Dealing with angry people

In My Humble Opinion
1

I used to have a coworker who would throw the kind of tantrums you expect of a 5 year old; yelling and cursing for a quarter of an hour. She would do this in a law office (clients weren’t around). She once threw a tantrum in a car when her husband was present and it didn’t seem new to him because he said, in a calm voice: “You’re an angry person”.

She would often snap at people or raise her voice through no fault of them.
When such a person gets angry at you, what’s the best way to handle it? It’s tempting to yell back or answer with an equally rude tone but it seems liek that could degenerate. Although one time I did answer back in a rude tone and hers became much softer.

Another option is to say that because voices have been raised, the discussion is over. I’m not sure how that would work, especially if the other person is yelling at you because they want something from you.

So, what’s the most constructive way to handle it?

2

Walk away. It doesn’t change their behavior, but you won’t be around them as much.

3

Absolutely. Turn your back on them. Especially if they curse at you. Tell them, “Swearing at me won’t get you what you want. Ask me later when you’re calmer.”

4

Tell them to calm down if they wish the conversation to continue, then make one attempt to respond calmly (if an appropriate calm response is possible); if that fails - which is likely - walk away/hang up/shut the door (optionally, call security/the police if appropriate).

5

It’s difficult when it’s a co-worker rather than a subordinate, because you’re not in a position where you can formally request that they change their behaviour.

Quite often, responding with your own anger will only serve to escalate the person’s anger, but as you’ve seen yourself, sometimes you need to talk to someone ‘at their own level’ to get somewhere!

Personally, the louder and angrier someone else is, the quieter and calmer I become. Sometimes I find that approach is enough in itself, especially if I’m talking so quietly that the other person has to shut up so they can hear what I’m saying!
Other times, I will say something like, ‘I’m happy to talk this through with you, but I can’t have you shouting at me. Let’s cool down and discuss this.’ If they continue to escalate their anger, I repeat this a few times, but then walk away/hang up. If they calm down, I immediately engage them in the ‘let’s get this sorted’ conversation, without comment on their behaviour (because people will often feel embarassed if you call them out on their bad behaviour, and embarassment is often communicated as anger so you start the cycle all over again).

That said, I think the right approach really depends on the reason for the anger, and your own personality as well as theirs.

I used to have a colleague who had a lot of righteous indignation and would get herself worked up about things that really had nothing to do with her. She wasn’t directly angry at me, but I felt the brunt of the anger in my dealings with her. I found it quite effective to say, ‘So what are you going to do about it?’ She would then usually say that she couldn’t do anything about it herself, but it was still wrong and I would give a calm agreement, ‘Yeah, it’s not great, is it? The things we put up with around here, eh?’

I think why that was effective was that (a) I was forcing her to acknowledge she was getting angry over something that didn’t affect her and (b) by giving her calm agreement, I was acknowledging that she wasn’t necessarily wrong, but I was role modelling a less dramatic way of expressing myself.

6

The thing about angry people is that they build up momentum, and the way to stop them is to break their momentum and put them on the defensive. You can do it by walking away; by speaking forcefully (“I want you to calm down. Right. Now.”); by acting even angrier than they are (which forces them to be the calm one); or by doing something completely unexpected, like breaking into hysterical laughter. I’ve seen all of these work. It depends on the circumstances, and what you feel most comfortable with.

7

^This.

Some of my favorite responses (no matter WHAT has been said), and always said in a calm voice (I try not to smirk and try to keep my voice flat rather than sounding like I’m going to laugh). Stand there and let them continue until they’ve blown themselves out. I was in a multi-month battle with a person who honestly wished me dead. They were the tantrum throwing sort and would get their buddies to jump in on the tantrums. So these do work:

“Well, God Bless your little heart” (heat tilt, concerned look on face)
“Thank you so much for sharing.” (bright smile like you’ve just gotten the cure for cancer)
“Well, isn’t that interesting?” (deep intellectual look, like contemplating their wisdom about the benifits of your going and F-ing yourself)

Sometimes these fit, and I love it when they fit…
“Well, I guess you’re just gonna have to get happy”
“Well, you must love it if you keep doing the same thing”

But, once I pick one, I just keep repeating it. (You’d be amazed at how the rah-rah crowd realizes the joke and will turn on and laugh at their attack dog leader pretty quickly)

Anyway. NEVER turn your back on them, NEVER walk away from them. NEVER advance toward them. Stay right where you are and totally willing to listen to them until THEY stop and THEY walk away (even if they blow on for an hour!). It will go a long way toward extinguishing the behavior, especially if they have their rah-rah crowd there watching. Once you’ve non-reacted to them, they won’t risk their rah-rah crowd seeing another failure like that in the future.

