Ok so I understand maybe me being unemployed for the last 4 months maybe does contribute to his being pissed at me, and I can understand that, however, before my recent unemployment he’s always been the following;
Constantly whinging, moaning, complaining about everything I do and threatening constantly to kick me out, called me a lazy bastard, and once when he was unemployed for a few months, said that he didn’t respect me when we had a massive argument. He smokes marijuana regulary, he works long hours at a logistics company, sometimes from 9am till 7-8pm, he’s overweight, doesn’t go out much.
I’ve tried my best to be amicable, and affable during my unemployment, and I do respect what situation he’s in. However, I don’t know how this is making it any better, because the minute I get a job, I’m going to make preparations to leave. It’s gotten to a point where we barely speak to each other, because I know the minute we do we will argue. It’s not like I don’t do anything around the house, I clean, I even still pay the electric bill, not to mention as well as most of the food.
I mean he does have a well paying job in the fact he could reasonable sustain himself on a budget with his salary if he lived on his own. He’s been like this for years, I mean I can count the times he’s been nice to me, but the majority of the times when I’m buying food or giving him money.
Also on a minor note, it’s getting kinda weird, I feel like a domestic housewife with an abusive husband, and when I’m thinking along those strange, strange lines, I know I’ve got to talk to somebody. So what do I do now?
I pay the electric and most of the food out of my government allowance. The things I don’t pay are the rent and council tax however after I lost my job I did pay the water bill which was 200 pounds. It’s not like I’m not contributing anything, I’m at least trying to make my unemployment as painless as possible.
Being your brother, you would think he could be more compassionate.
I wish I had some good advice, other than stay out of his way and see what you can do about changing your employment eventually. Some folks are just miserable anyway, and you are a convenient “reason” with him right now.
I’ll offer a suggestion that cuts your brother a little slack, but it may or may not be the truth in this case.
I’m kind of uncomfortable having guests in my home. I’m happy to see them arrive, but even happier to see them leave. I get very uncomfortable having overnight guests. The idea of someone moving in, especially for an indefinite amount of time, gives me the willies. And it has nothing to do with my friends and family – it’s most definitely me. While I’m trying to be more social, I am at heart an introvert. I love nothing more than to be the sole inhabitant of my own space. Other people in my fortress just make me uncomfortable.
Not to be callous, but it doesn’t really matter. What matters is your response to him - even if you are kind of sponging off of him, that doesn’t give him the right to be miserable to you. If you need to defend your boundaries with him, do so. If the only thing that will “fix” your relationship is you moving somewhere else, work on that and move when you can (and try not to kill him in the meantime).
Hey, I’ll ask you a question, did you even read my OP? I said this has been going on before I was unemployed. Idiot. I’m no dead beat either, so take that as well on the horse you rode in on. Ok?
I see what you mean, and I do like my own space as well, however, we moved in and shared the flat since 2009, and we’ve lived in a shared apartment since we moved out in 2007.
Sounds like you’ll be doing both of you a favor if you move out the minute you get a job. Under the best of circumstances, it’s challenging to live with somebody; unemployment just adds to the stress.
You compare yourselves to a married couple, but you’re not. You’ve made no commitment to remain together or help support each other. Get out as soon as you can and you might have a shot at repairing your relationship.
How was your reletionship before you moved in together? You said he was treating you this way even before you became unemployed. Did it gradually deteriorate over time, or did it start all of a sudden?
Tell us, back when you were working were you contributing 50% of the household expenses? Or just contributing? Oh, and how old are you? Your brother?
There are a lot of people who will feel that if you’re an adult, and not completely paying your own way in life, you’re a deadbeat. That’s just how it is.
Does any of this give your brother the right to treat you this way? Not the way you’ve presented it. But you have a simple recourse. Find another place to stay. There must be other alternatives, cousins, friends, parents, shelters, something.
Sometimes, when things start to go wrong, I start looking for more things that are going wrong. It seems like that’s kind of what you’re doing here - you’re looking for things about your brother that you can complain about, but that don’t really matter to the situation.
You could try sitting down and having both of you lay out clear expecations for each other: I will pay for X, you will pay for Y, I will spend Z hours per day trying to find gainful employment. It might help, but you both have to be respectful adults about the agreement.
Frankly, it doesn’t sound like either of you respects the other.
I don’t mean that to sound snarky or judgemental - he hasn’t earned your respect, or else he earned it a long time ago and has since then lost it. But from your description, I don’t think you have his respect either.
That’s the thing, he’s always quick to anger and always complaining and whining constantly, it’s punctuated by moments of kindness, but it’s not enough, it just constantly dissapoints me. Like for instance I try to be nice with him, try to be considerate, but he constantly throws it back in my face, so it’s like in the end ‘what’s the point?’ because I get hardly any reciprication, hell even a normal civilized conversation or respectful exchanges would be nice. I really do hate him, but at the same time feel sorry for him.
Yeah I paid half the rent, so did he. I’m 24, and he’s 26.
Forget it, it’s not that I myself wouldn’t do that, it’s the fact my brother would laugh in my face in me requesting me to do that. Not to mention ignoring anything I suggest to him, which he does regulary.
the irrelevant part merely gives the reader the background of what he’s like and as to whether it contributes to him being miserable, it’s not something that really bothers me.
Ok then - how about this - your brother is a miserable bastard because he hates you and thinks you’re a lazy sot that doesn’t pull his own weight and he resents that he moved in with you in the first place.
I’ll be honest in spite of the danger of being called an idiot - you both sound like children, and you should probably be separated so you’ll stop fighting.