No, not Heloise. I was channeling Burt Gummer.
~VOW
King of the Straight Dopers, eh?
Time for a Pedants’ Revolt!
I am king of all that I survey*, and my power within my kingdom** is absolute. As such, a revolt is impossible, but might be amusing to observe.
*In this thread.
**This thread.
If there ends up being more than one King iiii it’s going to get very confusing when we get to King iiii III.
Ha! You amuse and intrigue me. You are made Royal Historian.
Yeah you say that, but when people hit the big time they forget all the people who stuck with them when they were nobodies.
There are still openings in my court, if you are interested. What are your special skills and interests?
Have you got a Chief of Secret Police yet? I’ve memorized Josef Stalin’s “How To Win By Being A Total Bastard”
Sure, the others will pay homage now that you’re a king, but you know that you’ve always been my favorite even BEFORE you assumed the throne. Remember who your REAL friends are and reward them accordingly!
You are hereby made the Royal Enforcer, which includes command of the Royal Secret Police.
You are hereby made the Royal Crier, in charge of making Royal Pronouncements to the court and the kingdom at large.
Yertle? Is that you? That Marvelous You?
Well heck, I don’t need explosives, sharp sticks, socks, door knobs OR harsh language.
I just need to find that one guy named Mack who helped build the chair you’re using as a throne and give him a soda. A single burp from him and you’re in the mud
Hi King iiandyii.
There, I said it. Now fix our country.
As an imaginary doctor in an imaginary kingdom, I imagine that I will be the man of science who is thrown in the imaginary dungeon for telling the world that the king is spreading pestilence by scratching his arse and not subsequently washing his hands before handling the food and the cooks. I await my sentence, Your Highly Contagiousness.
You are hereby made the Royal Astronomer. I don’t need a doctor due to my omnipotence within my own realm, but some science-ing sounds good.
Thank you, sire.
I shall dedicate my next magnum opus to honor you and your reign. It is a symphony for punk band, tuba and contrabassoon titled Bloodbath in D minor. It’s gonna be great, you’ll love it. Trust me.
I’ll await your work eagerly.
You are sentenced to 10 lashes with a feather for failing to get the correct number of i’s in my user name (as well as failing to bold the user name of the king).
You may need a doctor when you find out about King Simster. Just saying.
Pretenders to the throne are free to fantasize as they wish in my kingdom.