I am the guy who put mouthwash into his eyes today...four times

Gather 'round, children, for I have a story to tell you. It comes to you from the guy who consumed 45 peanut butter cups in one day, had a mini stroke trying to start a new roll of toilet paper while taking a dump, referred to himself as a “grammar Nazi” while interviewing for a job at a Jewish organization, bathed in someone else’s shit accidentally, and started a thread from a hotel bed in Kansas while wearing nothing but black socks, eating microwaved pizza rolls and drinking OJ straight from the carton. So…rest assured that this story’s gonna have a healthy dose of dumbassery.

Once upon a time, this past Wednesday, I took my contacts out and grabbed a travel-sized saline bottle from under our bathroom sink to soak them in. I’ve been wearing my glasses for the past few days in order to give my eyes a little rest, until this morning when I was getting ready for church.

So I take out my case, unscrew the caps and bring the left contact up to my eye. There’s an unholy burn in my eye the second the contact made contact. I didn’t even get the thing in. I do the only thing I can think of at this point, and I grab the same little travel-sized saline solution bottle, and give the contact a nice big squirt; I figure there’s some sort of debris on it and that’s what caused the burn. I also wash my fingers, thinking maybe there’s some cologne/soap/oil on me that may have contributed to the burn. So after the squirt and hand-washing, I try again, and there it is again: an intense burn the nanosecond it gets near my eye.

I put the contact back into its little holder, and think for a second, “What the heck is going on here?” I suggest to myself that I try the other eye. So I take the right contact and plunk it directly onto my eyeball. Success! Well, “success” meaning it made it into my eye. Problem was it now felt like someone just poured lit gasoline into my eye socket.

I scream like a woman for my wife to get in here, all the while I’m clawing at my eyeball with my fingernails, but my eyelid is welded shut from the pain. Finally, using both hands, I pry my eyelid open and start really digging in to the flesh of the ball with my thumb and forefinger until I get that sonofabitch out. My wife runs in, and I tell her my eyes are on fire with heat of 10,000,000 supernovas (or something like that-- it may have come out as “FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKMEINTHEASS!”), so she hands me the little bottle of saline solution sitting on the counter, to help me douse the fire.

As I’m lifting the little bottle over my face, she asks why it reeks of mouthwash in there-- now let me take timeout here to explain that I’m completely plugged up with a summer cold and couldn’t smell a rotting skunk carcass right now if is was duct taped to my shirt, so this “reeks of mouthwash” was completely unknown to me-- but before I could even react to her querry, I squirted a fireman’s stream of fluid from the little saline solution bottle onto my now-gaping raw eyeball.

And holy moses, I thought I knew pain before, but this is when the lit gasoline turned to fucking napalm on my entire face. I think I screamed again, and flailed around, pulled the shower curtain off the rod and scrubbed my face with it, hoping…honestly, I don’t know what I was hoping that would do.

My wife apparently reacted by grabbing the *big non-travel-sized bottle of saline * from inside the medicine cabinet and held my head back while she doused me with a generous dose of that. After a good three minutes of me polluting my kids’ brains with words that shouldn’t be uttered an hour before church, and hoping for quick death, my wife finally asked where I got that little bottle of saline.

“Under the sink,” I told her.

“Uh, that was mouthwash,” she replied. “It says so here on the side of the bottle in big red letters that you apparently scrawled at some point in the past”-- and she was right. Let me take timeout again, and explain why there was mouthwash in a saline bottle under our bathroom sink. Just before Christmas, I ran out of travel-sized mouthwash right before a week-long work trip. I’m a little OCD about oral hygiene, and didn’t have time to run to the store for a new travel-sized bottle of mouthwash, so I decided to empty out an almost-empty travel-sized saline bottle and fill it with some mouthwash for my trip. I even marked on the side of the bottle in big red letters “MOUTHWASH!” But apparently the letters weren’t big and red enough for me to see them without my contacts or glasses this fine August morning.

So to sum up: Happy’s a dumbass. And whitening mouthwash really only works on teeth. On eyes, it turns things a real bright pink. For hours and hours and hours.

You know, getting Tabasco in your eye isn’t nearly that painful. Not by half.

