I broke a nail! TERRORISM!

The BBQ Pit
1

I was in a hurry this morning to get to school, because I had a test in my first class. When I arrive, I get off my bike, and my toe bumps against the bike rack. I feel a surge of PAIN! and sort of a wierd feeling in my toe, so I look down and. . .

my toenail is torn halfway off. What the FUCK??!! It’s still attached, but it is just kind of dangling there, lightly spotted with blood.

I have no time to deal with this, so I go into my class and take the test, my toe throbbing all the while. What with my mind being on my toe and all, I guess I wrote more slowly than usual, because I ran out of time before finishing the test, which is bound to cost me at least a letter grade. When class is over, I hied myself to the physics office to get a band-aid for my toenail, because I am not sure what else to do with it. Since I have another class in the same room, I leave my stuff in my chair so no one will nab the seat while I’m gone.

It took a little while for me to get the toenail under control, so I came back to class a little late. . .to find some numbnuts sitting in the chair I had my stuff in. The stuff is on the floor now. This pisses me off a lot, since it is about the only left-handed desk chair in the room and numbnuts isn’t even a lefty. Class is already in progress, so I can’t do anything about it, so I slump into a nearby righty chair and curl my lip in defiance. Now I’m cranky.

This is all my toenail’s fault! If it wanted to secede from the rest of my body, it could have brought the matter up to me and I would be more than happy to arrange it, but NOOO – it decides to senselessly attack the well-being of my person. Sure, my toenail may claim that it was a strike for freedom, but I say it was TERRORISM at its ugliest.

I’ll try to carry on as usual, but I feel that this terrorist activity is taking its toll. Even now, I am wondering if any of my other toenails are planning something similar!

2

uh, ok… That was kinda… um… interesting…

3

Gosh darn facist toenail terrorist!

You realize, don’t you, that if you finish removing the nail now the terrorists have already won?

4

You know it really was the bike rack’s fault–what you didn’t hear was when it said “nailed em”

5

Have the other toenails issued a manifesto? Has Tom Ridge issued a “red alert” yet? Has GWB denounced the secessionist toenail (being careful to refer to the toenail by its first name) yet? Any rabid right-wing columnists demanding that we be “tough on toenail secessionism” yet?

If not, it’s not terrorism. Put a fuckin’ band-aid on it already!

6

So did the bike rack yell “let’s roll” just before attacking the terrorist toenail?*

*I’m really sick of hearing about that “let’s roll” shit. Trademark my ass! You can’t trademark a commonly used phrase!

7

You can’t use “a commonly used phrase™”! That’s my trademark!

8

You do realize, Joe that any attempt to simply band-aid the situation would not address the real problem.

I’m sure the bleeding heart liberals in the crowd will try to tell me that I brought it on myself, what with all the downhill hiking I’ve done lately and the way I have neglected taking the vitamins necessary to produce keratin. They are too naive to realize that my toenails are just evil and that’s that. It’s time for an all-out war – perhaps I should paint them pink. They’d hate that.

9

Whoops, I meant Duke, not Joe.

10

Yumanite: It’s too late. I saw a couple of editorials in Le Monde and The Guardian defending the toenails. Plus, the Arab League has issued a communique demanding that your toenails have rights equal to those of your toes and foot. I think it’s time to send in a UN negotiator.