"I'd rather see your cold dead body on the pavement" or My mother is nuts

The BBQ Pit
21

Ah yes. Life as just a series of dire perils, one more unlikely than the next.

From my mom’s Hit Parade:

Me: Well, I’m going to (a movie, the library, whatever…)
Mom: WHAAAT? Don’t you know it’s…raining?!
Me:: Huh?
Mom: Someone will hit you! They’ll skid right into you and the next thing will be a policeman standing at the door, telling me you’re dead.
Me: Mom, I’m a defensive driver! It’ll be okay.
Mom: I don’t care how defensive you are! People drive like idiots, and it’s worse when it rains. They can’t even see you, and even if they could they wouldn’t slow down.
Me: Mom, it’s just raining, f’r Pete’s sake. It’s not a tornado or invasion. I’ll be fine.
Mom: I can’t tell you anything. Your tires probably aren’t even inflated properly.
Me: My tires are FINE!
Mom: When did you have your brakes checked? Are the pads worn?
Me: AARRUGH! ::pulls out service record for car::
Mom: So you think everybody on the road has good brakes, or will even try to slow down before they hit you?
–>Mom pictures flaming movie wrecks; I picture a routine drive to wherever<–

Mom: We need some things from the grocery.
Me: Sure, where’s the shopping list?
Mom: But don’t park next to a van. Or a truck or SUV.
Me: Huh?
Mom: Park way out far, but never next to something you can’t see through. And walk down the middle of the lane. Watch out for traffic, but don’t get near any cars.
Me: HUH?
Mom: Didn’t you hear about that woman who parked right next to a van? She opened her door and she got grabbed, dragged right into the van. She didn’t even have time to scream. It’s been two weeks and they haven’t found her body yet.
Me: ::croggles speechlessly::
Mom: Don’t forget to buy milk. And does that key chain siren I bought you have fresh batteries?

Know what’s really scary? This was from a woman who blithely travelled all over the globe. Get her out of her familiar context and risks fell into place, but on her home ground–contrary to all experience–everything was a worst-case scenario waiting to happen. Loving, okay, but totally bat shit gonzo.

It mostly taught me that parents never stop being people.

Veb

22

Feel free! It is a rather peculiar line, isn’t it?

Man–some of you have moms that are even weirder than mine! I didn’t think that was possible!

23

Every night I make a wish that I am not this kind of mom to my kids.

My mother fell and broke her leg. She was terrified to tell me because she was certain that I would miscarry my baby over the news. I laughed at her for both breaking her leg and being absurd.

When I was 11 I got my first period. She wanted to rush me to the ER because it was obvious I was hemmoraging to death. Thank god my grandmother and I kept her from doing so.

I’d be touched in a ‘well at least she cares’ sort of way if she didn’t overlook some major impediments to my health and well being while I was growing up.

24

Well, at least you know that if you ever really need to get your inheritance early you just need to send her a jack-in-the-box.

25

Thank you!

Seriously, MY mom always worries about what I wear and how I act in public.

Mom: Are you wearing a bra with that top? You should, you’re a little well-endowed.

Me: D’uh, Mother.

Mom: Well, watch how you sit. Oh, and use manners. Don’t eat like a pig.

Me: MOM! When have I ever?

Mom: Well, just be sure and say thank you.
Gah! You know, next time she says this, I’m going to ask her if she feels her parenting skills were subpar. You know, “Mom, really, do you feel that you didn’t do a good enough job raising me?”

26

Pfft. Pfft, I say.
My Jewish Grandmother had a million reasons why we couldn’t do anything even vaguely fun - after all, she knew somebody (no names were given and as a devious child, I did request one) that got injured/mutilated/killed doing the very same thing.

My personal favorite was when I was four. My sister and I were sitting on the driveway playing jacks. Her Possible Injury senses a flutter, she ran out to tell us that we “shouldn’t sit on pavement because a friend of mine got hemorrhoids doing that!”

I was the only kid in preschool worried about the state of my anus - thanks Nana!

27

Yeesh. I married your moms. And her mom is your moms.

My mother-in-law is a sweet woman, and I love her dearly, but she is absolutely paranoid, particularly about our apartment getting broken into. When we were looking for a place out in the suburbs a few years back, we had the following conversation about one apartment:

MIL: This place isn’t safe, there aren’t enough locks.
Me: The front door has two key locks and a chain.
MIL: Yes, but there’s only one on the back door.
Me: That’s the balcony.
MIL: Yes, but someone could climb up.
Me: We’re on the fifth floor.
MIL: Well, they could get up on the roof and climb down here (I swear to god she actually said this. The building was seven floors)
Me: Mom, if they’re going through that much trouble to single us out, then they’re not robbers, they’re ninjas, in which case it won’t make any different how many fucking locks there are!

We took the apartment.

My wife’s big fear, on the other hand, is illness. Almost every activity imaginable will lead to horrific injury, amputation, cancer and death.

Her: I feel a lump.
Me: Where?
Her: Here. Is it cancer?
Me: No, that’s your elbow.

Everything under the sun, every spot, speck, bruise, bump, scrape, fever and chill was a sure sign of cancer. And every time I had to talk her down off the ceiling and tell her that everything was all right.

So then what’d I have to go and do? Got cancer. Now she’s convinced that everything I do is going to cause it to come back. I can’t go back to my weekend acting job because it will cause cancer. Right around the time I first went to the doctor to get my knee (where the tumor was) checked out, I also started going to gym and eating more fruits and vegetables. Ergo: exercise, fruits and vegetables cause cancer and she wants me to cut them out immediately. I’m quietly ignoring this.

