Citizen Goldilocks
The Goldilocks of Oz
Goldilocks with the Wind
Goldilocks II The Wrath of Pappa Bear
The Goldilocks Show (she’s on TV and doesn’t know it)
The Girl with the Golden Locks
Goldilocks and the Argonauts
King Kong (just us GL in stead of Fay Ray)
Jack (from Jack and the Beanstalk) is a penniless artist. Goldilocks is beautiful rich girl being forced to marry Grumpy. But their paths cross as they sail on the TITANIC. This water is too cold!
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Rue DeDay, Father of the Year!!!
It is not possible to clamp Millical down to anything. Or even hold her. We have tried. “Rugrats” will keep her in one place, however.
When I was a kid my Dad used to tell me about Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf. The Big Bad Wolf wore a leather jacket and rode a Harley, IIRC. “Whatcha got in that basket, little girl…” It was rather lascivious, but completely hysterical.
I am a bit warped, come to think of it…
We’re on our way to Grandma’s house. Make it so, Number One! Warp Factor 5!
And the Big Borg-ed Wolf says–*"I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and resistence is futile, you **will *be assimilated."
What? This is your first kid or something? You didn’t read the manual?
You spike her juice box. I’d stay away from gin or tequilla, but that’s just me. This slows her down and lowers her manueverability. Then, I can’t believe I actually have to say this, duct tape.
For the actual clamping, I’d use the springy kind. The one’s with the screw take too long to adjust. (But they do have a finer fit in the end. It’s a trade off.)
-Rue. (just trying to help)
Might I suggest…*
Goldifinger
Dr. No No
Romperball
From Russia with Gruel
On Her Majesty’s Secret Pumpkin
Poopie Royale
Never say “Mine” Again
The Man With the Golden Gum
The SugarDaddy Who Loved Me
*and, of course Octokitty.
You could tell her bedtime stories like “Animal Farm” and stuff…
Try to make her communist through Jack and the Beanstock. Tell her Jack was ripped off by the guy who traded him for his cow, and if he lived in a communist society the govt would have given him a better deal rather than the price gouging prick.
Yes, I’m bored. 
CalMeacham and Wisest Novel, you sound like great parents.
A lot of famous children’s book writers started off by publishing stories written for their own children. Maybe you should submit those stories somewhere.
And don’t worry about the lost stories. The mind that thought them up can recreate them, or create others just as good.
Additional items to the twisted fairytales…
Jack Rips Off A Bean Salesman (everyone knows magic beans are worth more than a scrawny old cow…)
Jack And The Tax Man (Hope the goose lays a lot… Capital gains are a killer!)
Jack The Giant Killer Gets Busted (operating an exteminating service w/o license)
Jack Be Nimble, Jack Be A Firebug…
Little Red Riding Hood vs. PETA
Grandma Marries A Wolf
Goldilocks Gets Busted (breaking and entering, you know… )
But the “Poor Billy Goats” is far-and-away her favorite story. She loves the bit about interviewing prospective trolls and all the goofy ways they fail the ‘demonstration’ portion of the interview.
“Big Bad Wolf vs. Various Building Materials” is also pretty popular: She gets to suggest the building materials, I have to figure out how, or if, they fail, and what the consequnces are when they do. ‘Frogs’ was a good one… When Big Bad showed-up, one big huff at the house made of frogs and he was burried under an avalanche of frogs, which leaped and squirmed away, giving the Wolf a bad case of warts. My daughter spent two days going “Eeeewww…” and giggling.
Tonight Millical asked for a replay of Goldilocks and the Three Stooges, which she found to be side-splittingly funny when I told it to her a couple of nights ago. I’m surprised – a far as I now, she’s never seen Larry, Moe, and Curly (except as cartoons on Scooby-Doo). I don’t like repeating, though, so I insisted on another stry. She insisted on a “Goldilocks” story. I gave her three:
**Goldilocks and the Three Marx Bothers
Goldilocks and the One Bear
Mixed-up Goldilocks** (“Goldilocks sat in the first bowl of porridge and said’This Porridge is too hot!’”)
Well, if you run out of ideas, you can “borrow” the fairytales I wrote for our High School lit magazine when I was in my mid-teens…
Hansel, Gretal, And The Old Woman With The Car
The Three Bears and the Homeless Girl
The Three Little Pigs and Elvis
Snow White and the Seven Deadly Sins (most readers favorite)
Unfortunately, The Poor Wolf and Big Bad Red Riding Hood (the 1st I wrote) has disappeared from the page, so I need to track it down to put up again.
Cal, cal, cal: How could you have missed:
Super-Goldilocks: Rocketed from a dying planet, she lands near Grandma’s House, but the radiation of her ship (which was partially changed to Goldinite in the explosion) has mutated the Big Bad Wolf into the REALLY BIG Bad Wolf, with Goldinite vision. Oh yeah. And when she got to Earth, she was adopted by a kindly couple with a bald daughter. The daughter Lena, envied Goldilocks’ golden locks and became an evil scientist to try to steal Super-Goldilock’s hair for her own. Um…and she’ll have a boyfriend and to protect her ID she’ll wear a brown wig, but the boyfriend likes Super-Goldilocks better than Goldie in her secret ID. etc. You have about 15 years of Mort Weisinger stories you can swipe from!
or
The Uncanny X-Goldilocks: Her hair really IS gold. And it can grow real fast, and a guy, Professor X, invites Goldimutant to be part of his school for mutants with good hair.
or
Spider-Goldilocks: She’s bitten by a radioactive spider and can now use her hair swing between buildings. She can do whatever a spider can/catches crooks just like flies…etc
Or how 'bout:
**
Goldilocks Has a Spacesuit, Will Travel
Goldilocks: Between Planets
Goldilocks and the Star Beast
Goldilocks and the Red Planet
Goldilocks and the Tunnel in the Sky (she has to fight the Big Bad Stobor)
Goldilocks and the Space Cadets
**
and so on.
Or, best of all (next to the Super-Goldilocks thing);
Once there was a little girl who worked in a Jewish Deli. Her name was Goldilox…
:: GD&R ::
Fenris
Read old Heinlein, much…?
Hein…who? Never hear of him.
On a completely unrelated note, some other suggestions:
Starship Goldilock: “Bears, Ms Goldilocks! Zillions of 'em!”
I Will Fear No Wolves: Goldie gets her brain transplanted into The Big Bad Wolf’s body
Goldie is a Harsh Mistress: No you pervs. Nothing like that! Goldielocks leads a revolt of Lunar Colonist Piggies against their evil Wolf Masters!
Double Goldie: Goldie is a lookalike for the President of the Earth and must take her place while the President is ill.
Time Enough For Goldie: Goldie goes back in time and…um…how old is Millical again?
Hmm…
…and meets her younger self. They then team up to take on the Big Bad Wolf, The Three Bears, The Wicked Stepmother from Cinderella and the Witch from Hansel and Gretel.
Fenris
At Chez Smegma:
Piglet in the Winnie the Pooh stories has been renamed Bacon Sammich.
Goats inevitably make an appearance in stories.
Goldilocks got busted for breaking and entering.
Plan Goldilocks From Outer Space
Almost makes me wish I had a kid…oh well, I will just have to warp my nephews and niece.
May I just say that you are one kickass father?