I can't believe my little brother did this.

The BBQ Pit
1

A little background info to catch you all up on where I’m coming from: as of September, MrWhatsit was laid off from his job, and we decided that our best option at that point was to move from Seattle to Ohio and live with my parents for the time being while he looks for another job. We packed up all our stuff and Whatsit Jr. and made the big move, and for the most part, things have been going fairly well. There’s the usual amount of friction that you might expect from people who are suddenly sharing living space, but nothing we can’t all get over.

However. My 10-year-old brother also lives here. Until yesterday, I thought of him as being a mostly trustworthy and responsible kid. He’s a little shy and withdrawn, but nothing major. He doesn’t talk to me or MrWhatsit much, but I figured that’s just because I moved out and left for college when he was just two years old, so he doesn’t know us that well.

Anyway. I found out from my employers a couple months ago that once Whatsit The Youngest makes his/her grand appearance in mid-February (did I mention that I am pregnant with our second child?) they want to switch me from employee to contractor status. I’m working long-distance for my Seattle employers on a part-time basis, so the switch makes sense, but it forced us to look for other health insurance options. Luckily, my brother-in-law’s dad is an insurance salesman, so we gave him a call and provided him with our information. This was last week, on Monday. He said he’d get back to us after talking to his underwriters, probably sometime Wednesday.

Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday came and went and no call back. MrWhatsit and I thought it was kind of weird, as this guy is usually really good about calling us back about stuff (we also have our car insurance through him) but didn’t think too much about it and thought we’d just give him a ring on Monday and see what was up.

Meanwhile I should mention that my brother was home sick from school all week with some hideous virus. Mom left him here because there was at least nominal supervision with both MrWhatsit and I home, although we spend most of our day in our basement office, me working from home and him doing job search stuff. So my brother was upstairs unsupervised for a good length of time.

My sister and brother-in-law visited yesterday, after first paying a visit to his parents, and said that brother-in-law’s dad had told them a funny story, namely that he had called the house twice last week, got my brother on the phone, and asked if MrWhatsit or MsWhatsit were there. My brother said yes, they were. He said, can I speak to them? My brother said no, and hung up the phone.

My brother-in-law told this story while they were gathered in the living room visiting, and unfortunately I handled it by completely losing my shit and yelling at my brother, telling him that MrWhatsit is in the middle of looking for a job and that if a prospective employer were to call and get that treatment on the phone, that would be an opportunity we’d lose, and we can’t afford to lose any opportunities right now, and this is really important so put down your GameBoy and listen to me, and this is totally unacceptable behavior, etc. etc.

I don’t feel bad about telling him it was unacceptable and so forth, but I do feel kind of bad about yelling at him like that in front of everyone. However, I have to point out that literally a haze of red descended over my vision when I heard this story. MrWhatsit has been sending out boatloads of resumes and we haven’t heard back from any good leads yet, and it’s incredibly frustrating and stressful. His unemployment benefits run out at the end of March. I have no idea what we’re going to do to make ends meet at that time. And to find out that it is even remotely possible that a potential employer could have called the house and been HUNG UP ON by my little brother… I’m still kind of shaking with anger, and it’s the next day now.

I also feel I should point out that both my mom and my stepdad were present in the room when this happened, and neither of them said a word to my brother. Not, “This is unacceptable and we’ll talk about it later,” not, “You need to apologize,” not even, “We need to review your phone answering skills.” Not a word. I mean, OK, maybe they were upset with me for handling it in such an angry way, but come on, to say nothing? Why do I have to be the one to explain why hanging up on people who want to talk to us is unacceptable? I know the kid’s been sick. I understand that. I feel sorry for him because he’s had a sore throat and been throwing up for a week. But sick or not sick, 10 years old is old enough to understand how to properly answer the phone and that hanging up on somebody is just wrong.

Mom’s explanation for it later was that my brother is scared of me and MrWhatsit, or intimidated by us at least, and didn’t want to come downstairs to the basement office to get us to the phone, so just told the caller on the other end that he couldn’t talk to us, and hung up. I was like, that’s an excuse? Mom said he’s just really shy. Shy or not, I don’t care, you still don’t answer the phone like that.

