I said I wouldn’t post again in that thread, but I’m honestly curious, and I’d like to open a discussion in a separate forum.
So a co-worker gets angry, curses at you, and exits your office. You didn’t reply before he left because you were stunned, but a moment later, you follow him and state, “You will not speak to me in that way again.” Now, some people claim that this was a challenge, especially since she followed him in order to say it, and that he was justified in taking up the challenge, since the statement is apparently just as out of line as the cursing and insult.
I don’t. I think that was a perfectly reasonable response to being cursed at and personally insulted, one that should leave no room for argument. It’s how I would respond, in fact. No matter what someone’s problem is with me, they have no right to get personal in a professional setting. I think it’s also what the person who cursed would be told by their superiors anyway – “Don’t talk to her, or anyone, that way” – so why shouldn’t she have said it? His reaction just seemed to me to be an acting out of the response, “I can and I will.” And that’s not on, IMO.
I do not want to discuss what happened to LVGeo, whether or not she’s good at her job, whether or not her manager should have been angry before or after the statement, whether or not his actions were illegal, or any of that. I just want to know what the consensus is on the statement, “You will not speak to me in that way again.” IOW, would you have said it if someone cursed at you at work?
I haven’t read the linked thread but my feeling is that the wording of the phrase makes you sound like an arrogant prick. The best thing to do is brush it off completely and lead by example. If you don’t want to be spoken to that way, then don’t speak to other people that way. Regardless, you can’t control how other people behave; you can only control how you react. Someone’s words can only affect you if you let them. By saying what you did, you’re basically telling them that they’ve gotten to you, that they’ve won. It’s all too needy and dramatic for me. It’s like holding a big sign up saying “Waah! Someone hurt my feelings! Pay attention!” I mean, really, chances are that if someone is speaking to you in a manner that’s so egregious that you would want to say that, they probably know exactly what they’re doing and an empty threat like that isn’t going to work. About the only time I think that phrase would work is if you’ve got a gun to someone’s head when you said it.
Chasing someone, and then telling them what they can, or cannot do as a declarative is absolutely a “challenge”.
A statement like “please don’t swear at me” or even “I don’t appreciate profanity in a work environment” gets the message across just as clearly without challenging the other party.
Just becasue something is a perfectly legitimate response does not mean that it is a good response. It really depends on whether you want to assert your rights and / or authority or are looking for a favourable resolution to the issue at hand as to which response you want to go with.
Yeah, right, like that works. I’m sure the person involved was already leading with that example, and look how well that turned out. The only problem I have with the phrase is that is sounds a bit stuffy and formal. I’d go with…“Don’t ever speak to me that way again”, or, “If you speak like that to me again you will be written up, and HR will hear about it.”
Bullies only get away with it because no one calls them on it. If you don’t stand up for yourself, who will?
The coworker appartantly issued the challenge. “You may not speak to me that way again” is a response to a confrontation.
I vote for defensive instead of confrontational, without having read the thread with the details of what exactly the coworker said under what circumstances.
I’m very laid-back until I’m pushed, but if someone else starts something, I see no reason to not clearly explain the rules of civilized behavior.
It’s a bit confrontational, but it’s not outside the bounds of professional behaviour. If someone is in your face and aggressive, they’ve already confronted you. You can either back off or meet their challenge. Sometimes, you need to meet their challenge.
If someone were to come into my office and say something like “when will you have that fucking analysis done,” I’d probably just ask them not to swear at me. They may have crossed a line, but it’s really not a big deal and I’m not going to make it one.
On the other hand, if someone were to come into my office and scream “you stupid fuck” at me, I’m going to tell them not to speak to me that way. The issue isn’t profanity. It’s the way they’re treating me. In this case, it is a big deal and they’ve gone way over the line. I’d give them one clear warning that they’re out of line, and then I’d raise the issue to HR if it happened again.
I probably wouldn’t follow someone out of my office and holler it in the hallway. But then, I prefer a quiet tone accompanied by a steely glare!
