blowing up your school, or that the crowd (or some part thereof) that you hang out with is?

And this is funny…how? I mean, it sounds like you have a slightly screwy home life, and a good sense of humor will help, but this doesn’t sound like humerous sitcom material to me, other than the overworked sitcom staple of the “Wildly Exaggerated Misunderstanding Blown Completely Out-Of-Proportion In Subsequent Versions By Crappy Actors”.

Strictly Warner Bros. material.

Like I asked previously: am I missing some crucial background stuff here, that would magically make this funny?

15

ExTank, the reason that it’s funny is that it’s not the sign of a screwed up family household; it’s actually fairly common for mothers to be paranoid. For example, the following discussions actually occured between my mom and I.

Me: Mom, I’m going over to Rob’s house.
Mom: Walt, Are you guys smoking POT over there?! Are you?(Both me and Rob are completely “straight edged”)
Me: (jokingly) Yes, mom. We light up all the time.
Mom: That’s not funny, Walt. For all I know you COULD be smoking the pot over there. You fit the profile.
Me: Thanks, mom.
Mom: Take out the garbage before you go.
Me: But mom, Rob’s gonna smoke up all the pot without me!
Mom: (5 minute rambling speech about how pot isn’t funny).

And this one:
(We are both sitting in the living room, watching tv.)
Mom: (Randomly) Walt, are you gay?
Me: What?
Mom: You know, gay. Are you?
Me: No, mom, I’m not gay.
Mom: Okay. But if you were, I’d understand.

And who can forget this gem:
(While in the car, I tell my mom that I really like a suit that I get to wear in our school’s musical)
Mom: Walt, are you SURE you’re not gay?

And this one was actually done by my Dad, but my Mom helped. It also requires a bit of background. While at Rob’s house for a (completely sober) party, someone took my shoe, hid it, and then forgot where it was. When I had to go home, I couldn’t find it. So, I called my parents.

Me: Hi, Dad.
Dad: Why aren’t you at home?
Me: Well, you’re not going to believe this, but I swear it’s true. I can’t find my shoe anywhere.
Dad: Your shoe?
Me: Yes.
Dad: I don’t give a damn about your shoe. You’re coming home, NOW.
(Scene change to me walking home, 5 blocks, with one shoe on. Neighbors gave me some weird looks on that one)

So, you see, friend ExTank, these types of occurences are not rare, and do not necessarily reflect on a broken home, so they can be funny. And Mercutio, man, I sympathize. Maybe we can go get a non-alcoholic drink sometime. If our mom’s will allow us.

16

Mercutio that was funny! But seriously, you sound like you have your head screwed on the right way, good for you. Your mom obviously dosen’t realise how lucky she is. Hee Hee I’m going to re-read this thread when my two sons are teenagers to remind myself they might not be getting up to all that porn stuff and taking drugs :smiley:
And I agree with jester she sounds like a normal worried mom looking out for her son.

17

Wow, some people are really paranoid…here’s a sample conversation between my parents and I.

Dad: So, what’re your plans for tonight?
Me: Well, I’m going to the Sweetheart Pageant with Pat and Joe, and then we’re probably going to grab something to eat and go play some pool.
Mom: Who else will be coming?
Me: Probably Elisha and Chelios (two female friends, who are rather notorious potheads).
Dad: Okay, but if you get high, don’t you dare try driving home or I’ll kick your ass.
Me: Don’t worry, Dad, I don’t smoke pot.
Mom: Please don’t drink and drive…
Me: Uh, I’m not gonna be drinking OR smoking! We’re just gonna be going to the show at school and playing some pool!
Dad: Right…anyway, what time do you think he should be home?
Mom: I don’t know, how does 2 AM sound?
Dad: Fine…but if you get wasted, it’s ok if you’re home a little later.
Me: I…am…not…getting…wasted.
Both: See you at 2 AM.

I have really tolerant parents…now if only they weren’t so annoying when I’m actually AT home.

By the way, I turn 18 today, so I’m also a horny satanic dangerous teenage pothead. :wink:

18

hehe been there done that.
The funniest was when I was 16 and came home to a 30 minute lecture from my mom about the dangers of LSD. At the time I had never dropped, and have never really considered it. Finally my mom said that she knew I had some, and she had thrown it out, and if she ever found anymore I would be kicked out of the house. Using her mom network she had found out that acid usually came on little pieces of paper with pictures. And I finally found out that she had snooped through my room, and found a couple of the crappy little tattoos(like the kind that come in crackerjack) in the bottom of my desk that had been forgotten there since I was about 7.

19

Oh, Jes. Pause. Are you SURE you’re not- kidding. :slight_smile:

Anyway…re: Mercutio, the horny dangerous satanic teenage pothead- are you sure you wouldn’t like to become my boyfriend? I’d let you construct all the satanical shrines you want, and you could satisfy my urge to take a walk on the dark side. :stuck_out_tongue:

20

My mother keeps on expecting me to morph into a binge-drinking athiest class-cutting nymphette since I’ve gotten to college. Any day now, mom.

I enjoy moments of brutal honesty. She will on occasion ask me a random extremely personal question, and I will answer in kind. “Have you smoked pot?” “Once.” “Do you drink at school?” “I’ve had some wine for a religious service and a beer.”

Needless to say, this generally puts off the brutal honesty for quite some time.

She hasn’t gotten around to asking me about sex yet.