I am really upset about this, partly because MrWhatsit and I now feel we cannot trust my brother to either 1) answer the phone properly and pass messages along to us, or 2) refrain from answering the phone if told he is not allowed to. So we are going to have to get a cell phone, which sucks, because we really don’t have an extra $30-50 to blow on a cell right now, but as MrWhatsit pointed out, it doesn’t make sense that we’re spending approximately $500 a month on day care for Whatsit Jr. partially so that MrWhatsit has time during the day to search for jobs, and then not spend an extra $50 to make sure we get any job-related calls that come in.

I am still kind of just in shock that my brother even did this. I previously thought of him as basically responsible and trustworthy, but this? Also, when my brother-in-law first told the story, my brother’s initial response was to lie and say that he didn’t do it. Except I’m about 95% sure that he did, because my brother-in-law’s dad would have no reason to make up a story like that, and it was already weird that he hadn’t called us back in a timely fashion. I just don’t get it.

I don’t mind living here even though my parents sometimes get on my nerves, but this is just over the top. I wish MrWhatsit could find a decent job so we could move out, but unfortunately we just don’t have the means right now. Everything sucks. Bluh.

2

Had I done that to my brother, my parents would have joined him in screaming me stupid. Me being sick or shy isn’t a good enough reason to cost someone a job.

3

Don’t forget that 10 is really young, especially in the emotional stakes. Perhaps it was his idea of a joke? I used to pull all sorts of stupid shit like that when I was that age.

I’d imagine that a full-blown ballistic fit on the little guy by his big sister would scare the living crap out of him. That’s probably why your parents remained silent.

Did you explain to him the importance of taking a message beforehand?

But he may also resent you. Try to put yourself in his shoes (even if you can’t understand why he did it).

I think you should make your peace with him. Maybe offer to pay him $1 for every message successfully passed on.

4

This is like something that would happen on the Brady Bunch - Mr. Phillips calls with BIG CLIENT for Mike when they had that stupid pay phone.

Boy, am I dating myself.

Seriously, you were totally justified in your anger. Is there any way MrWhatsit could use this as an excuse to follow up with potential employers? (“we were having some phone trouble last week and I just wanted to give a follow up call?”).

Best of luck.

5

Wow. That’s ridiculous.

Ok, maybe you were wrong to yell, but it’s nothing he won’t get over. What shocks me is that his parents didn’t yell. Maybe he is shy, but that doesn’t sound shy to me, it sounds rude. If he were shy, he wouldn’t answer the phone. If he were intimated by you, he could have taken a message and given it to his parents or given it to you later. The whole “shy” thing doesn’t wash. Sounds like an excuse to me.

I really hope he didn’t do that to any potential employers. The cell phone thing sounds like a great idea, as does making him contribute to the cost. ($10, $15, whatever is appropriate for a kid his age.) Good luck to you guys with the job search and the new baby!

~M

6

Sat on Cookie, that’s not a half-bad idea and I will pass it along to MrWhatsit.

JJimm, after talking to MrWhatsit, who generally has a much cooler head than I do about these things, I realized much the same about my brother. 10-year-olds don’t always make logical connections the way an adult would, and therefore he probably didn’t stop to consider that hanging up phone = possibly costing sister’s husband a job. I am pretty sure that he did not realize how serious the consequences of his actions could potentially be. That having been said, yeah, he has been trained in phone etiquette and knows dang well that you do NOT, repeat NOT, simply hang up on somebody instead of taking a message.

But, I do feel bad about the whole thing, because as you point out, he is now probably terrified of me, if he wasn’t before, and frankly, in the grand scheme of things, my life-long relationship with my brother is probably more important than MrWhatsit’s current job search. Which is not to say that the job search isn’t important, or that what my brother did wasn’t totally irresponsible and rage-worthy, but I’m not going to stay mad at him for the next ten years about this, either.

I am probably going to stay mad for at least a week, though. Maybe it will be a life lesson for him to learn: “Do Not Piss Off Your 8-Months-Pregnant and Highly Temperamental Big Sister.”

