So he thought it would be a good idea at the time, it didn’t really work out, now he has the trouble of a roommate AND not much of the financial benefit, but he can’t ask you to leave without feeling like a giant dick and a bad brother. He’s sick of your face, it happens and it doesn’t mean anyone did anything “wrong” to cause the situation.
Both of you sound pretty unhappy to me, which isnt a great recipe for domestic bliss.
Some people just dont live well together, if it is him you cant fix that, if its you, it means you’re trying to avoid responsibility by focussing on what wrong with him. If its both of you, this isnt a marriage, and theres no real need to ‘make it work’.
Move out, it removes the potential sponging argument, and also means the next time you see each other will be because you want to, not because you have to.
Otara
Well, electric and food hardly make up for not paying rent, unless your rent is freakishly cheap. I don’t know much about renting in Britain but I’m guessing he is paying the lions share of the expenses.
That is bound to rankle after a while. I am trying to imagine carrying my brother like that, all while he snarked at me and judged me for being overweight and not having a social life that was to his liking. I love my brother dearly, but this situation would not end well for either of us.
Have you thought about moving back in with your parents instead of mooching off of your brother? While that would suck too, it might be a little better as they are used to taking care of you, whereas ideally siblings as close in age as you two are should be more like equals.It sounds like you are really damaging your relationship with your brother, which is a real shame.
Maybe your brother is that way because, well, that’s just the way he is. Either the two of you are just not compatible, or he’s just a difficult person in general, and there’s no real deeper explanation or solution.
I’m frequently reminded, when I encounter difficult people, of the ending to the Simpsons episode “Bart Gets an Elephant,” which ends with the elephant, Stampy, in a wildlife refuge, jerkishly butting the other elephants.
Why did you move in with him if he’s always treated you this badly?
I don’t know about you, but if I’m to the point where I’m sick of someone’s face, I’m not going to be held back by feelings of propriety. If I’ve gotten that far, then something needs to be dealt with.
I also submit that, if you refuse to address the situation, then you have no right to treat the other person poorly because of it. That’s what I would consider “wrong.”
This doesn’t make sense to me. IF you hate someone, where does the feeling of obligation come from?
I submit he doesn’t quite hate you, but finds you just as annoying as you find him. He’s not really “sick of your face”, because that would also be hatred, but tired of dealing with the situation.
And if neither one of you will bring it up, then it’s going to continue. And may get worse.
I think it may be the other way around…the feelings of obligation with little return on the investment have led to resentment, if not fullblown hatred.
Then again, I’m of the theory that we never really “hate” someone we haven’t loved first, so that may be biasing my views of this couple of guys I’ve never met. I have no idea if anyone really hates anyone here; my brain fills in “resent” in place of “hate” in Lanzy’s post.
He’s probably miserable with his own life and a bit envious over what he sees as your wonderful get-to-be-lazy days. Even if it’s not true. Even if you’re out working just as hard trying to find work (which I’m sure you are!) he may not see it that way. Despite your pitching in what you can, he may feel overwhelmed by paying a larger share of the rent.
I love my brother dearly but I don’t think I could live with him as adults. We both have quirks that would rub each other the wrong way. Keep quiet and patient, look for work, and when you find it maybe things will improve. If not you’ll have your money in order to find a new place to live.
It may not even be you. He may just be miserable with his lot in life, and you’re seeing it more now, and he’s expressing it more now. You’d think the constant weed smoking would put him in a cheerier mood.
I don’t know about their relationship, but it sounds like they originally moved in to the flat together. If that’s so, I can see why ryan feels put upon. They probably started out thinking they could each do their own thing until one of them got married/moved in with an SO. Of course, it doesn’t always work out that way.
Exactly, it wasn’t as if my brother took me in at a great burden, we both agreed to move in, just that his attitude stinks and it’s getting harder and harder to talk to him as a normal human being.
Just to add note, I did briefly move out at one point and live on my own, he seemed to have no qualms about being able to sustain himself, so it’s not as if he’s never lived on his own before.
Well then, perhaps he’s struggling because while he took you back in, and is helping meet your expenses, he discovered he liked living alone better, and simply misses it. Is cranky and unhappy because it’s not your fault, it’s his own, he took you back in. So he doesn’t want to throw you out on your can, is probably glad to be helping you, his family, and, at the same time resents not only not having his own world anymore but being judged by you, too fat, unsocial, smokes too much weed. Surely you can see how it would rub someone the wrong way to be so judged when providing you a place to live?
[Moderator Note]This may be your thread, but this is still IMHO, not The BBQ Pit, so tone it down.[/Moderator Note]
My guess is that he just doesn’t like you and only agreed to take you in out of an obligation to support his family. No one is obligated to like everyone, even their siblings. It can be that you just aren’t his type and he finds you incredibly annoying, but doesn’t want to say anything to you directly because he feels some sort of obligation to support you.
Now that you haven’t had a job for four months he’s trying to passive aggressively get you to find one and move out. Reminding you that you’re worthless might be his misguided way of trying to motivate you into getting a job. His constant insults toward you might be his passive aggressive way of telling you he doesn’t like you. It’s possible he just can’t tell you he doesn’t like living with you directly because then that would make the situation between you two worst - now he won’t be able to pretend that he likes you and things might become hostile all the time.
It’s not a good situation for either of you. Without knowing why he doesn’t like you it’s hard to give advice on how you can change his behavior. I think the best course of action would be to get a job and to move out. If you want to live with his support you’ll have to deal with the fact that he doesn’t like living with you and you won’t be able to change that.
Again, his brother didn’t take him in. They moved in together. And earlier on, the brother was the unemployed one for a while. Now, if Ryan’s recent unemployment was the impetus for his moving back in after having lived separately for a while, then I can understand. But it didn’t start out that way.
I have given this some thought. I’m old school and your not going to like it but you asked. You sound young and we learn through our mistakes so hopefully this will be a lesson for you.
First of all writing crappy things about your brother online is a huge turn off and shows you to be of low character.
1st life lesson- You never bite the hand that feeds you unless you are a low life. Never, Be it a boss, a spouse or a family member. Why? Because you will end up on the street, without a paycheck or alone in short order. It takes effort to keep a roof over your head. I have zero sympathy for you and I think it is time for you to grow the hell up. Your biting off your own nose to spite your face!
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Relationships are a two way street. If you want to keep your brother in your life get a job and pay your way or move in with a friend and get out of his home. You can also live in a homeless shelter and that may give you some appreciation.
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“We don’t live on love in this house! Love is all fine and dandy but it takes money to pay the bills”.
I made plenty of mistakes growing up but I learned from them. I gotta go to work now.
If this is an irrelevant detail, why did you include it? You neglected to mention what color shirt you were wearing while you composed the OP, or what you’d eaten for breakfast the previous day. Perhaps because these issues have no bearing on whether or not your brother is such a “miserable bastard,” yet you included your being unemployed, which you say *also *has no bearing?
So I highlight the character traits of my brother to provide a lowdown on what I’m dealing with and that makes me someone with ‘poor character’?
Hey Percival if you even bothered to read what I wrote in the OP, I said this is what he has been like BEFORE, that’s right BEFORE I lost my job.
Gee, I dunno. Your cool, calm demeanor and talent for getting along with others is sure obvious in this thread.
I’m merely pointing out that is what my brother is like, and whether or not it would contribute to him being the way with me. It doesn’t bother me in real life, coz if that’s what he wants to do then that’s what he wants to do.
Because he has been like this when I was in employment too, so it’s not just about me being out of work this making him like this, he’s always been like this and I’m tired of wondering why. Me being unemployed is only a part of it.