Need help, and fast.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I posted this on a pit thread a few days ago.

*My hubby, myself, and our two children live with my mother-in-law. Hubby is her oldest son, and he takes care of her full-time. She cannot walk very well. He makes sure she gets baths, food, clean laundry, transports to doctor visits, etc. He also manages her finances and makes sure her part of the household bills are paid. I work outside the home, and help with what I can, but I do pay several of the household bills. It works out for all five of us.

Hubby has a younger sister who lives 10 miles away, and a younger brother who lives in the same house with all of us. Sis has come over about 5 times since January 1, and never for longer than an hour. Bro works full time, does not help in the slightest around the house: he does nothing for her, pays no bills, does no cleaning, etc. Meanwhile, we have sacrificed a great deal of our freedom by doing what we’re doing: even though we know it’s our duty to help care for her, since we’'re family, our kids don’t quite understand, and it’s not fair to them.

When we moved back in, our deal was that I would at least get the electric bill, and bro would get the cable bill. He stopped paying it several months back, and MIL and I have been taking turns with it. He said he would pay it, but he wanted her checkbook and debit card. Both MIL and hubby told him no: bro is never around, and we need to make sure the house note is paid on. MIL is making sure bro has no access to the checking account at all. *

This part’s new. Things are coming to a head. Since I had to pay the cable, water, gas, electric (which in itself was $300) and my storage room, we have very little money left in our account. I told my husband it was either him or us. I get a bonus in November, and we will be out before the end of the year: sooner if we need to. MIL called bro and said he either needs to contribute money to the household or he needs to leave.

Bro has a temper, and one of the reasons nothing’s been done so far is MIL is afraid of him. I’m tired of paying all the utilities. He takes showers: he uses the cable and the internet: he washes and dries clothes here. I need to have the internet for my job: otherwise, I would have the cable shut off, get Direct TV and just not get a converter for him. Right now, I need to get two books for my kids, but that’s not going to happen this paycheck because he won’t do his part. I draw the line when I can’t take care of my kid’s needs because of him.

When he comes home, I’ve told both kids to come in my bedroom so I can make sure they don’t get yelled at or hurt. Hubby and MIL are going to tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to help out financially or leave. MIL is ready to file eviction papers: if she has to evict him, he’ll have a hard time getting a decent apartment. I am prepared to call 911 if the situation escalates and get a restraining order to protect my MIL and my children.

I’m scared. I want to make sure I’m doing the right thing. I trust you guys, for support if nothing else. I have a legal plan at work, but I can’t reach them today: that will need to wait til Monday.

Thanks for reading. Support/recommendations are happily accepted.

2

You’re absolutely doing the right thing. People that freeload only do so because others let them. It’s not your job to help a healthy, able adult survive in this world. There’s a difference between being a pillar of support and a doormat when it come to family members.

As for the temper thing, IME, it’s all bark and no bite. He’ll throw a fit not out of anger, but as a way to get you to change your mind. Stay strong and it’ll all blow over. Then again, I don’t know this guy. So it’s definitely a good idea to have a plan for police help if you think you’ll need it.

3

Know any networking? The router could be told to ignore the MAC address of his computer untill he pays fo the service.
Just sayin…

4

I don’t understand the part where you and your husband are going to move out and kick your brother-in-law out - wouldn’t just kicking him out solve the problems? Doesn’t your mother-in-law still need lots of help?

5

Not meaning to speak for** Juliana**, but I thought she meant that was the other option, in “it’s either him or us”. In other words, they can be out by the end of the year if husband doesn’t confront the brother and deal with the situation.

6

thirdwarning has it right on the dot. If he doesn’t go, then I take the kids and leave: knowing full well that hubby will come with me. This will leave bro and sis to take care of MIL. And we all know how that will end up. Bro has been looking for a reason to put MIL in a nursing home. As long as she is in her right mind, and we can take care of her, then she should be able to stay in her own home.

BIL is out for a while, at least. We still need to go out and buy those books for the kids, but I am afraid to leave MIL alone for an hour. He may be all bark and no bite, or he may decide to come home and trash the place. I don’t know. I hope to God Chessic Sense is right.

Thanks so far, y’all. I appreciate the feedback. And we hadn’t thought about ignoring the MAC address, The Vorlon: but that’s a wonderful idea…

7

You could always cancel the cable for a month or two. Saves money!

8

She already said she needs the internet for her job or she would have cut it already.
For what it’s worth, I agree with your stance. If you can’t afford to buy books for your kids, especially, but regardless, if he’s living there and using things, he should pay like all the other adults.

Good for you for helping your MIL stay in her home. I’m sure it’s difficult, but you’re doing a good thing.

Best of luck that BIL will either pitch in or get out - and do it peacefully.

9

Sorry to hear all this!

I think MiL is right to look at this from a legal eviction POV. IANAL and YMMV but he probably has some sort of tenant rights. I’d get some legal advice on that; I don’t think most evictions require lawyers in court etc. so hopefully going to court won’t be an extra financial burden. I think you really want him out before you leave so he can’t harass her.

I’d be mindful of never being alone with him and I’d instruct your kids not to allow that to happen either. E.g. if he makes a threat (or worse), I’d want a witness and someone to call 911 if need be.