7

Wait until you are calmer, than sit down by him, and explain to him in detail why he needs to bring the phone to you. Tell him you don’t hate him, but you were angry. Let him know you are on his side, but that you need his co-operation. Try to convince him that he’ll be doing the right thing, and being more grown up, and helping out.

Maybe make a “business arrangement” with him? Make it a “job” and find some way to “pay” him for helping out? (Take him out for a burger and shake, or ice cream, or a movie if he earns enough?) That might work too. Though I think he should just do it because it’s the right thing to do.

Could you just get an answering machine, and tell him not to answer the phone during business hours, unless he hears his friend’s voice on the answering machine? That way you’d get messages at least. Set up a system that “moniters calls”.

Or, why not find a way to get an extension phone in your office? There has got to be a cheaper solution to this. Even if it involves fastening up yards of phone cord out of the way. Get a splitter, and a cheap phone, and string cord down to your office?

Good luck.

8

Called my Mother the other day and the phone was answered by my niece, age 4. SHe answered the phone politely and went and got her mother for me when I asked her to. If a 4 year old can do it, it ain’t rocket science.

9

Can I just say that having been a very shy 10 year old, if I had to relay a message to a couple I wasn’t very comfortable with, I may well have done the same as your brother. Ofcourse you know that blowing up at him has made the situation worse, getting to know him would be the thing to do now -this takes a lot of time and effort with a very shy kid.
Also, parents aren’t necessarily there to support you for the rest of your life and you are very lucky that they allow you to live with them and use their phone whilst you need it.

10

I just have to ask this. You and your hubby were in the house. Both of you were working at the time: you at your job, him on job seeking.

Why did the 10 year old sick kid even have to answer the phone?

You’re correct in stating that a 10 year old should know better. A healthy one maybe. One that doesn’t have a fever, sore throat, throwing up. But a 10 year old sick kid isn’t a person who is reliable enough to make good decisions.

I look like a loner on this thread but I think you over reacted. You needed to tell him that calls are important to you. To tell him that from now on you are counting on him to be helpful. But yelling at a kid who’s been sick looks like a bad move to me.

Bubba

11

I’d cut the kid a break. Sounds like he is intimidated and the thought of calling you to the phone scared the bejeezus out of him. Or, could be he was really feeling bad at the time.

Calm down, ask him to please forward all your calls in the future, or you will go into his room while he is a school and take his GameBoy. Remind him, in a suitably menacing voice, that you know where he sleeps.

12

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Jjimm’s idea is a good one. And I’ll reiterate that you need to make amends with your brother. Think of it from his point of view…suddenly, his home has been invaded by virtual strangers and his original position within the family has been usurped. He’s going to be a tad resentful, but if you can offer him ‘compensation’, he might think twice about screwing things up for you later.

13

I don’t see a reason to bribe a kid to do what he’s supposed to be doing in the first place, namely, acting with courtesy to family callers (on the phone or in person). If he were to be so rude to a dinner guest, I’d hope it wouldn’t be tolerated, and he shouldn’t be given a dollar for every time he didn’t throw mashed potatoes at Aunt Shirley. Of course, I was one of those kids who was never rewarded for doing what I was supposed to do in the first place.

That said, when I was that age and wasn’t so hot at always taking messages, I was told that if I wasn’t going to take reliable messages with proper spelling, time, and phone number, then I had no business answering the phone and should let the machine pick up. I think that’s perfectly fair and pretty sensitive to the other issues at hand.

14

BubbaDog, you are correct, my brother did not have to answer the phone. I would have been perfectly happy if he had not answered the phone and let the machine pick up. It also would have been fine if he had picked up the phone and taken a message. Or if he had answered the phone and come downstairs to tell us we had a phone call.

The situation was that my mom asked us if it was all right if she left my brother here during the day while he was sick. We explained that we didn’t have a problem with it per se, but that we couldn’t really do much in the way of direct supervision, as we have responsibilities during the day (job searching; working from home). She said, that’s fine, he can basically take care of himself, she just wanted someone to be home in case there was an emergency. We said, OK. There is no phone extension in the downstairs bedroom/office where our computers are, hence we do not hear the phone ring when we are both downstairs. During the previous few months we have lived here, there has never been a problem with people upstairs answering the phone and then coming downstairs to tell us there’s somebody on the phone for us. Or, taking a message.

