I am more a lurker than a poster, but lately I have been reading with interest the various threads on this board having to do with cesario. Since the whole cesario thing started, I’ve been entertaining the thought of posting this, but I didn’t want to appear to be supportive of him.
See, like cesario, I am attracted to underage girls. Unlike cesario, I do not believe that taking ANY action whatsoever on these desires would be OK in ANY situation, regardless of laws or lack thereof.
Some points that I want to make:
I don’t have any choice in the matter. Just like a person doesn’t choose to be gay or straight, I can’t choose to not be a pedophile. I have tried everything that I can think of to get the desire out of my head, to no avail.
I have lived, for the most part, a normal, stable life. At least as normal as one could hope for under the circumstances. I was married and raised 3 kids, two girls and one boy. I never felt any kind of attraction towards either of my daughters as they were growing up. I don’t know if that is normal or not. I suppose it would be just like a man with normal sexual desires not being sexually attracted to his sister. The only time my desires ever became a problem with my daughters was when either of them would have friends over. At those times I would take the first opportunity to make myself scarce. Oh, and by the way, my now ex-wife is 3 months OLDER than me.
This is the first time I have ever openly admitted my desires to anyone! My wife asked me one time if I had any desires in this area, and I looked at her like she was crazy and managed to convince her (at least I think I convinced her) that she was reading me wrong. That’s the closest I’ve ever come to a discussion along these lines. Like I said, I have been entertaining the idea of posting this for a while. I’m not sure why tonight I decided to go ahead and do it. Even as I type this, I’m not sure I’m going to hit “submit” when I am done. While keeping it under wraps all these years has not been conducive to happiness, it has been conducive towards being accepted among the general population.
This is the main reason I don’t believe that there is a god. If there is an all-powerful god, then the desires that I feel are desires that he created me to have. This is something I would define as the ultimate act of cruelty. These desires can never be fulfilled. EVER! Having these desires leads to a life full of nothing but frustration and shame.
It’s not that I don’t find woman my own age appealing. I am 41 years old, and my last sexual encounter was also 41 years old. She was by anyone’s standard, even mine, a knockout. There is a problem, though. In order to get excited enough to orgasm, I had to close my eyes and think of her as younger. MUCH younger. I know that some of you reading this will find it disgusting. I really wish that it was different. In years past, I didn’t have to do this. But since I’ve gotten older, and my libido is not near as strong, in order to orgasm I have to. I really wish that my desires were more towards my own age, gay or straight.
I AM NOT A MONSTER!!! I have never acted on my desires. I know that acting on these desires would be the most wrong thing that I could possibly do. I volunteer in my community. I lend a helping hand wherever I can. Just because a man with normal sexual desires finds the female form attractive, it does not mean that he is going to rape every female that he comes in contact with. In much the same way, just because I am sexually attracted to underage girls, it does not mean that I am going to rape every 11 year old that I come in contact with.
I hate myself. I hate myself for not being able to quench this unquenchable thirst. I hate that I can’t talk about it with friends and family. I hate the fact that most people, if they knew what my desires were, would suddenly think it prudent to not have any more to do with me. I hate the frustration that I have felt ever since I was about 19 or 20 years old. I hate the shame that I feel. I hate the whole damned thing! Some days I wish I could just die rather than continue to secretly face the shame.
I am well aware that a loving, sexual relationship with a girl around the age of my desire is not possible. No amount of fantasy can get past her age.
I don’t know why I am like this. This is something I have thought long and hard on and can not come up with any answers whatsoever. When I first became attracted to the opposite sex, I was about 11. At that time, my sexual attraction was towards girls who were also 11. As I grew up, my age of attraction simply never changed. This started to become an apparent problem sometime in high school.
To reiterate, I have no choice in what I am attracted to. I can’t snap my fingers and make myself normal. I can’t “just not think about it.” There is no choice. The only choice I have is in my actions! I choose to not take any actions on my desires because I know that they are, at best, destructive.
I really don’t know how this is going to be received. With the cesario drama going on, I wanted a different viewpoint to be on the table. I am similarly afflicted with the same desires, yet I try to be the best person I can be in spite of the desires that I feel.
For those that have taken the time to read this whole thing, thank you. I am going to put this in the pit, so feel free to say whatever you want to me. Anything you have to say can’t be near as bad as what I say to myself. Just be grateful that your sexual desires, gay or straight, can be acted upon.
I wish that medical treatments could be found for people like you.
I hope in the future, neuroscientists discover the causes of pedophilia so they can be eliminated.
I still find your desires disgusting, sorry. I can’t change that. But I won’t put you in the same bag as Cesario because you don’t go around trolling your agenda.
Edit: I also feel very lucky not to have your predicament. When I was in junior high, I heard about the oedipal complex and worried that I would end up wanting to have sex with my mother. Later I realized I was just psyching myself out and that in fact I had no desires of that kind. Nevertheless, in a much-less-profound way, I have idea of what it is like to worry that there is a rotten sexual demon inside of you.
Well, assuming you are telling the truth I feel sorry for you. Personally, I strongly suspect that there a lot more people with pedophiliac urges who never act on them that there are people who actual do molest children.
While I’m sure you don’t believe me, Pduol, I’m also not a monster. The fact of the matter is I’ve been rather consistently misrepresented since the start of the ATMB thread, and as I’ve been politely waiting for the moderator response to my initial question, I’ve allowed the lies and insinuations to go unanswered perhaps longer than they should have been.
I am fully aware that I’m likely never going to encounter a girl in my age of attraction with whom I can have a mutal sexual relationship without the risk of massive harm done to her, and for that reason I am abstinent with regards to them. Not that anyone cares to recall that I’ve said that several dozen times since I arrived here.