28

This is me!

I don’t know why, I HATE it…if it irritates anyone in the world, it’s me! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been startled just in this way. I hear very well, when people sneak up on me unintentionally, I can’t really figure out how it happened, but I always get startled. ~frowns~

I could tell y’all about my mom, unfortunately, not much of it is actually funny…

29

Fire! I say fire. My mother’s warnings are always about fire.

Two weeks worth of newspapers bundled for recycling on my enclosed porch.
“You shouldn’t keep your papers like that they could burst into flames and burn your house down.”

Leaving a night light on at night so I don’t step on the cats.
“You shouldn’t ever leave a light on when your sleeping. It will short, start a fire and burn your house down”

I tell her I’m drying some clothes.
“You should go check your dryer right now. It could catch on fire and burn your house down.”

I go outside to move the sprinkler while I have potatoes baking in the oven.
“You shouldn’t go outside while your oven is turned on. It could catch on fire and burn your house down.”

Getting into my car she notices two burger king wrappers on the floor.
“You shouldn’t leave garbage in your car. The sun shining through the window could start it on fire and burn your car down.”

And my personal favorite:
I tell her we will be going out on the lake with some friends in their boat.
“You shouldn’t go out on the lake. The sun shining on the boat could catch the boat on fire and burn it down. You’d be trapped.” (Except for life jackets, emergency life raft, several million gallons of water and 750 other boats on the water)

My mother has never been in a fire. She has never even seen a house fire. But she continually asks me if I have enough fire insurance on my house. Then she sighs and says “Not that it will do you much good after you’ve burned up.”

30

Okay…so maybe MY mother isn’t quite as nuts as some of yours. :wink:

Your stories made me laugh at least.

I did forget to include my mother’s favorite guilt line…

“One day, Aries, you’ll be standing over my coffin and you’ll regret treating me so poorly and not appreciating me while I was here…you’ll wish somebody was here to tell you these important life warnings…”

And you know what? She’s probably right.

31

Tomato hatred???

32

Aries, your Mom kind of sounds like she has some emotional issues. Maybe you should get her some help or find out why she acts like that. It’s not just weird, it’s indicative that she’s in some pain.

I didn’t laugh at all at the OP, I thought it was sad. She sounds very lonely or scared in some way.

33

She does have some insecurity issues but she is “normal” as far as moms go.

I think a lot of it has to do lately with my dad being out of town during the week on a new contract.

She is by herself a lot so I am making it a point to go by there during the week or invite her over for dinner once a week. And we usually go shopping together at least once or twice a month.

34

Sauron did a thread a while back about tomatoes being the Devil’s hellspawn and how much he hates them. It was kinda funny and it has become a running joke in our family.

35

Aww, man, don’t be a mater-hater.

Ava

36

Nope. You’ll be wishing she was there to talk with you or listen to you or just do things together, instead of chattering away with horrible morbid warnings for things that probably won’t ever happen and can even disturb you when she says them.

My best guess is that she has some terrible fear that something will happen to you and if she didn’t advise you on how to avoid it, she’ll feel horribly guilty the rest of her life. Either that, or she feels like she still needs to parent you and/or is struggling to find ways to “connect” with you as an adult. She fills the void with babbled advice about horrible things, because she’s trying to be a good mother yet and trying to show she loves you. The only problem is, the 6 pm-or-else phone calls and the morbid talk about ways you could die/be raped/tortured/etc. are - consciously or not - ways of trying to make you dependent on her. You have a curfew from your mom, and you’re a married woman.

What might help is telling her that you know she loves you and is just trying to help, but that she did a good job raising you and you’re an adult now. Then try skipping the 6 pm phone calls at least now and then - be out. If she calls the cops, so what. Call her back at your own pace.

I know, easier said than done. I have my own issues with my inlaws that I struggle to deal with. Among other things, they put demands on our time that can get annoying. Meanwhile, my mom and I can go weeks without talking to each other, just because we don’t have anything new to say and don’t see the point in running up long distance bills or talking about nothing new, and this utterly floors my inlaws if they hear about it. They cannot conceive of it.

But if any of that hits home at all, you might want to think about pushing the boundaries of that 6 pm curfew with her.

37

“Kinda funny”? “Kinda funny”?! It was hilarious! It was humor incarnate! It was “kinda” funny like the ocean is “kinda” wet!

You’ll pay for that. I’m gonna print out the OP and show it to your mother. I’ll tell her you’re using that newfangled Internet thing, and that you’re bound to attract stalkers that way. That’ll teach you.

[sub]Kinda funny. Hmph.[/sub]

38

You are probably right.

Here’s another thing that makes no sense…I have a younger sister who goes weeks without talking to my mother and it doesn’t seem to bother my mother that much. At least, she doesn’t call her on a daily basis.

I have discussed this with my sister and she says it is because I have children and she does not and my mother connects with me on that level.

I have gotten better about just not answering the phone when it rings and letting the machine pick it up until I am ready to call her back. Or sometimes, I will sink to asking my son to call his grandmother and just tell her everybody is fine and that Mommy is too busy to talk right now. That seems to work most of the time too and he likes to call her and chat.

She really is a great lady and a good mom…she just drives me insane on a regular basis. :wink:

39

Hmm. Did I tell anyone the story about how my mother paid an unexpected visit to my flat while I was out? And how she convinced herself that I wasn’t answering the door to her because I was dead? And how she convinced the police, on the basis of this, to drill my locks out and break in to recover my corpse for burial? I did? Fine. Just checking.

40

A mater hater.

Hee!