I do not expect a sick 10-year-old to have to take my phone messages. All I expect is that if he’s feeling well enough to get up and answer the phone in the first place, he observes basic phone etiquette, i.e. not hanging up on the caller.

I am not going to be bribing him to take phone messages. Neither am I going to stay enraged at him. As I hope I already made clear, I do feel bad about how I reacted and plan to sit and 1) apologize for overreacting, and 2) explain the importance of taking phone messages in a responsible way, in as non-confrontational a setting as I can manage, as soon as he’s feeling better.

And for all of you who have made comments about how “virtual strangers” or an “unfamiliar couple” or whatever, have moved in and are upsetting him: first of all, I’m not that unfamiliar. I’m his sister. I’ve been visiting and staying for a couple weeks at a time, several times a year, since he was two. We have previously had a pretty good, although not super-close, relationship. I am not some strange unknown woman who just barged into his life. He’s also met my husband dozens of times before we moved in. Second: Even if virtual strangers had moved into the house, that’s still no excuse for hanging up on someone who calls the house. Yes, he’s 10. Yes, he’s sick. He still knows better. He wasn’t in a state of feverish delirium, he’s just coughing a lot.

To sum up, I’m still irritated that the whole thing happened, but I don’t hate my brother, and will take steps to make sure that this doesn’t make him hate and/or be terrified of us. And, MrWhatsit and I decided that we’re just going to install an extension phone in the downstairs bedroom/office rather than get a cell phone, for a variety of reasons, including expense and the fact that cell phone reception out here in the sticks is really crappy. The whole thing will blow over eventually. I’m still sort of in disbelief that he did it in the first place, though.

15

Another option is to get one of those cordless phones that gives you two hand sets per phone jack that also operates as an intercom from one handset to the other. There is an AT&T model for $100 at Sears, which also includes a digital answering machine and speaker phone - I bought it as a Christmas gift for my sister. You only need one jack. Leave a handset in the basement and one upstairs. Answer the phone when it rings so you don’t miss any calls. Leave it behind as a gift to your parents for shacking you up while you were down on your luck. No cell phone bill, no missed calls, no wires, and a valuable thank you gift besides.

But as someone whose husband was unemployed for three months when my son was less than a year old so I have been there, I have to say I do not understand why job searching has to be done during the day such as would require a $500/month day care bill… If you are so worried about cutting corners, back off on the daycare. The internet is still there at night. I would suggest pounding the pavement 2 days a week during business hours. I would keep the rest of the job search activity in off hours and cut back on day care. Yes, it is a bit disruptive to quality time for the family and all that, but desperate times call for desperate measures. But that is just me. YMMV

16

$500/month for daycare actually isn’t all that ludicrously expensive for full-time daycare, and part-time care isn’t an option at this particular daycare. And before I get a bunch of people telling me I should have chosen a daycare that does offer part time care: the daycare options in this area are somewhat limited, Whatsit Jr.'s daycare is excellent, and we’re paying about the same amount of money for full-time now as we did for part-time in Seattle.

The first month we moved here, we didn’t have Whatsit Jr. in daycare, and attempted to just juggle him between our other responsibilities. MrWhatsit, in addition to searching for jobs on the Internet, was also studying for the first in the series of actuarial exams (which he passed with a perfect score, so the study time was well worth it), getting in touch with local contacts about job leads, and getting his paperwork in order to start substitute teaching. If I left anyone with the impression that he was spending all day in the basement hitting Refresh on monster.com, I apologize, because he does a lot more than that. Anyway, having Whatsit Jr. at home while MrWhatsit was trying to get all that stuff done, and I was trying to put in 25 hours a week at my editorial job, was not working out real well. We also felt that he needed the socialization of being around other kids. (I know this is kind of a parenting hot topic and I really do not care to get into a debate about it; I mention it only to make it clear that job searching time is not the solitary reason we put Whatsit Jr. into daycare.)

