I bet Cyclops never had this much trouble...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I had an appointment with an ophtalmologist this morning at 08.30, so I got there around 08.25 and was told to go into the waiting room, where I waited. And waited. And waited some more. I really don’t understand how doctors do that, it’s amazing. I was her FIRST patient of the day, and still she managed to see me 20 minutes late.

She finally arrives and leads me into her office and she asks me some questions about my eyesight as I’d never been there before. She then asks what the problem is, “Well,” I say “I’m getting headaches rather often and a feeling like someone is pinching the backs of my eyeballs. My eyesight oftern goes blurry and then if I close my eyes for a few seconds it’s alright.”

She hmms and types away, no doubt submitting my ocular details to the French Interior Ministry, “Watch this one, she’s half blind, and a war mongering Aussie, natch.” And then asks me to go to “the machine”. (No, seriously, that’s what she said “venez vous assoire devant LA MACHINE” = “go sit in front of the machine.”)

So I go and put my chin on the chin rest thingy and my forehead against the forehead barrier thingy and then look into what seems to be a fancy electronic pair of binoculars on legs and look at a picture of a road, with mountains and a hot air balloon on the horizon. She then plays around, blurring, unblurring, while THE MACHINE makes a number of ominous bips and beeps and tweets.

Then she asks me to go and sit by THE OTHER MACHINE. This is a kind of rotating table with a number of devices on it, all attached to a rollout section of table. A bit like a fancy dinner party spinning serving platter.

This is where my fun (and obviously hers) begins.

I really truly think that ophtalmologists are the torture chamber dungeon keepers of our time. Compared with the 13th century they’re not too different, it’s just all electronic. I’m also convinced they’re all sponsored by the Catholic Church, all part of a neo-Inquisition funding programme. But I digress…

The first test was rather standard, although sadly I didn’t get to read an eyechart tacked to the wall. My own glasses off and once again the chin against the chin holder and the forehead against the forehead blocker, the biggest pair of glasses I’ve ever seen (larger than my head and attached to the spinny serving tray via an arm I was sure was about to sprout a claw and squeeze itself around my throat), and fancy projected letters. “Can you read this line, please”. “Uhm, D F G O L”. “Okay now this one”. (Here the letters are smaller.) “Uhhhh, H E uhhhh O no, wait D, no, O, uhmmm I’m really not sure.” “Okay is it better if I do this?” click as a new lense is dropped into place “Uhhh, it’s no different.” “And how about now?” uber lense of hell dropped into place. I swear, I saw flying monkeys through that one “Agh! No, bad! I mean, no it’s not good.”

This continued in much the same fashion for the other eye until it was time for one of my personal favourites the “let me put your head against another pair of psycho glasses with arm and play with silly lenses and shine a really really bright light RIGHT INTO YOUR EYE while asking what you can see” test. No surprise that I said “a light” when she was shining and “I now have a blind spot” when she stopped. See, I told you, torture.

But lo!
What is this?
A new toy, methinks!

Certainly not one I’ve ever seen, and I’m still trying to work out the point of it. This seemed to be a combination of all THE MACHINES plus a bit more. I think she must have bought all her MACHINES at once from a catalogue and got this one at no extra charge.

So, chin and forehead in the missionary position, eyes straight ahead, don’t move, don’t move, cue shiny light in eyes, don’t move don’t move, PUFF OF AIR RIGHT IN MY EYE!

“Oh, ok, alright, your eyes DO blink and water and you do swear when I do that. Okay, you’re not going totally blind then.”

Of course, she had to do it for the other eye as well.

At the end of this little sojourn in, well, let’s face it, hell, I was told that although my eyes have degraded and I do need a new glasses prescription she wasn’t going to give me one.

“Why not”, I ask.

“I want you to come back in a week or so. I will put drops in your eyes to dilate the pupils and stop the muscles from working so I can do all the tests again. You won’t be able to see, well, properly for the rest of the day and the drops will sting rather a lot”

The evil drops of Hades’s very own piss.

So, I smile blandly, thank her for her help and get the fuck out of there. As soon as I get home I call my regular ophtalmologist and take a appointment. In a month. You see, this morning’s journey was into the unknown. That’ll teach me to trust my eyes to a woman I hardly know.

2

try telling Argus this story.

A living nightmare, as far he’s concerned
:slight_smile:

3

Sounds like a standard optical appointment to me. I’ve been dealing with that stuff for years.

4

Just be glad she has the puff-of-air machine. My dad had glaucoma, so from the age of 16 I was subjected to the numb-your-eyeball-and-press-the-machine-against-it-to-measure-your-eye-pressure test. Now THAT was a test fit for the torture chambers!

5

I agree with Gorgon. Pretty straightforward, detailed examination. I’m surprised the eye doctor didn’t dilate your eyes the first time (it kind of invalidates most of the accuracy tests in the first set not to have done it).

6

Yeah, that sounds typical really, but I still hate that ‘puff of air’ machine with a passion, trust me, its worse when you’re expecting it

7

Ethilrist, I was going to mention the not dialating the first time, but it is obvious the doc didn’t mention what was going to happen during the appointment.

The doc would not be allowed to dialate Rinny’s eyes without foreknowledge because she (I think) would not be able to drive a vehicle home afterward, assuming that was the case.

8

I’ve never understood why they don’t develop drops to counteract the dilation and return the pupils to normal function when the tests are done. The last time I had it done I was miserable for the next 8 or 10 hours. Fortunately, it was only one eye.

9

Well, I had this done a few months ago (I think it was the dialation test anyway - she put in some drops, my eyes went numb, and I had to wear some cardboard sunglasses on the way home) and I was allowed to drive myself back to work. Doing stuff on the computer was way worse than driving. It was a cloudy day though, if it had been sunny, I never would have made it out of the parking lot.

My worst ophtalmologist/torture session was a couple of years ago when I ended up with an eye infection. My eye is already very sore and irritated when I get there. The nurse/assistant turns on the telescope looking thing with a ring of light on the end, and tells me to look into the light and keep my eye open. I can barely do this, and then she flips around a smaller lens and is almost touching my eye with it (I can feel it on the edge of my eyelids). Of course, my eye is in agony now, tears are running out of it like crazy, and my eyelids are trying to reflexively close. What does she say? “You’re not being very helpful. You need to open your eye more.” Yes, that’s it, I’m intentionally trying to make your job harder. I think you’re overpaid, and want you to have to work for you money.

So RinnyWee, just be glad you didn’t have an eye infection. A puff of air is much better than a poke in the eye. My current optometrist is much nicer, and hasn’t made me cry like a little girl yet.

10

Be sure and pick out your frames before they dialate you. I look like an idiot in these sequined catwoman specs.

11

Well, the Cyclops, as I recall, got a sharpened stake in the eye, courtesy of Odysseus. (http://www.2020site.org/ulysses/cyclops.html).

So I think this is the literal meaning of “better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.”

12

Ooh, lieu, tell me you opted for the red frames! No drab black for you!