I’d like to state from the outset, that this is not a post fishing for compliments. I’m not looking for an at-a-boy and I’m not in some way searching for validation for my decision.
I’ve recently had a crisis. I’ve been a solidly addicted opiate user for over a year now. It’s the usual story, I got some vicodan for a tooth infection and it spiraled out of control. The sad part is I saw myself becoming an after-school special. I lied to those most important to me and I compromised every good and decent thing in my life in the process. Truthfully, the only reason I’m even clean for 5 days is because the truth finally came out to my wife. It took almost losing her to realize how far I’ve spun out of control. So, I stayed home. I locked myself in my room. I puked and shit and sweated and cried and banged my head against the wall. I contimplated jumping out a window for a split second. And I’m only 5 days in. The real scary part is going back out there. Is seeing the people I see on a regular basis. Looking people in the eyes. Knowing that most of the people I’m close to to will know what I’m going through. Even scarier is knowing that I’ll have to live with the fact that those people, especially my wife, will have trouble trusting me in the future, if at all. I’m going to start seeing a therapist. I know now that I clear;y need it.
I don’t know why I’m sharing this…I guess the simple act of writing this out might be a therapy all on it’s own. I don’t expect anyone to respond, and frankly, I’m not sure any of this was such a hot idea, but I’m a little freaked…a lot fragmented and I just wanted an outlet. I’ve been a lurker and sometime participant on this board since at least 1999 and this place feels like home. so, with much trepidation and the knowledge that the internet is a cruel place, I decided to share.
It’s scary, but it’s important. One of the enormous burdens of addiction is the secrecy and lying. It feels scary to be honest, but you might be surprised at how much better you feel when the burden is lifted. Don’t assume that you will be met only with judgment and mistrust. People can be very forgiving. I think seeking therapy is an excellent idea. I’m also wishing you strength.
5 days seems so insignificant. But I’m just happy I’m out of bed. As for facing the world, that’s my biggest fear. I can face a group of anonymous people on a web site, but tomorrow I have to leave the house. I’m not sure how to look anyone in the eye. It shouldn’t be about that, it should be about my recovery, but I’ve spent a lifetime being a certain person, a gregarious guy, the guy who gets the party going. I don’t know who the fuck I’m supposed to be anymore. It sounds so stupid to write it out, but I’m not sure who the hell I even am anymore. Intellectually, I know I’ll work that out, but I don’t think I’ve ever been myself since high school. I’ve been fucked up in one form or another since then. What if I’m not interesting? What if I’m not worth knowing? What if those I’m close to see me for the blank slate that I really am? Why the fuck am I asking the wind all these things? Fuck me.
Take it easy on yourself, you’ll sort these things out in time. Right now you probably need to concentrate on recovering physically. Congratulations on making it this far. I wish you well.
In my case, I lied about money. I would pretend I didn’t know why I didn’t have any cash. I would be fucked up and obnoxious and would get questions like" What are you on?" And I would say I’m ok. When I was dry and didn’t have pills, I would be awful and have to lie and say I was under the weather. I would lie to my wife when she wanted to be intimate, because the pills would make it impossible to be with her. It got to the point where I could lie with ease and not think twice. Now I have to see her, knowing that she knows, and I have to live with that. It’s not so easy. And I don’t even know if this instant of sobriety is even permanent.
How did you score your fixes? Were you addicted at the normal therapeutic amounts that your doctor prescribed? Did your doctor just give you all you asked for? Did you buy on the street or otherwise illegally?
I had friends with prescriptions and friends with connections. The frightening thing is these are and I think will still be my friends. So the scary part is that I will still be in the se social circle as the people who supply my addiction.
My mind is racing with assorted thoughts that may or may not even apply. But I’ve used these boards to work out a lot of stuff over the years and more than anything I want you to understand that when people post “We’re here for you.” we mean it, sincerely.
If your wife is like me (I love a man who lied to me for reasons not exactly the same as yours but with some similarities for years) she wants to trust you. She might need to question you some, but it’s part of the process.
Also, you do not need to know if your sobriety is permanent. You just have to know that it’s yours for today.
Please follow up on your promise to see a therapist/doctor. This is both a medical and mental issue and you can get help on both accounts.
You don’t have to have all the answers about what your future is going to be like, or what kind of person you are going to be. We all change over time, for good and bad. You could see it as a terrifying uncertain future, or you could see it as the opportunity that it is, to redefine yourself.
Well, day 6. I’m thankful for the supportive words. Didn’t get any sleep again. That’s been the biggest hurdle at this point. Sleep. I’m pushing a week now without meaningful sleep and I’m sure that will eventually hamper my mental stability. Work starts in 10 minutes. I’ll have to smile and interact with the public, all the while feeling so much turmoil and nausea. The restless legs are enough to make me want to scream. They continue to clench completely free of my control. I read somewhere that potassium is supposed to help, so I’ll give that a shot. We’ll see how well I get through the day.
It is not an easy uncomplicated thing to hide an addiction and the cash it sucks up, for a year or more, with a wife and job, and friends. But you did that. Whatever it took, lies, misinformation, distraction, you managed it all - while hooked on opiates! Damn. Think about that for a couple of minutes. That takes some skill, and some nuance, and some determination regardless of the driving motivation. If you could manage that, you can manage this. It’s going to take many of those same skills, after all.
Consider this, were the situation flipped and it was your wife facing this future, and had written what you’ve written, what would your response be? I suspect you’d be filled with pride for the five days she’s managed, and the difficult decision she’s come to. You’d likely reassure her that no one is judging her as harshly as she is judging herself. You’d probably point out that sever distorted self criticism is likely to sabotage her recovery and beg her to manifest some self compassion, go easy on herself. And you might wish for her to draw closer to you, take refuge in the depth of your love for her. To borrow strength from you. Please revisit this thinking until it sinks in.
Having compassion for others is only half of the lesson of compassion. The easy half.
I wish you strength, we’re all pulling for you, and we’re right here whenever you need an ear or shoulder. And we have nothing but the very deepest faith that you can do this! good Luck.
I don’t know how long you’ve known these people, but if they supplied you and could see the toll it was taking on you and continued to supply you, it seems to me that they likely did not have your best interests at heart.
Strength, brother. Don’t worry about who you are going to be, be who you are today; a man who has taken charge of his life.