It has recently come to my attention that the denizens of the SDMB think that I am nice. Actually, it wasn’t recently that this came to my attention. Several Dopers in the past have written “Biggirl is nice” --or something similar-- right here in this forum. I attributed these kind words to advanced flesh eating disease of the brain.
However. . .
I received no less than 4 e-mails in the last 3 weeks telling me how nice I am. This has got to stop! Although it appeals to the mean bitch in me to let everyone here continue to believe that I am indeed a nice person, this is a messageboard dedicated to fighting ignorance. This post is my contribution.
Here is a partial listing of my not-nice credentials. [ul] [li]I tell people who compliment me that they are suffering from a brain eating disorder. []When I was pregnant one of my favorite things to do was to fill the tub with hot water. As hot as I could stand it. I’d then lay down in it and watch the fetuses attempt to climb directly through the skin of my stomach as they tried to get away from the heat. This amused me greatly. []When one of these fetuses turned 7 he decided he was a man. One of the things men didn’t do was cry. They especially didn’t cry because they had to slice onions. He was convinced that onions could never make him cry no matter what I told him. So. . . I put a few very weepy and acrid slices of onions in a plastic baggy and told him to stick his head in and take a deep breath. This act convinced my husband that not only was I not nice, I was actually evil. []Among the nicknames I gave my at the time 3 year old former fetuses were “Pain” and “Heartache”. Now I can never call my daughter a pain in the ass as she always responds “No Mom, I’m Heartache.” []One day a close girlfriend of mine called me up crying uncontrollably because her husband had called her a stupid dumbass. She explained through gulping, hiccoughing sobs that she had fallen prey to a con game. She launched into a long involved story about a poor, homeless new immigrant and another “good Samaritan” who happened to come along. And how, when she stepped out of the check cashing place on payday. . . “Waitaminnit,” I say cutting off the hysterics for a second, “You gave a perfect stranger your whole, just cashed paycheck? God, your a stupid dumbass!” I think it’s hee-larious when someone gets hurt. My sister-in-law dropped a 15 lb frozen turkey on her toe one Thanksgiving. Not only did I laugh, but I got everyone else in the house laughing at her too. Two days later she called me to tell me that the Thanksgiving turkey had broken her big toe. I laughed till I cried.[/ul][/li]
I hope that I have disabused everyone of the silly notion that I am a nice person. Thanks for listening and have a crappy day.
At one time I thought absolutely nothing of you, but after your stunning display here, I have come to the conclusion that you are indeed a bitch. Score adjusted accordingly.
The best thing Biggirl ever did for me was after the last Dopefest I attended. We didn’t really get to socialize together, so when I went to say goodbye to her, she said while she was hugging me that she was sorry she didn’t get to insult me.
Now I’m eagerly anticipating the January 5 Fest. I’m in for a double helping of Biggirl insults!
After reading this thread, Heartache informed me that I am like Roseanne, only nicer. I see what I have to do now. I have to go to her high school one day and give her a big wet kiss in the middle of U.S. history. The class with the guy she likes in it. That’ll convince her.
Pain has gotten the message. “You used to dip us in hot water? That’s just mean!”
Mtgman at one time I thought absolutely nothing about you. I still don’t.
I have not forgotten that you called me a “tree-hugger” Scylla. You will pay one day. Oh yes indeedee. . .
Come to NY for the megaFest Arden Ranger where you can bunk in my sloppy as house. You’ll wish you never met me.
And Cajun Man, I thought you I convinced of my unniceness the night of my birthday party. How soon we forget.
LOL! Great post, Biggirl. Hmmm. After hearing what a big meanie you are, I want to go to this Dopefest just so I can meet you and maybe trade a few insults with you. [giggle]
Feh. You think that level of child cruelty is bad? Feh. The ex-Mrs. BGH used to practice remaining submerged on the bottom of the pool while pregnant. Hot water, indeed – try complete suffocation! (Note: she only did this once or twice, and we’re fairly certain there’s no brain damage. And our son seems OK, too. )
Plus, this scenario: a 3-year-old BGH-spawn, sitting by himself watching Jurassic Park for the first time (always was a thrill junkie) on video. The ex wandering, unnoticed, around the house, doing her thing… until…
the moment of the first use of the “sudden, scary raptor effect” when she leaps forward at unsuspecting toddler, shrieking like said raptor and grabbing his waist from behind. Apparently, he freaked and cried like… well, like a three-year-old, for quite some time. Her idea of funny. Well, frankly mine, too, when she told me.
