Well, that was no picnic. But, I did find that once I got talking to the first person today, it got easier. Still have the restless legs (which I can not express enough how maddening it is). The other big problem is that I can’t help but feel like something’s missing. I feel incomplete. I guess it stands to reason that I would feel that way but it’s deeply saddening and troubling.
August, you bring up a good question and one I’ve been agonizing about for days. Fact is, I can’t blame anyone for this. Most of my group are products of the same environment. Most struggle with their own addictions. Like many, I’m sure, I spent my teens and 20s in various stages if fucked up. Alchohol, weed, ecstasy, LSD. Always before, I’d get lit at a party or the back of a bar until last call and then head home and get ready for the next day. Nothing, not even coke, managed to take hold the way these opiates have. And I’m assuming, I’m not the only one. I think I’m just the first soldier to fall. It’s tough realizing you’re no longer the hard drinking party boy…but you’re an aging addict who’s barely developed the skills to cope with his own mess.
Anyway, I think this thread is helping. I’m going to keep posting. Don’t feel that anyone needs to actually respond, buts it’s been nice to get some support from a community that I’ve become very find of for a very long time. Thanks everybody.
I was married to an addict for over 15 years and I can say from my front row seat that the lack of sleep is what causes a major number of relapses. You would benefit from finding healthy ways to get some sleep. Exercise works well since it also helps to calm the racing thoughts.
Thanks xizor. I’m going to attempt a few sit ups and push-ups before bed tonight. I think a long walk might help with the legs too. I’ll let you know how it works out.
I’m reminded of a conversation I had with a co-worker when he was remodeling his house for two hours every morning before work…he wanted to have it nice and ready before his wife gave birth. I asked how he juggled everything going on. His answer? “You just do it. Whatever it takes.”
If I had seen this thread yesterday, when you asked how you were going to deal with seeing people…my answer would have been to take a deep breath, and then just do it.
Stay strong, and tell us about day 7.
I did a few push-ups. I did a few sit-ups. I’m clearly out of shape. The walk helped with the legs, for now. I had a long talk with my wife tonight. It wasn’t a cake walk. She clearly feels betrayed. (As she has every right to be.) It’s tough, hearing how miserable I’ve made her over the past year. I have much to make up for. We talked about getting counseling together. I’m sure that it will be intensely uncomfortable, but it’s necessary.I’m lucky. I know that now. I’m thankful, though at moments, I don’t feel I deserve it. I’ll continue to check in. Thanks for listening.
Day 7. I guess this means I’m a week clean. Seems an insignificant milestone on the face of it, but I never thought I’d get this far. Feel like crap today. Headaches are back and I’m having trouble focusing on things. I made an appointment next week with my family doctor to see what if any risk I’ve been putting myself through by going cold turkey on my own. It’s worrisome, because he’s been my doctor my whole life. I guess this will just be one of the many people I’ll have to come clean to. I haven’t even told my mother. I don’t honestly know if I can. Thankfully, my father has long passed. It sickens me to imagine what he’d think.
Made a therapist appointment. I’m a little more positive about that idea. Sharing with a stranger who has no personal stake in your life seems less frightening. (I suppose that’s the point,huh?)
Well, in spite of my little milestone, I think I’ll spend the day in bed. Thanks for listening and be good to each other.
I wish you good luck - remember to take it a day at a time.
When my parents both died within a month, I was grief-stricken. A counsellor helped me a lot.
Take all the help you can get. The rewards for success are great.
I feel for you… I had to do the same thing a couple of months ago (although I didn’t take a lot every day, I took them every day for years). The restless arms/legs and racing mind and empty hole feeling were enough to make me think it was the end. Each day is getting slightly better. I see a therapist, take antidepressants, and try to remember it’s one day at a time.
Please don’t be afraid to reach out and get help, it’s good that you’re seeing your doctor. Be honest, and be firm. You don’t have to suffer. I have yet to attend any NA meetings, although I hear they are VERY helpful.
There’s a 12-step saying that is abbreviated HALT: Never let yourself get too Hungry, too Angry, too Lonely or too Tired. If you’re having a difficult time, check yourself to see if any of these is the problem, and if there is something you can do to alleviate the issue (eat, calm yourself down, talk to someone, sleep, etc.)
There are a bunch of threads here with people going through a similar journey. 7 days grows into 8, 9, two weeks, and so forth. They’ve done it, and have lived to tell the story. You can too.
I got help when it was obvious that I was the last person left in the world who believed my lies.
5 days is awesome. There is a saying in recovery, “do the next right thing.” No matter how many terrible things you’ve done, its no excuse for not doing the next right thing.
It won’t be easy, but it won’t be as physically punishing as those first few days.
Good luck on your struggles with this.
You can get thru this. It’ll be hard at first, but it will get easier, as time goes by.
I can relate, after having an anterior cervical fusion, due to a ruptured disc, I was prescribed 100 Vicodins and 100 Somas every 30 days. :eek:
For the first 6 years I didn’t even have to pay for them, just signed my name. (Workmen’s Comp. paid.) I paid for them out of my pocket for the next 3 years. I was fortunate in that I had already overcome that particular addiction on my own, when the Dr. stopped approving my refills. (I was only supposed to get refills for 6-8 months after the surgery.)
Just a suggestion, but you might try Melatonin to help deal with the sleep issues. (You should first seek the advice of your Dr., before trying this.)
I’m so pleased to hear you’ve made appointments with your doctor and a therapist. You are treating this with the seriousness it deserves and I applaud that.
And to be honest, I don’t think you have to tell everyone (including your mother) about this. It’s your business and it’s up to you to decide who to tell. Maybe it’s something you’ll share with your mother once you are further on in your recovery. That’s okay.
First, I’m overwhelmed by the reactions. I started this thread not caring at all if anyone responded. I just wanted to get it out. I’m touched that so many of you have been so honest and heartfelt about your responses. Thank you all, in ways that I’m not sure I can truly relate. Thank you.
Today sucked. It sucked not for the reasons I thought it would. I woke up positive. I truly thought today was the beginning of the rest of my life. For no real reason I can figure out, it devolved into a self-pity nightmare. I know I’ll be prone to some drastic mood swings, but this caught me off-guard. I’m thankful for the half day if mental and emotional peace though. I’m hoping for a full day soon.
I’m reminded (loosely speaking) of the first time I went diving in the Seattle area. I didn’t have much experience, but I was visiting the area, and I wanted to check out the dive scene. 54 degrees F water. Almost no visibility. We stayed in the water for about 20 minutes and gave up. I told my dive buddy how much it sucked, that I couldn’t see anything, I was freezing, etc. His response: You survived this. At least now you know you can do it.
While your situation is obviously different, I think the moral still holds. You got through today. (Not to mention the last week!) It’s one more block that you can build on.
See a doctor. My wife had the same problem–She was on vicodin for about 3 years. She had spinal surgery for headaches and they gave it to her. headaches never got better so they kept refilling the vicodin–her bottles were about the size of beer cans. It took an RN (after 4 separate doctors in three specialties) to say, oh, vicodin causes rebound headaches we need to wean you off.
They weaned her off in half pill increments over a couple of months. They gave her very low dose valium to help the weaning process. The BIGGEST issue was the depression. It would just hit. We supported her, and last week she completely weaned off. The valium was such a low dose that she was just told to stop. She still has headaches (which are much milder than when she was on vicodin), but she is back to being my wonderful, funny wife again.
Don’t give up and don’t be afraid to ask for support.