Our positions are not nearly so different as others would have you believe.
I just don’t believe self-hatrid is the answer to anything, and I make no apologies for that fact.
I am in favor of a rational method for determining ability to consent, as I feel the age of consent, as it is currently structured, does much harm and no good, but I’m well aware that it is possible, perhaps even likely, that no one in my age of attraction would pass muster with the alternatives I’ve proposed, and I consider that perfectly acceptable because it would be a rational basis. It is for this reason, that I believe people prefer to misrepresent me as some kind of depraved rapist, since rationally examining the subject of age of consent reveals a lot of unpleasant truths about the nature and history of that particular law.
Wow, I appreciate your honesty,Pduol. And your courage and self-control.
Now that you’ve told us, can you tell a therapist and a 12-step group?
I just feel like we’re unqualified to really do you much good. I mean, I’ll pray and try to beam some strength your way, but I hope you get some professional help. I’ve got a friend going through something similar (in fact, you could be him… hmmm…) and having a group and a sponsor has done wonders so far.
Cesario, I still think you have an axe to grind and that you like sharing nasty fantasies. But if you want to convince me that you’re really not any worse than the OPer here, chill out with the sex thing for quite a while and just talk about Star Trek or something. This board is actually more interesting when people aren’t talking too much about controversial subjects.
And my respect. I hope you don’t take offense to my candor when I say that I find your particular sexual persuasion grotesque, but I the fact that you’re willing to deal with those desires in a mature, adult fashion is nothing if not noble, and deserving of respect.
Assuming this is for real (sorry, it’s hard not to notice your join date and your low post count…), I’m not sure why you would think that now is a good time to open a thread on this topic. If you’re asking for advice, try seeking help from a licensed psychiatrist or psychologist, if you haven’t already.
This guy doesn’t skeeve me out anywhere near as much as cesario. Just the fact that he has some moral awareness, and reality based assessment of his attractions puts him about 5 cuts above.
Pdoul, find some kind of therapist. I don’t mean in a “cure yourself, you sick fuck,” kind of way, I mean find somebody you can talk to and unload on.
I wonder, is there any way that a morally conscious man like Pdoul could make a contribution to science by allowing himself to be tested? Doing so would risk quite a bit of negative reaction, but what if they could take brain scans while he’s looking at children or something? If pedophiles could volunteer for medical analysis and experimentation, science and medicine could start thinking about how to deal with the problem.
Just want to point out that it could be a type of OCD. You find the thoughts disturbing, right? But even if they aren’t, the medicines that help OCD also help with pedophilia. The symptoms are actually somewhat similar: pedophilia often manifests as an obsessive desire.
But even if you don’t want to go the medical route, you do sound like you are in enough distress that you need to talk to a therapist. Seeing as you have no true desire to act on your impulses, telling a therapist is not going to cause a problem. (They can’t tell anyone else.)
I sincerely hope you get help. I’ve had desires that I totally hated, and I’ve gotten most of them resolved. You can do it.
ETA: Bith: it would be under medical, and covered by HIPPA. Heck, since the test will be double-blind controlled, they won’t even know who’s the actual pedophile. I’ve done one for OCD, and the experimenter thought I was a control.
They can tell someone if they believe you will act out, and believing you will act out isn’t exactly unlikely considering that the prevailing social belief is that it is impossible not to act out. Add to that the fact that medical privacy in general is a joke, one has to be realistic about weighing the potential benefits versus the potential consequences. I’m not saying avoid a therapist, since they can help, but they are capable of hurting as well, and you need to take any privacy concerns you have into account before making any decisions one way or the other.
Thank you, Bith. I also wish there was a medical treatment, aside from castration. Although I have considered it in the past, castration would only be an option for me if my desires were overpowering. As it stands now, I can control them. That is why I devote myself so much towards community service. I have found that nothing will quiet the urge as much as helping someone that is less fortunate than I am.
This is something that I have long suspected, but since its such a taboo subject, I have had no way to confirm my suspicions.
Sorry, Cesario, but I do believe you are a monster. Some of the things that I have read that you have posted I find disgusting, and this is coming from someone with the same desires. Some of the things that you have posted is what prompted my to start this thread. I wanted a different viewpoint to be out there. I can’t find the thread right now, but I remember you stating that you thought that it would be OK to have sex with a 10 year old under certain circumstances (paraphrasing). It is NOT OK. EVER! End of discussion as far as I’m concerned.
I did try to seek some professional help when my oldest daughter was 11 years old. Like I said in the OP, I never was attracted to either of my daughters, but I was attracted to their friends. This bothered me immensely and decided to seek help. I no sooner told the therapist what was bothering me and she was on the phone with someone trying to decided if she should report me. I hightailed it out of there and never considered seeking help again. As far as a 12-step group, doesn’t that require the belief in a higher power?
Thank you for that. All in all, this thread is going much better than I thought it would.
Yes, this is for real. As I said earlier, I’m not sure why I’m doing this, other than I wanted a view other than cesario’s on the table.
It seems highly likely to me. Someone who molests children has both sexual desire for children, and is either immoral enough to act on it or unable to control themselves. Unless one presumes that a sexual desire for children is innately linked with a lack of self control or morality *, it seems pretty straightforward at the number of people who both desire children and are willing to act on it/unable to stop themselves, is going to be quite a bit smaller than someone who has simply one of those qualities. Even the most amoral person isn’t going to molest children if they have no desire to do so, after all.
And given that no one chooses what they desire, I see no reason to equate the desire by itself with immorality; it’s normal to have desires that are illegal, immoral, or would even be fatal if you actually indulged them.