Another "how do we get this person out of our house?" post.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I moved here to CA 2 years ago to live with my boyfriend. We live together in his house and I contribute to the household expenses. Last November, his brother (We’ll call him Brother) was complaining about money and my Boyfriend (Let’s call him BF) asked me what I thought about him letting Brother stay with us “while he saves money for his wedding in March”. I was not crazy at all about the idea- I’m not crazy about Brother. A while later BF came back to me and said, “What about this scenario: Brother would pay me $XX/month, and how about I give you the money so that you can pay off some debts, get your tooth fixed ($$$ tooth implant), and that way it’ll make dealing with this a little bit easier for you”

You can commence to reply now and tell me I should have NEVER agreed to be “paid off” for an arrangement that I wasn’t crazy about, in fact—never mind, because I’ve said it so many times to myself, it’s etched into my brain already.

So, Brother moves in, and months go by with nary a cent given to BF for the rent. BF mentions this to him and gets a song/dance about how broke Brother is and something is wrong with his car and some unavoidable expense came up (try to forget that he had $110 of disposable income to get in on a Super Bowl pool, though…) BF lets it slide as only a loving brother would. Meanwhile I feel completely shafted. But I take it like a champ, and try to put on my best charitable face, and try to remember that Boyfriend owns our house and this is a family situation for him.

Fast forward to now, SEVEN months later. Brother decided in February to move back the wedding date to July, and then in April his fiancee called off the wedding. Not one dime in rent has been paid, Brother has taken 4 trips that I can remember in these last 7 months. Once to Hawaii, once to Arizona for several days, once on a 5 day ocean fishing trip, and once to visit some buddies in the Midwest. He STILL complains about how broke he is, he complains that the housekeeper doesn’t clean his bathroom well enough (he’s a pig- she does the best she can), he makes the house reek (nose-hair burning reek) of his disgusting cologne, walks back and forth in his underwear (imagine 350 lb hairy Sasquatch), and other than that tries to be as nice as possible to extend BF’s charity as long as he can. Because he’s a Taker, and I’ve discovered that, sadly, BF is a F-ing Pushover when it comes to family. Don’t try to get over on BF in business, but if you share DNA, you can screw him as hard as you want, apparently. BF wants him out, too, but he doesn’t want to make an enemy, and Brother is very good at writing off people who don’t play the way he wants them to. Apparently (I find this out NOW), Brother has gotten “taken care of” his whole life, and he will go to extreme lengths to get his way and keep a good thing going for himself.

For the last 4 weeks, I have been a royal pain in the ass, pushing BF to “have the talk” with Brother about his needing to move out in July. I want him to have PLENTY of notice so that he can’t claim that the concept of wearing out his welcome was sprung on him last minute- because he will. I have taken a firm stand that he is NOT going to live in our house after July, having all kinds of crazy fantasies about moving into a motel on August 1 to make concrete the fact that I’ll not live here while he is. Finally, this last weekend, BF took Brother to dinner and had “the talk”. Brother went on and on about how he can’t afford to live by himself and that all of his friends are married, so he doesn’t have any roommate options. BF said he needs to make a plan, and that BF will even give him some money to set him up in an apartment (probably the ONLY way we can get him out of our house). However, if Brother doesn’t even make the effort to try to find a place or arrangement, a monetary offer is meaningless. I fear, badly, a standoff.

I have chosen to stay out of it, but at some point I feel like vocalizing my feelings to Brother might help to light a fire under his ass, as it were. This stresses me out daily, because I feel like I have no control over the outcome, and I see no foreseeable end to this.

Do I have the right to say something to him? I don’t care if he hates me, in fact, I told BF he could blame it ALL on me so that the familial relationship could be saved. Believe me- when he doesn’t get his way, SOMEBODY is going to be hated.

p.s. Did I mention that Brother is FORTY FIVE years old?

sigh, I just wanted to get all this off my chest. Thanks for making it through the rambling. Share your thoughts, or just feel the schadenfreude… :smiley:

2

Sorry about your situation.

Sadly sometimes leeches pop up in families and decent people get confused over their feelings.
Nevertheless it is bewildering to me how your boyfriend just lets the situation get gradually worse and worse.

I guess you have these options:

  • nag boyfriend more (this won’t work)
  • tell boyfriend you have emptied your joint bank account and given it to leech brother ‘because he needs it more’ (sarcastic, probably a bad idea)
  • place leech brother’s things on sidewalk and change locks (justified, probably a bad idea)
  • move out yourself (bothersome, but effective)

Good luck - you’re going to need it.

3
  1. Wait until boyfriend’s brother is off on one off his trips.

2a) You and bf move with no forwarding address.

2b) Burn down the house.

At the tail end of your post, it sounded like you were making progress on getting him out. You need to make clear to him the last step: on August 1st, you are changing the locks, and his stuff will be out of the house - on the sidewalk if necessary. Set a drop-dead date and stick to it.

4

I’d move out.

Seriously. It’s been seven months; your boyfriend has to learn to take a stand with his brother or you’ll be dealing with him as long as you and boyfriend are together.

Seven months is more than enough time to work this thing out. Now you need to calmly make a date and stick to it. Go apartment shopping with the full intent that you are moving out. Stop pestering boyfriend about his brother.

He’ll either figure out how to get brother out of his house or he won’t. If he won’t, then you are spared a life of living with your boyfriend and his brother. But I’m guessing when push comes to shove, he’ll find a way to get him out.