(bolding mine) - so in other words “when pushed I push back” - I think that comes down securely in favour of confrontational, again I go back to the idea that how you view it depends on whether you want to assert your rights, or whether you want a favourable outcome…
“Please”? “I don’t appreciate”? That makes it sound like compliance is optional. And if the person being told that cursing and personal insults are unacceptable takes it as a challenge and chooses to respond unfavorably, that’s on them. Their response is further proof of whether they are professional or not. That’s not the responsibility of the person issuing the statement.
“You will never speak to me that way again” is on the aggressive end of assertiveness. Chasing after someone to deliver the message tips it over to aggressiveness.
I think it’s an assertive response, and is what I would have said. However, I would not have waited to say it, and I would have made sure to sound cool and calm.
Unfortunately, many people confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness. I think this is because many people (especially women) are socialized to believe the only appropriate response to aggressive and/or inappropriate behavior is passivity (as typified in XJETGIRLX’s post).
I think that the situation described in the OP has a bit of an aggressive edge to it, what with her chasing him and announcing this in front of colleagues who did not see the initial incident. I still do not think it is out of line, however.
I actually have had similar-ish interactions in two different work settings. Both times, saying, “Excuse me, but speaking to me in that way is disrespectful, inappropriate, and unnecessary. We can discuss this rationally,” or a variation on that, has actually diffused a situation and garnered respect from the person who was out-of-line. Although never as enraged as the man in the story you refer to.
Actually that’s the whole point Rilchiam, I would like to remove even the hint of a challenge to keep it professional. My preferred response to being agressively insulted would be to match insult with insult, agression with agression - however I know this is not appropriate in an office situation, so I would prefer to go with defusing the situation, in an attempt at making the agressor take stock. YMMV
BTW, for what its worth I can recall two similiar situations from my past - in one I stood nose to nose with someone bigger and in a position of authority over me in what called only be called a screaming match for around 15 minutes, in the other I was totally cowed by having my (female) manager throw a clipboard at me.
How can I conclude otherwise? A curses at and insults B, then leaves before B can react. B absorbs initial shock and follows A in order to respond. Therefore, B is the aggressor. A did the right thing by choosing not to stay and back up his comment, so whatever happens after that is B’s responsibility. B has the option of taking the matter to HR; A doesn’t have to go to HR after he’s been challenged. B caused the problem, it seems.
Asserting my rights and a favorable outcome are not necessarily different things. If pushed, I will most certainly push back. I did not start it (and, in this situation, now that I’ve read the referenced thread, neither did the person whom we are discussing), so, in my world, that counts as defensive.
I do see your point. It’s a defensive move that switches the balance of power. The original aggressor is now on the defense, and the original defender is suddenly the aggressor (sorry, I don’t like football, or war, so I don’t know the right words). He started the “war”, lost a battle, and escalated the hostilities. There is no winner or loser at this point, but I know who I’m betting on.
If successfully defending yourself is confrontational to you, then so be it.
As for the original situation, I feel her response was entirely reasonable, but she was dealing with an irrational nutjob who didn’t have sense enough to withdraw. I, personally, might have responsed much more aggressively, maybe. She was there, I was not.
Don’t twist my words into a convoluted justification for your preconceived conclusion.
A is responsible for his actions and B is responsible for his actions. A shouldn’t yell, curse, or insult, and B should not respond in an aggressive manner. A is clearly at the most fault, but that doesn’t mean B acted professionally.
Agree that asserting rights and favourable outcome are not mutually exclusive, where I have a problem is in the abusee telling the abusor or what they may, and may not do. In response the original abusor has the option of backing down (losing) or escalating - if I was already angry I would probably escalate (not that this would be a good, professional or appropriate response though)
I see that Q.N Jones has put it beautifully and eloquently with “Excuse me, but speaking to me in that way is disrespectful, inappropriate, and unnecessary. We can discuss this rationally,” A statement of fact that is not challenging and does not tell the abusor what to do, so the abusor does not “lose” if they moderate language and tone.
All of this is based on the fact that I hate being TOLD what to do - even if it is an appropriate course of action. “You may not speak to me that way” tells me what to do - “Excuse me, but speaking to me in that way is disrespectful, inappropriate, and unnecessary. We can discuss this rationally,” lets me draw my own conclusions and act accordingly.
He did withdraw though. He left her office and she went after him. It’s impossible to be on the defensive if you are essentially chasing after someone in order to continue the confrontation.