I would further point out that all of our financial issues are kind of beside the point, which is that my brother did something totally unacceptable on the phone. Yes, my parents are being very generous in letting us stay here. We are fully aware of that fact. We do what we can to be pleasant, undemanding, and helpful houseguests. Yes, it’s hard on my brother having two more people suddenly added to the household. We’re aware of that too, and have done what we can to make it easier on him. We play lots of board games with him, MrWhatsit helps him with his math homework, and so on and so forth. Hell, I even ask him about the health and welfare of his pet gecko on a weekly basis. The fact remains that my brother hung up on someone who called the house, which I think we can all agree is pretty much unacceptable behavior under most circumstances.

Let me reiterate. I do not hate my brother as a result of this. I feel bad that I blew up at him in front of everybody, and realize it was an inappropriate way to handle the situation. I do not think my brother is a horrible person. But I do think it was a crappy thing for him to do and I don’t feel bad at all for continuing to be somewhat irritated about it.

Also, I feel I’ve done enough explaining about my current financial situation for one thread. I’ve worked things out between myself, my husband, and my parents, to our mutual satisfaction. I get a little stressed out about it sometimes, but it is temporary, and in the meantime I don’t feel the need to go into lengthy detail about how we’re managing our personal budget; that would be a whole 'nother thread topic, and it’s something I don’t really feel comfortable discussing on the Internet. Sorry.

17

Actually my main point was that 10 year old kids aren’t known for their good decisions. That’s why they don’t drive cars or vote.

And I would expect a sick kid to be downhill from there.

But I’m also a dad and I know that nobody wants to be on the wrong side of a pregnant woman. :eek:

So I agree with you :smiley:

Bubba

18

Wow, we can’t trust a 10 year old to answer the telephone and not hang up on the caller? That requires a level of maturity and responsibility on par with voting and driving a car? Color me shocked.

But, since your parents apparently aren’t willing to correct your brother’s behavior, I recommend getting an inexpensive cell phone plan and giving out the number to job-related callers. That way you’re not blowing big money on the cell phone, you’re avoiding the bratty little brother, and you’ll know when that phone rings that it’s really important.

19

You should have yelled at your brother and I’m glad you did. He knew better and he was in the wrong. Being sick or being usurped is no excuse.

You’re allowed to yell, he’s your brother after all. What else are they for? :wink:

20

Well, first of all, this sounds like pretty standard 10 year old behavior to me. Not so much the specific offense (a 10 year old is certainly capable of taking a phone message properly) but the dumbassedness of it. 10 year olds can really be dumbasses. Probably he just didn’t feel like taking a message. Maybe he was in the middle of his GameBoy game, or napping, or watching TV and when the phone rang, he picked it up in case it was Something Good. Upon finding out it was, in fact, a boring old call for his sister requiring him to either get off his ass and find you, or get off his ass and find a pen he just figured to hell with it and rung off the quickest way possible. Why’d he do it twice? Well, in his view, it worked the first time – I mean it worked in the sense that it got him off the phone quickly (once he learned that the call had nothing in it for him) and without any arduous activity (taking a message or looking for you). Pretty dumbass, but there you go. Of course, he knew it was wrong – that’s why he tried to lie his way out of it. But he did it anyway because he figured he wouldn’t get caught. Again, more 10 year old dumbassery.

Anyway, I don’t blame you for yelling at him, either. He probably doesn’t hold it against you much either, so try not to worry about that. He screwed up and he knows it. He’s gotten his smackdown and, in the future, he’ll either take messages properly or (and this is more likely, IMO) stop answering the phone.

As far as your parents not yelling at him or correcting him, well, I can even kind of understand that. The thing about having small kids in a home with extra (non-parental) adults is that the kids can get dogpiled a bit. I bet your mom and step-dad didn’t say anything to him because you’d already said it all. Why pile it on?

I do think Sat on Cookie’s suggestion to use the incident as an excuse to call back future employers is a good one. Also, I kind of like the idea of going back to your little brother in a week or so (once you’ve calmed down) and telling him you’re sorry you lost your temper. Something like, “I’m sorry I yelled at you. But phone calls aren’t just fun for grownups; sometimes they’re business and very important. Still, I shouldn’t have lost my temper.” That will reitierate the real point (that he shouldn’t answer the phone unless he’s prepared to do it properly) and help smooth over any remaining ruffled feathers.