Good luck.

5

Sorry. In many states, the lump boyfriend’s brother has been in the house long enough that he’s legally entitled to be there, and unless he goes willingly, can only kicked out by legal eviction. Kicking him to the curb and changing the locks will, in that case, result in civil and criminal problems.

I think the whole idea of domestic rights by squatting is reprehensible, but it’s a reality in many jurisdictions, and something to be taken into account.

6

So, you’re saying burn down the house?

Yeah, you’re right. I thought of that after I posted and checked the OPs location, and if there is any state like that, I think it’d be California. Athena’s advice is probably best.

7

What Athena said. BF made a deal with you that he has not enforced. It is clear where his loyalties lie. You need to be prepared to go your own way.

8

Forty five? FORTY FIVE? Who does this guy think he is?

I was hoping to have some thoughtful suggestions by the end of reading your OP, but forty-freakin-five put me right over the edge into righteous indignation.

9

I’m going with move out. You can’t change the situation, you’re in a relationship with a boy (not man) who can’t stand up for his woman, despite knowing how unhappy his woman is, but you can tremendously lower your stress level by getting out.

Look at it this way…if this is the way it is when you’re living together, what will it be like when you’re married? Most likely exactly the same, but a helluva lot more difficult to extricate yourself.

Why wait until August?

10

Another vote for moving out.

11

Yup, MOVE OUT.

12

Move out, then burn the house down. It’s up to you to decide if you want to let BF move in with you.

13

If you’re not on the lease, hit the silk & get out of that burning wreck. Rent ‘Pacific Heights’ and run,run, run…! If you are on the lease where you are, make BF (and brother) aware you are not renewing that lease and will be moving out once it has expired.

Once you are in your own place, and once you are the only person on that place’s lease, then consider who you might want to have a relationship with and on what terms. (make damn sure all are aware that where you are moving to is a ‘no burned-hair Sasquatch zone’.)

14

My brother has bummed places to live his entire life. Serial bumming.
So my advice is don’t wait for that change to come from the bum.
Get tough.

15

Move in with a good friend or relative for a bit, if possible, to show BF you’re serious (moving out completely may be a little much, but I’m lazy). If he chooses Brother over you, well…

16

Yes, you need to make it clear to your BF that SOMEONE is moving out of the house on August 1st, and one of them takes sex privileges away :). (Dear God I hope it’s only one of them…)

You haven’t mentioned it, but if you and BF are in a Significant Other, commited type of relationship, then I would feel that you get some say in who moves into your house and who doesn’t. If not, then you can’t force him to evict his brother, and being pasive aggressive to the brother who is in your house with the support of BF, is only going to make you the enemy. Let BF know that you have realized you can only control your own situation, and come August 1st you will be out of there.

Make sure he knows that in order to be out by August 1st, you’ll probably have to sign a lease, etc earlier, so the consequences will be set in stone much earlier than 8/1.

17

BF and I are definitely significant others, and definitely committed to this relationship for the long haul. So I don’t think he would CHOOSE Brother over me, but I DO think he would allow Brother to weasel for a while, just because he doesn’t want things to get ugly.

If I were never in the picture, then I could see BF allowing Brother to live here a lot longer, just because BF’s personal privacy isn’t compromised as much as mine (not speaking of relationship privacy here, which we both agree is compromised), because to BF, Brother is, well, his moochy brother, but to me, Brother is a big, fat, lazy, spoiled, ungrateful, disrespectful, selfish, advantage-taking, moochy louse, and I have a LOT less tolerance for that because the dude isn’t related to me.

So I GET the personal conflict for BF. I really do get it. I know he wishes I would just suck it up until, at some point, Brother gets out, even if I had to suck it up for a while longer than Aug 1 (note that he would NEVER say this to me- he is a kind, loving boyfriend, but I know he thinks it) and I’m trying to be patient and confident that Brother is going to take the “talk” seriously and respect the generosity we’ve given for the last 7 months and take his shit somewhere else, but I just have a feeling that it’s going to get worse before it gets better. And I feel like I need to stand by my boundaries.

I like crazyjoe’s advice the best: letting them both know that SOMEBODY’S moving out August 1st, and it had better not be me, and letting them know that now. Saying it simply, when we are all in the same room together, making sure that they’re paying full attention and see I’m dead serious. And letting it go from there- wherever it may.

I just wish I didn’t have to be the asshole in this situation, but I think somebody does…

18

You are not the asshole. Moochy slob brother has dibs on that role.

19

What the hell do you think he’s been doing for the past seven months??? He may be a kind, loving BF, but is this a man you want for the long haul? One who lets people mooch off him because he’s afraid of a confrontation?

Face it, babe. You’re in love with a weakling. Either you tell Brother to move out or you move out, because sure as hell your boyfriend isn’t doing it.

20

You’re not being an asshole, you’re asking for your life the way you like it. And BF can either give you that life, (doesn’t he love you? he does? then good!) or give his brother the life he wants. And trust me, down the road when BF needs something it’s not going to be his brother who sticks by him.

The beautiful thing about LTRs, be they a strong healthy marriage or a relationship like you and your BF and me and my SO have, is that the other person is there for you. In the long run, the person he’ll want is you not the brother, and he doesn’t see how this is damaging the relationship (I don’t think).

Other than that, what everyone else said.