It is very difficult for me to show anger, very difficult. 50% of that is a fear of the anger-object’s response, and 50% is an entrenched (and erroneous, I know) belief that showing anger is somehow immoral, or at the least, uncouth and therefore reprehensible.
I’m working on this.
So on Wednesday, when a neighbor/coworker said something to me that horrified and hurt me to the extent that I went home on my lunch break (there’s one nice thing about living across the street from your job) and cried, I didn’t know what else to do. Except cry some more and rant to my mother on the phone and calm down and cry again. (That’s what I do when I’m mad – I cry. This contributes to my anger-expressing inhibition, because it would suck to be all righteously indignant and then burst messily into tears. See ya, credibility!)
But it’s been a day and a half and I’m still thinking about this incident, so I decided to actually do something productive with my anger. Namely, write an angry email. But no! Stupid fear of negative consequences! And also, blessed desire to remain virtuous and show myself to be very capable of taking the high road! So then I decided to write a non-angry email. That’s what I’ve just finished doing.
And good God, it was hard. (“Office” shoutout: “That’s what she said!”) Anyway. What this fershlugginer person said to me implied that she thought I was a bad person for [x,y,z] so it was crucial that I say nothing at all in this email that could be used as evidence to back up this (terribly, terribly wrong) belief of hers. So I just spent TWO HOURS writing this email, two hours because it was physically and spiritually painful for me to refrain from either a) outright telling her to go to hell, and b) subtly telling her to go to hell. Goodness, the things my fingers itched to write! But I mastered myself and refrained. (Actually, what I did was write every bloody thing I wanted to say – in a Word document – and then return to the email after my spleen had been vented.) Then I puzzled over how to address not only the facts of the incident, but also the injury I had felt, because I felt it was a duty to myself to do this. I just had to do it; I couldn’t snivel my way out of this by pretending nothing had hurt me.
So I did it! And I was so subtle with my touches that I printed out a draft of this decidedly non-angry email, and as I sit here and type, I gaze at those two paragraphs and glow with the pleasure that comes from recognizing my diplomatic genius (not to boast or anything). I addressed everything she said and did, all the while remaining unfailingly polite, formal, and (dare I say) even cheerful while I acquitted myself. No name calling, no snottiness.
Dude, I feel so good that I’d post the glorious email for your praises if I weren’t so terrified the neighbor/coworker would find it here and come after me. Can’t have that.
whew Sorry, I just had to share.