I buried you long ago. What are you doing back now?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Sometimes it only takes the smallest thing…

So I step to the chalk line, hoist my Bushmills (I just tried this stuff for the first time - Damn. Good. Whiskey.)

"Here’s to wonderful somedays." (The glass dies in the fireplace.)

I’m nearly thirty, so Top Forty music no longer does for me what it used to. But I listen to the local modern rock station sometimes and yesterday heard the song “Wonderful” by Everclear. (Read the lyrics here, if you want to understand what this is all about.)

I’d heard the song before but yesterday I heard all the words for the first time.

Every single line touched a nerve that I’d thought long atrophied. I know I can’t quote the whole song here, so I’ll just say that I lived each and every line.

I had the Star Wars poster on my bedroom door. I heard them scream and fight and say bad words. I didn’t want to go home at the bell. And I didn’t understand how they could say everything would be…

Back when I was living those things I didn’t allow it to get to me. I didn’t consciously suppress anything, it just happened that way. That may be why I had all the cynicism and bitterness when I got older, though eventually I met someone with a heart big enough to do away with the cynicism and bitterness.

And now all that’s left is the occasional pain and sadness and longing for those things which are lost and will never return.

I just figured out that that’s what happened yesterday, when I broke down sobbing and nearly drove off the road. And that day last year that I spent holding that little Tigger doll and couldn’t stop crying. I was just crying for the loss of childhood. Crying from the pain of a time that was taken away and will never come back. Still hurts when I let myself think about it. Or when something else makes me think about it, like holding that doll. Or hearing this song.

So here’s to wonderful somedays, may they come to us all in their time.

2

…and you may tell me that I need to go see a professional and talk these things out until they don’t hurt anymore.

And I thank you deeply and sincerely for your concern.

But, no.

I don’t think I want to get rid of this pain. It’s there to remind me never to put those of my flesh and blood through that same pain. If this wound gets torn open again later, that fresh pain will only reinforce the lesson, so that it will never come to pass again. This promise will begin to come to fruition in October, so it’s good for me to re-learn this lesson now. And “promises mean everything when you’re little”, so I’m not going to let myself forget that I made it.

And one more thing: My life is good. My pain is rare. And yes, everything is wonderful now.

3

Tygr-

I understand about wanting to hold onto the pain to remind yourself of what not to do. In a different way, I think I am guilty of doing the same thing.

(and you knew it was coming…)

BUT

while you hold onto that pain, be sure it isn’t negatively affecting your chances to move on and trust, and love, and blah, blah, blah. Negative stuff that happens around/to us as children can alter us permanently. Whether or not you decide to “get help,” just be aware that it is possible to hold onto the memory of the hurt, but not let it cut at you as deeply as this sounds like it did. I have always thought there was a difference between burying and repressing. I think it is okay to bury something, after having felt it and examined it. But don’t shove it aside without really dealing with it.
good luck to you :slight_smile:

4

Personally I like Unforgiven by Metallica for a good “pain” song… I can’t count how many times I’ve listened to it.

I always thought I was drawing strength from my pain… but it was really just depriving me of feeling joy.

5

Ok, let’s see if I can say this and still make sense. You are longing for a lost childhood? Is that the BIG PICTURE? Yes, it sucked then, and remembering, it sucks now. But can you declare a do-over? My childhood sucked, too. Not like yours, my misery was mostly all my own making. Then, I met a nice guy, got married, started my own family, went thru several years of pure hell, then finally reached Nirvana. I declared a do-over. I re-raised myself (and my kids)the way I always wished my parents had done for me. If I look back, that’s not me I remember. That was some shell of a person, a person who was trapped and didn’t know how to get out. Of course, depression medication helped. But before that, I was wallowing in the pain. It took me 35 years, but I finally did something about it.

Now, I don’t have a Star Wars poster in my bedroom, but I did put one up in my son’s room, and my teenage girls have anime posters all over their rooms. And we talk, and laugh, and act silly at the dinner table, and talk about guys, watch Buffy and Gilmore Girls together (my oldest told me last week that I am Loreli. My middle teen told me she was glad she had such cool parents. I know who they are talking about when the say they like Incubus. Hell, I even know the words to most of the songs on the local modern rock station.

Sweetie, the pain you are feeling is part of who you are. Not all, just a small part. Don’t let it control you and take over completely. And yes, some stuff still hurts, but it no longer has the power over me that it once did.

6

Hi, Saph, and thanks. :slight_smile:
Actually, Mrs. Tygr put in a LOT of work when she first met me and held on until I worked through whatever trust/love issues I had (good reason to have a psychology major fall in love with you). And I’ve started having a better relationship with my dad (last year I let him know how badly I’d been hurt). I believe I’ve dealt with all my anger/bitterness at my parents over the breaking up of our family. I really don’t feel it any longer.

To be honest, I think what happened Sun. was akin to having something trigger a memory years after the death of a loved one. I’ve never experienced that, but my understanding is that it’s the feeling, the pain, of loss that gets triggered. I don’t know if anyone ever gets fully over the pain of such a loss. And I’m not trying to come off trite or wax rhapsodic over it, but I’m pretty sure what I was feeling was a sadness for a lost childhood.

So tell me. Does the pain of the death of someone you love ever fully go away? Or does it ever re-surface, years later, as an ache in the heart that lasts for a short time?

NPavelka: I had a friend who used to listen to “One” over and over again every day for weeks. It worried me, but he eventually moved on from it, though I never found out why he fixated on it.

Lyllyan: A do-over? What a great idea! A certain radio host, who, I believe, is smarter than some people give her credit for, likes to say that “You get two chances to have a happy childhood. One is while you are growing up, the other is while your children are growing up.”

Actually, yesterday my wife said this to me, via e-mail (emphasis mine):

Have I mentioned in the past five minutes how much I love my wife?

Yes, Lyllyan, I agree. I think the pain IS part of who I am. And no, I don’t believe it does control me. But about once a year, I feel it powerful intense. When that happens I just let it wash over me until something (usually my wife) breaks me out of it.

And thanks for sharing some of your story. I always like to hear of good people living happy lives in spite of past hurts. I’ll be thinking of you and yer kids tonight as we park on the couch in front of the WB. :slight_smile: