My mother (bless her heart) is nuts. She is, what we in the family call, a morbid idiot. The glass is always half empty. Death is lurking for you at every corner. You get the idea. Now she is a good woman and she does a lot for me and my family and I love her dearly. One day I am quite certain I will wish for nothing more than to hear her ridiculous warnings when I no longer will be able to.
But, I digress. I borrowed a neighbor’s car recently because mine was being fixed as the result of an accident. I called my mom to let her know I was driving back home from somewhere and that I was going to stop, put gas in the neighbor’s car, wash it and clean it out. I called to tell her this because she calls me every night at 6:00 and if I do not answer she assumes I have been kidnapped, in an accident or Sauron has finally cracked over the tomato hatred and killed me in a fit of rage.
I tell her where I am going to be and I get The Pause. The conversation then goes something like this:
Mom: Are you taking it to that place up the street to clean it out?
Aries: Yes, mom. I shouldn’t be too long.
Mom: You know that place is kind of isolated…are you sure you should take it there?
Aries: It will be fine Mom. It’s on the main road, well lighted…no sweat. I’ll call you when I get in.
Mom: Well…if you feel you must go do it, then I guess you’ll be fine. Could Sauron not go do it for you later tonight?
Aries: Mom…I can handle it. I won’t be there very long. Honestly.
Mom: Okay…well now, Aries you know that if anybody comes up to you that you should make a big scene and not go anywhere with them.
Aries: Yes Mom. I know this. I really think you are overreacting. It will be fine.
Mom: But you know they say that rapists and murderers are less likely to take a person making a fuss. So scream and yell and wave your arms around so maybe a passing car will notice.
Aries: Okay Mom. If anybody tries to kidnap me I’ll make sure to wave my arms around and scream really loud.
Mom: And don’t let them take you off anywhere. I would rather find your cold dead body on the pavement than have to live with knowing somebody tortured you.
Aries: All-righty Mom. I’ll call you when I get home.
I know she worries and I know she only does it because she cares but Geez…
She has a morbid death story to relate to anything I tell her I am doing.
Going horseback riding this weekend? You know you could fall off and break your neck or back doing that and be paralyzed for the rest of your life? Then who would take care of the kids?
Going to the beach? I read somewhere that the number of drownings this year has doubled. Be sure to keep an eye on the kids and not let them go out above their knees. And sharks…watch out for sharks. And jellyfish…those fuckers can sting like crazy. And don’t eat seafood that has been undercooked…you’ll get food poisoning.
Working out in the back yard? Be sure to spray yourself down with bug spray and don’t let the kids stay out too long. West Nile Virus don’t you know…
She really is a great lady but if she starts this junk on my kids, making them terrified of everything then I’m going to have to run with scissors the next time I see her.