"I'd rather see your cold dead body on the pavement" or My mother is nuts

The BBQ Pit
#1

My mother (bless her heart) is nuts. She is, what we in the family call, a morbid idiot. The glass is always half empty. Death is lurking for you at every corner. You get the idea. Now she is a good woman and she does a lot for me and my family and I love her dearly. One day I am quite certain I will wish for nothing more than to hear her ridiculous warnings when I no longer will be able to.

But, I digress. I borrowed a neighbor’s car recently because mine was being fixed as the result of an accident. I called my mom to let her know I was driving back home from somewhere and that I was going to stop, put gas in the neighbor’s car, wash it and clean it out. I called to tell her this because she calls me every night at 6:00 and if I do not answer she assumes I have been kidnapped, in an accident or Sauron has finally cracked over the tomato hatred and killed me in a fit of rage.

I tell her where I am going to be and I get The Pause. The conversation then goes something like this:

Mom: Are you taking it to that place up the street to clean it out?

Aries: Yes, mom. I shouldn’t be too long.

Mom: You know that place is kind of isolated…are you sure you should take it there?

Aries: It will be fine Mom. It’s on the main road, well lighted…no sweat. I’ll call you when I get in.

Mom: Well…if you feel you must go do it, then I guess you’ll be fine. Could Sauron not go do it for you later tonight?

Aries: Mom…I can handle it. I won’t be there very long. Honestly.

Mom: Okay…well now, Aries you know that if anybody comes up to you that you should make a big scene and not go anywhere with them.

Aries: Yes Mom. I know this. I really think you are overreacting. It will be fine.

Mom: But you know they say that rapists and murderers are less likely to take a person making a fuss. So scream and yell and wave your arms around so maybe a passing car will notice.

Aries: Okay Mom. If anybody tries to kidnap me I’ll make sure to wave my arms around and scream really loud.

Mom: And don’t let them take you off anywhere. I would rather find your cold dead body on the pavement than have to live with knowing somebody tortured you.

Aries: All-righty Mom. I’ll call you when I get home.

I know she worries and I know she only does it because she cares but Geez…

She has a morbid death story to relate to anything I tell her I am doing.

Going horseback riding this weekend? You know you could fall off and break your neck or back doing that and be paralyzed for the rest of your life? Then who would take care of the kids?

Going to the beach? I read somewhere that the number of drownings this year has doubled. Be sure to keep an eye on the kids and not let them go out above their knees. And sharks…watch out for sharks. And jellyfish…those fuckers can sting like crazy. And don’t eat seafood that has been undercooked…you’ll get food poisoning.

Working out in the back yard? Be sure to spray yourself down with bug spray and don’t let the kids stay out too long. West Nile Virus don’t you know…

She really is a great lady but if she starts this junk on my kids, making them terrified of everything then I’m going to have to run with scissors the next time I see her.

#2

Mom? Did you not tell me about my OTHER sister, Aries? Oh, wait, can’t me my mom as she’s in California. I wouldn’t say she was a “morbid idiot” or “crazy”, just a touch paranoid about her child.

Are you by any chance Jewish or Italian?

Just curious…

Sam

#3

Boy, who hasn’t heard their mother state that?

#4

Don’t take candy from strangers.

If you do get kidnapped and put into the trunk try to pull the wires off the tail lights so they get pulled over. :wink:

#5

Worse…Southern. :wink:

#6

Okay…so I added the profanity…my mother’s head would explode if she said “fuck”

#7

You know, there’s a potential bumper sticker in this.

Have to be on a full-size car, though.

#8

If this were my mother, I’d be messing with her.

“Actually, Mom, they take who they take. People making a fuss are more likely to have their tongues cut out. In fact there’s supposedly a sex criminal in that neighborhood who used to do exactly that. There was a flyer in my mailbox or something. I don’t know, I didn’t look that closely. I guess he was recently paroled. Oh, hang on, there’s somebody at the door.” –extremely long pause–

:smiley:

Seriously, I don’t know how you resist. I know parents are supposed to worry, but this is just a bit silly.

#9

Ugh, I know of which you speak. Every time my brother or I start seeing someone, she immediately begins to worry. In my case, she worries about me being slapped around. I can understand that she doesn’t want anyone hurting her baby, but not EVRERYONE wants to smack me! For my brother, it’s worse. If she catched wind of the first date, she immediately begins to fret because she’ll never get to the baby, her grandchild. He has no such child, but she’s always convinced that he’ll knock up some girl, she’ll turn out to be a psycho hosebeast from hell and leave, not allowing my brother (or mother) to see the spawn. Again, it sure would be awful, but let them kiss first before you take her to court for grandparental rights. Sheesh!

You must check this out: http://discover.npr.org/features/feature.jhtml?wfId=1268160

This woman’s mother is the worst. She’s collected messages left by her mother over the years and it’s not to be believed (and yet I do). In one instance, her mom is worried that she lives in such a high building. She suggests her daughter purchase a parachute in case she should ever, God forbid, have to get out in a hurry.

#10

Yup. Your mom must be my auntie because it runs in the family. Once I was feeling a little tired so I decided to go for a short ride on my bicycle (y’know, get the blood pumping, good aerobic activity). My mom was horrifed that I’d go out riding my bicycle when I was feeling a bit sleepy, because:

“You might fall asleep while riding and fall off!”

This is the same person who was convinced I’d be kidnapped/mugged driving to the mall:

“Keep the doors locked the whole way. Park near as you can to the entrance… And don’t take your wallet!”

… :confused:

Would have made it that much more difficult to make purchases… I’m guessing my wallet would have made me a target of theft… not quite sure what the hell that was about.

#11

Wow. Some bummer moms here, huh?