The first time you do it… make a point to notice their faces. They WANT you to yell back, that is their pay off. I’ve driven one person to the point that I could tell they were debating punching me. They had their rah-rah crowd there and were getting creamed by my total lack of reaction. The only reason I wasn’t punched was because the screamer has a criminal history and knew darn well that the cops couldn’t touch them for yelling, but the minute he touched me, that was assault.

Same idiot who wanted me dead also saw fit to try to “chase” me down a road in their car. It was a narrow two lane road with all sorts of twists. Their rah-rah crowd were all piled into the car, flipping fingers, red faced ranting, hand talking to each other. I slowed down to 15mph, turned on my favorite radio station, rolled down the window and hung my elbow out in the sun… and just tootled along like an old lady.

Their choice was to pass or continue the ‘chase’. We traveled over 10 miles that way (45 minutes - and I made a point to NEVER use my brakes, so I wasn’t even asking them to back off), them fipping fingers and ranting at each other in the car… I thought they would explode by the time they finally decided to pass me. (since they were in his beaaauutifuuuul ride, I knew he wouldn’t actually make contact with my old farm truck or try to run me off the road. My truck out weighted his car by at least twice.) Then, as soon as they’d passed, I did a K turn and was waiting for them at their driveway when they got home. I wish I had video of them. I’ve never seen so many creative ways to use the F word. Our tax dollars had not been wasted on their public education!

8

“I’m not angry. I’m right!!”

Bear in your mind that this is what is in their mind.

I’ve been in the military, low-wage customer service jobs, and marriage to an alcoholic: situations where I could not fight back, or even calmly assert my right not to be yelled at.

You can only stand there and take it with your mouth shut, or go away if you are able. “Fight or flight” just aren’t options, so you have to go against instinct and use your frontal lobes.

Angry people do indeed get their way in this world, but not because of their anger. They gained leverage some other way, and they employ rage as a perquisite.

It’s made me a better person to have endured that abuse with nothing to leverage back in kind. Now that I have climes the ladder, I try to follow Eisenhower’s advice: “never lose your temper unless you plan on doing so beforehand.”

9

Given its a co-worker, talk to them when they’re not angry. Tell them its a problem.

If they say it isnt, then management or leaving is your only option.

Otara

10

“I’m not angry. I’m right!!”

Bear in your mind that this is what is in their mind. That’s not norpinephrine gushing through their system (actually 1 part norpinephrine/anger to, tellingly, 6 parts epinephrine/fear); that’s righteousness!

I’ve been in the military, low-wage customer service jobs, and marriage to an alcoholic: situations where I could not fight back, or even calmly assert my right not to be yelled at.

You can only stand there and take it with your mouth shut, or go away if you are able. “Fight or flight” just aren’t options, so you have to go against instinct and use your frontal lobes.

Angry people do indeed get their way in this world, but not because of their anger. They gained leverage some other way, and they employ rage as a perquisite.

It’s made me a better person to have endured that abuse with nothing to leverage back in kind. Now that I have climes the ladder, I try to follow Eisenhower’s advice: “never lose your temper unless you plan on doing so beforehand.”

11

? If the hothead is a subordinate, you don’t make a request, you issue an order.

If the hothead is a coworker, you may not have authority over them, but neither are you subordinate to them. You can begin by approaching the hothead as an equal and asking them to mellow out. If the lunacy continues, you can speak to their manager. Presumably the angry outbursts are also directed at other people, so when you confront the hothead or his manager, you could/would have the support of these other people.

12

I gotta say, I think some of the advice in this thread is horrible, if the goal is to reduce the amount of anger that you encounter. Laughing at them, saying “God bless your heart,” repeating nonsense phrases to them: these are great if you’re a small wiry kid on the playground trying to out-bully the bully, and I remember using these techniques then. And I was loathed for it, as, apparently, Enkel is loathed for her behavior.

As an adult, however, my goal is to reduce the amount of anger that I encounter, and under such circumstances, I don’t treat people with amused contempt ever. Instead, I either separate myself from the person showing the anger, or else I address it head-on. Suggestions to speak calmly and to make it clear that you won’t accept abusive behavior? These suggestions are right on.

13

Playing mind games with angry people doesn’t defuse them, it can backfire badly. I just try to stay calm, speak quietly, make the point that I’d prefer to be addressed in a calm manner and if the person can’t respond appropriately, I leave their presence quietly. The last thing I want to do is to escalate the situation by “buying into” their anger with my own irritation at their behavior. Over-exposure to such people is corrosive to ones’ own serenity and centeredness.