Also I am never getting contacts for as long as I live. I might get surgery or robotic eyes with WiFi, but never contacts.

Happy, I’m not sure whether I’m tearing up out of sympathy or from laughing at your misadventure. Either way, great story!

Since you spoiled it in the title, my eyes watered during the entire reading of the thread knowing exactly what was happening. But marched on because I really wanted to know how you ‘squirted’ mouthwash into your eyes. I’ve never seen mouthwash in a squirt bottle.

Also, I didn’t read the bathing in shit thread. I very, very clearly remember reading that the first time around and didn’t care to vicariously relive it, thankyouverymuch.

I still lol when I am reminded of the bathing in shit thread- sorry, Happy! I didn’t know about the grammar Nazi thing- that’s hilarious. I want to be your friend, if only so that I can do my own stupid things vicariously through you instead of on my own. :smiley: You’re hilarious.

That was Awesome!!! I could visualize the YouTube reenactment while reading!

A smaller, similar story was me mistaking the EAR drops from the EYE drops for contacts. They are the same size with similar labels. One rewets, one eats mucus out of your ears. My eyes are still mucus free. :smiley:

At least now your eyes are squeeky clean!

After two years I finally got the courage to tell some co-workers the jacuzzi story one night while drinking some beers after a work event. Since then, my legend has grown around headquarters, even with people that don’t even know me. I’ve actually had people there (I work in the field, not HQ, so there are plenty of people I don’t actually know there), upon meeting me, say “Oh, you’re the diarrhea in the jacuzzi guy.” And at work functions, I’m constantly badgered to re-tell the story for new people. I consider it my sacred duty to spread the word on the dangers of hotel jacuzzis, and will gladly recount the horror when pressed. Sometimes, I’ll tell them to wait until I get a couple beers in me, as the retelling becomes much more spirited and entertaining.

A++. I’m so sorry you had to suffer in order to bring us all so much joy. But your sacrifices are appreciated.

Not to mention minty fresh…

And as someone who works in ophthalmology, my facial expression looked like :eek: upon reading what happened.

Happy, burning out your retinas will not remove the pooparuzzi images from your brain. They’re on the inside.

On the bright side, it was mistakes like this that led to the invention of your Reeses Peanut Butter Cups.

Thanks for sharing a 'nuther chapter in your Happy life.

Hahahahahaha! Sorry for your misfortune, but what a great way for me to start a Monday!

Dear OP,


ps- you have my empathy… as a contact lens wearer my own self I feel your pain, and I know it. I’ve not tried the mouthwash trick I have on several occasions absentmindedly touch my eye and/or contacts after using jalapenos or some similar pepper. Also, I wear hard contacts (semi-permeable they are called) and saline solution for soft lens do not work - that stuf stings like the dickens.

Hee! Now I don’t feel so bad about forgetting to put my clothes in the dryer. (My thread about that is more whiny, this is much, much funnier.)

Sorry you had to go through that. But hey, you had a good story for the Dope!

Man, the worst I’ve ever had in my eyes was mud, and that hurt like hell, but mouthwash! Ah aahahahahah! You’ve made my less shitty already, Lendervedder.

A freind of mine inadvertantly used her hard contact lens cleaning solution as an eyedrop once.

We ended up driving her to the ER. Her vision wasn’t permanently damaged, but it was close.

People: Pay attention to what you stick in your eyes!!!

How did you explain your red eyes at church. You probally looked like you really tied one on.

I just said, “Boy, I really tied one on last night!”

The truth would just lead people to talk…

OUCH!!! Closest I’ve ever come was accidentally getting traces of “cat won’t eat, try smearing this yummy brown paste on their paws” goop… in both eyes. This caused a severe reaction and had me looking about as you must have, for a few hours.

The paste, by the way, did NOT tempt the cat. So it was a loser all around.

BTW - on the jacuzzi thread (which I remembered!!): you got comped for the room - but weren’t you travelling on business? So basically your boss got the savings. I’ve always thought that kinda sucked (like the time I was at a hotel on business and there was no hot water - so they gave us our rooms for half-off… which meant my company saved money and I got no shower).