My mom can get in a “downer” mood quite often. Usually it isn’t delusions of death or dismemberment, but she can be the biggest wet blanket ever when she wants to. Sometimes she does it deliberately, I swear.

Whenever she bitches too much about some movie I plan on seeing (saying it is “a waste of time” or “morally bankrupt” or whatever), I start chanting (well, more like yelling), “The nuns lied to the Nazis! THE NUNS LIED TO THE NAZIS!!!”

This alludes to the time when I was a teenager, and was watching “The Sound of Music” on TV with my dad. My mom, in one of “let’s-be-a-bummer-and-suck-the-joy-out-of-the-room” moods (she gets these often) started bitching to my dad and me about freakin’ “The Sound of Music”!!! She was having a tough time finding something “morally objectionable” about the movie, but when she saw that the nuns lied to the Nazis who were looking for the hiding VonTrapp family, she had her opportunity. She started clucking her tongue and saying, “The nuns lied. That’s a sin to lie. This movie is saying it’s OK to lie.”

That led to much eye-rolling from the rest of us and I decided she should not be allowed to ever live that one down. So, whenver she starts with her “let’s suck the enjoyment out of everyone else’s day” bit, I just chant, “THE NUNS LIED TO THE NAZIS!!” and remind her of the absurd lengths she’ll go to be a bummer.

#12

Oh, well my Jewish Grandmother is like that, but my mom isn’t quite that bad.

My mom’s worst habit used to be this-when she heard sirens, she’d call both my brother and I to make sure it wasn’t us. If she heard about a wreck(insert fire/escaped criminal/killer flu bug, Etc) on the freeway and knew we’d be travelling it that day, she’d do the same thing, to which my reply would be, “it’s not me in the wreck but if you keep fucking calling me on my cellphone it WILL BE”!

She’s mostly been broken of these nasty annoying Jewish mother habits now, but it’s taken years.

Sam

#13

Oh my GOD. At least it makes for a good story! (Note to self–Nazis, ok. Lying, even to Nazis, not ok.)

Thanks for this post, everyone. I just had a snappish exchange with my mom. She’s very easily startled–I kind of am, too, but she’s ridiculously so. I will stomp down the stairs deliberately so she will hear me coming. I will walk as loudly as possible. I will hit my ring along the wall. I will take the most startle-proof route. She is STILL startled. Not technically her fault, but it gets very annoying when you’ve just made every reasonable effort not to startle someone and they still act as though you are Beastor from the planet Scary As Fuck every time you go down to get a glass of milk. Thankfully, I move back to school soon.

Moms just have the fear in them. Which is another good reason why I don’t plan to become one!

#14

yosemitebabe, may I have this for a sig? “The nuns lied to the Nazis! THE NUNS LIED TO THE NAZIS!!!”

:smiley:

Seriously, though, Aries, your mom calls you every day to make sure you’re still alive? Has she ever had counseling? THAT is a little obsessive.

#15

:smiley: I liked that!

#16

Aries, I swear - somehow my mother ended up in Alabama and you think she’s yours. Feel free to keep her.

Seriously, my mother does all of this, too. I ride horses. I have fallen off four times in my life (which isn’t a bad ratio, actually), have been seriously hurt once (concussion and broken ribs), and half-seriously hurt once (as in lingering nerve damage in my leg). The other two times - I fell off and I got back on. No big deal, right? Wrong. Every time my mother hears that I’m riding again : “You need to quit. You’re going to fall again and you’re going to get hurt. I don’t want to get another call from another hospital telling me you fell off a horse! (she’s gotten this call one time in her life). I mean it, horses are NOT meant to be ridden!” (???) No matter how many times I explain to her that I have friends who have fallen dozens of times in their riding careers, and they’re still here, and that falling off is simply a part of riding, she refuses to believe it. So I ride anyway and ignore her.

She makes me call her on ANY trip I take - even if it’s two hours north to have lunch with my best friend. If I don’t call her at least three times on my jaunts to stay with my boyfriend in Ohio on certain weekends, she will call me and she gets nervous if I don’t answer - “Where were you? I thought some maniac had grabbed you at a rest area and left you lying in the bathroom!”.

When I lived in NYC, I took the subway everywhere. She would volunteer to send me money every month so that if I was out past 10 PM (10 PM!!!), I could take a cab back to Brooklyn. I declined and simply neglected to tell her about all of the times I took the subway home at 1:30 AM after working for an internet company in Herald Square or took it home drunk at 3 AM after an evening of clubbing. She doesn’t need to know.

I’m absolutely convinced that my mother is 75% responsible for my generalized anxiety disorder. On the whole, she’s a good mom. But even my boyfriend laughs his ass off at me when he hears “I’m sorry. I forgot.” come out of my mouth when she calls me to freak out about why I forgot to call her when I arrived at his apartment. She also has a knack of calling right when we’re getting down and dirty. She’s a mother. Mothers know these things.

Ava

#17

I can’t help but LMAO!!!

Seriously though, we should make all of our moms go to thearapy. They have been watching to much Opra and shit that has warped there precious minds. Yes there are fucked up things going on everyday in the world but they seem to take it a little far.

Jackmannii

That had me rollin out of my chair…:smiley:

#18

This would be an awesome stage name.

#19

My mom’s not nearly as bad as most of yours, but she used to have a bizarre obsession with fat sewer workers. Everytime I’d leave the house, she’s warn me about them.

Me: I’m going out, mom. See you later.
Mom: Watch out for fat sewer workers!
Me: You’re insane, mom.
Mom: Well, just be careful.

#20

Thanks, Ferris. Another Doper slain by my rapier wit! :smiley:

DnDHellspawn, definitely. Oprah is the devil–but is you want to talk evil, talk DR. PHIL. That man is a demon sent from hell to inhabit my mother’s TV.