I am an evil mommy.
Usually, my two kids think I’m a hoot-and-a-half…and wierd…and the “cool mom”. Sometimes though,
I step over the line, way over the line. I have come to realize that these are the stories that will be told to their
children and their childrens children…and so on. My username starts to make sense to people after they get
to know me, much to my sister and brothers annoyance (and absolute “bestest aunt in the world” status that
has been bestowed upon me by various nieces and nephews).
My children are teenagers now, my daughter just turned 16, my son will be 14 in one month. The daughter is
big on being “odd” at school, and she LOVES to go to her grandparents house (my ex’s folks) and be wierd
“just like her mom”, just to annoy them ( which it does).
My “best” over the line time with her took place at WalMart. I was in a goofy mood, and I jumped on the cart
and loudly ordered her to “Push meeeeee!!”, which she REFUSED TO DO!! She turned bright red, looked around
to see if anyone had witnessed this ( they had) and turned back to glare at me. In order for you guys to
understand how this must have looked to the four witnesses who were watching us, I should explain that I am
a 44 yo woman (who looks it), and 5’2". I look pretty normal to most people. The dimple in my cheek and the
gleam in my eyes are the only clues that I am in “one of those moods”, and by the time my kids realize that
they are the target, its usually too late.
So…there we are, in the middle of the aisle, her refusing to push me, me refusing to walk. In order to get
away from the stares of the people, she finally started pulling the front of the cart to the checkouts. As we
walked out the door, once again, I jumped on the cart and hollered “Push Me!!” She ignored me and kept
walking. I yelled “It’s gonna take me a loooooong time to get to the car this way!!” She turned around and gave
me her best “look of death”, and stood there. As people are streaming in and out of the doors, I’m standing on
the footrails of a cart, refusing to budge, and yelling at my daughter, who is 20 feet away, totally embarrassed,
arms crossed, wishing she could become invisible, and refusing to budge.
So, I upped the ante. I hollered “If you don’t come here and push your mommy RIGHT NOW, I am going to
start singing show tunes really really loud, RIGHT HERE IN THIS PARKING LOT !!!~!!!” Knowing that I am
not a good singer, my daughter stands her ground, foolishly thinking that I CARE what these folks think of
me making a complete idiot of myself in public.
Big mistake…HUGE even…I gave the cart a push, hopped on, and at the top of my lungs
warbled “THE SUNNNEL COMEUP TOMARROW…BETCHER BOTTOM DOLLAR THAT TOMARROW,
COME WHAT MAY…” , as I rolled slowly across the parking lot. By the time I got to the finale, I was
down on one knee, and had my arms stretched out to the heavens, in the middle of the road, stopping traffic.
Seeing as she knew she couldn’t win, and she couldn’t drive, and she was too lazy to walk home, she came
back and pushed me to the car, while I yelled “WEEEEEEEE !!!” the whole way.
Today was my sons turn…as I said, he is 14 years old, and was often my partner in crime in my pranks.
He lives with his dad in Idaho now, and was over visiting for the two week Christmas break.
I went grocery shopping , and both kids decided to tag along. After they talked me into some treats, and
grew bored, they started in bugging each other (their favorite pastime nowadays) Oh boy…here it is
Sunday morning, I’m only half awake, and grumpy…this is the last day of Christmas break, and I am
sooooooooo ready for them to go back to school. I warned them several times to settle down, grew
distracted, and grumpier…so it took forever to finish shopping By the time I was done, I was done
in, and had had just about all the “cute” antics from my darling babies I could stomach. My daughter must
have recognised the look in my eye…sadly, my son didn’t. While she wisely knocked it off and
settled down, son ignored the warning signs, and kept up the antics through the checkout lines.
I had had it. I turned to my son and loudly asked " Honey, do I need to put you down for a nap after I
BREASTFEED you again???" Priceless. His mouth dropped open, his face turned beet red, and the look
he gave me!!! He started laughing while trying to look indignant, so I knew he was impressed with my skill,
and hoped to someday fill my shoes.
Now I have two new weapons (aside from the 'naked baby photos") If my daughter gets out of line, all I have to
do is mention “Showtunes”, and she settles down quickly.
I don’t even have to utter a word to keep my son in line…I just raise my eyebrows, and cup my breast.