14

I had an editor once who threw tantrums during story conferences. I wouldn’t say a word, I would just get up, leave, go window-shopping for 20 minutes, then come back to the office.

He always apologized afterward, and I would say, “don’t apologize, just don’t *do *that anymore.” (He wound up running the magazine into the ground and it went out of business).

15

This is what I try to do, but in some contexts it’s not really possible.

Depending on the person, I do not recommend this. From experience, telling a raging person “to calm down” may have the opposite effect, especially if the underlying emotional reason for the rage is a feeling of disrespect or lack of control of the situation (e.g., if they’re angry because “nobody is listening to me”). Telling them to “calm down” in this context amounts to “shut up already and go back in the corner”, at least emotionally; and using the phrase “*just *calm down, already!” is actually an insulting dominance display of “we’re all so in control of ourselves, what’s wrong with you?”.

This is by far the most common kind of “adult meltdown” I deal with in my own life, rather than a hysterical emotional meltdown of “waaahh, my life is so horrible” kind of sympathy-seeking fit. Given the professional environment that triggered it in the OP, and the fact that it’s coming from a woman (which is the case for a specific person like this that I have in mind, who genuinely deals with a lot of obvious and overt sexism at work), I suspect this is the real reason.

Or, in my case, just repeat back whatever it is they’ve been saying, and find some kernel in there, however small, that you can agree with. Then start unwinding.

Or if you can’t be bothered, just walk away, but if you don’t intend to burn bridges do so with a comment of “let’s discuss this further later” (sotto voce: “…when you’re not insane”).

16

Just walk away. Get away from the situation. It’s even worse if it’s a boss, and all you can do is grit your teeth and wait for them to calm down.

17

Oh, and with the person I was talking about where I deal with these types of what I have realized are ego/self-esteem driven tantrums on a regular basis, as I mentioned the “you need to calm down right now” approach never works (it’s what I did for years) and the “get even angrier” tactic would absolutely fail, it would result in a physical escalation (unfortunately this is also from personal experience).

Break into hysterical laughter? Maybe. Probably not though, as in that mood I’m sure she’d view the laughter as directed AT her, which would be inflammatory.

18

I work in a field where people’s pets are involved. People can get very emotional about their pets. Upset is one thing, angry is another. We all have pretty much the same mantra, whether the person is a client on the phone or in person. Excuse Me, to get their attention, and usually they stop talking long enough for us to say something like, I have been nothing but respectful to you and I don’t deserve to be spoken to like that. And it usually works. If it doesn’t, and it escalates (rare), we do whatever’s appropriate to remove ourselves from the situation,

*I’m hanging up now and will speak to you when you’re ready…
I’ll come back (to the exam room) when you’re ready to talk, I’ll check back in 5 minutes… *

I would do pretty much the same with a coworker. The places I work, if the employees can’t control themselves on a regular basis, they get written up for behavior like that, the walls have ears, too much risk of clients hearing an employee melting down and frankly, frequent anger outbursts directed at other employees can be considered abusive, three strikes and out.

19

Each person expresses anger differently, but in my experience the actual outburst is short-lived if it’s allowed to pass. Dismissing someone’s anger by walking away or making condescending comments seems like an excellent way to prolong someone’s anger. Enkel’s advice seems like a surefire way to commit suicide.

Fear is an animalistic emotion and body language is important. Keep your hands down. Just like running away from a predator, a defensive gesture can provoke an attack. Don’t speak until the angry person has stopped yelling and stomping around. Anger is irrational and at that particular moment, people don’t always know who or what caused them to go off. Don’t deflect the conversation into things like “What are you really mad about?” That’s the same as dismissing them. Once the initial tirade has passed and there’s a moment of calm, address the immediate situation calmly. They still have a lot of adrenaline coursing through them. I would not advise putting them on the defensive with a tirade of your own.

If they’ve made you angry or fearful, it would not be inappropriate to look them in the eyes and then walk away. Look them in the eyes. A lot of anger arises from someone feeling that they are not being heard and a meeting of the eyes is non-verbal communication that you are not ignoring them.

One of the stupidest actions I’ve seen is when you pursue someone who is so angry that they walk away. They know that they are out of control and need to catch their breath before they act. Running after or antagonizing a person in this state will likely escalate their feelings.

20

Bark at them. Then growl.

I am only kidding. Mostly.