You mention not wanting to leave her alone while you’re out buying books. I wonder if you need to reframe that issue: what if you have to leave her alone? You don’t mention your kids’ ages but if there’s an emergency at school or something forcing you to leave, you wouldn’t have a choice.

Any neighbors you could prevail on, in an emergency, to watch MiL and/or the kids? If your neighbors are friendly, you might consider giving them an inkling of what’s going on…it could be useful, having those extra eyes watching the place. There is some potential downside, like gossip or one of the neighbors inadvertantly letting BiL know what’s going on. Something to consider, especially AFTER you move out and aren’t there 24/7 to protect MiL.

In a pinch, could you take MiL with you, even if she just sat in the car for a few minutes? Maybe you could put some keyed doorknobs on bedroom door(s) to make a rudimentary “safe room” inside the house? Maybe you could carry some pepper spray in your purse?

Of course, it would be a good idea to document. A friend of mine was in a lawsuit and her lawyer told her to get a hardbound journal. Reason: you can tell if pages were torn out or not. He also told her to write in pen one day, pencil the next, mix it up—that way it doesn’t look like it was all written the day before you went to court. In the documentation vein, I wonder if carrying a camera or voice recorder might help. You could play back his screaming tirade for the court, for instance. OTOH it might be inadmissible or simply escalate the drama.

Good luck!

10

You’re planning to change the locks as soon as he’s out, right?

11

(massive amounts of great advice snipped: I read every word, and didn’t want to quote the entire thing.)

When hubby does have to leave MIL alone, BIL is at work. He has to go pick up the kids every day: and since our daughter is a type 1 diabetic, there are times he needs to go to school and take insulin for her pump. Our kids are 11 and 10: both fifth graders at the same school. He certainly can take MIL with him, if need be. It does take planning: because of her situation, she can’t just get up and walk out on a moment’s notice. Hubby went to get books today, and I stayed with MIL just in case trouble happened. We sadly don’t know any of our neighbors, and we’d have to be mindful of who could take care of our daughter’s needs in a pinch. We have already informed the school at the beginning of the year that BIL is not allowed to pick the kids up.

I have a voice recorder that I can have ready in an instant, and a hardback journal is a great idea and happens to be something I have handy. I will take that advice gladly.

She would have to legally evict him. I know that since he calls this place home, and receives his mail here, he is a legal resident and would have to be legally evicted. I will be using my legal plan and getting advice on this on Monday.

We don’t want to have to move out, because she will end up in a nursing home, and MIL does not want that. I work in the elder care industry, and I know it’s a less expensive proposition to have her stay in her own home than to have her put in a nursing home. I love this woman like she was my own mom, and would do anything to take care of her.

Absolutely. And the code for the garage. It will be nice to get the garage back. That’s another story. There is a two car garage. BIL just bought a new car: he still has his old one, and both of his cars are parked in the garage. MIL’s car and our car get parked outside in the driveway. Now that may seem petty on my part, but honestly that ticks me off.

12

Glad you think it could help! After posting I realized that the “safe room” notion could also be useful when you have to leave her alone. When hubby leaves, she’s safely locked up…when he comes back, she comes out.

And if you’re planning to change the exterior locks anyway later, it wouldn’t have to be a waste, buying locks. If you can swing it, plan ahead to get a same-keyed set for the two exterior doors.

Understood…she’s very lucky to have you. My mom lives in fear of being put into a home and we’re keeping an eye on her because she seems to be starting to lose her memory. I’m sure for many people, moving into a home just breaks their spirit.

I don’t think it’s petty, FWIW. Ditto on him not pitching in, helping maintain the place, etc. If they won’t do it just because it’s the right thing, people in his position (will have a hard time getting an apartment) ought to be model housemates so they don’t get kicked out. I really can’t figure people sometimes.

13

Many jurisdictions have enacted laws to protect the elderly; it’s likely that your MIL qualifies (I’m guessing she’s “elderly” based on your description of her ailment and the ages of your kids). Some district attorneys and police departments also have people who work specifically on elder abuse issues. From what I’m reading, I’d say her son could be considered to engage in financial abuse and, perhaps, verbal abuse. I don’t know your jurisdiction (and I’m sure I’m not licensed in it, and I’m not your lawyer, you’re not my client – this is just general information), but you could call the police for advice as well. There could be some value in seeking a restraining order, assuming that there are facts to support it. Restraining orders are remarkably effective in providing a cooling off period, which could help.

Best of luck to you.

14

I’d go talk to the local police to let them know what’s going on. I don’t think they’d do anything at this point but at least they have your version of the story, delivered calmly and credibly. They may also have some tips for you.

If nothing ever comes of BiL’s grumbling, great…but if the situation escalates, you’ve established yourself to the police as a reasonable person following appropriate channels. At some point, if BiL is getting out of control you might stop him by saying, “Hey, we’ve already talked to the police. And a lawyer.”

15

Absolutely not. What happens if there’s a fire? What if she has a stroke?

How much is the non-paying brother earning? If he’s earning good money then he absolutely must contribute.

And do get to know the neighbours.

16

What if the BiL starts smacking her around? Which is more likely?

ETA: It’s all a calculated risk. If they key the door, they have an option that they might elect to use—or might not.

I think too it could send a message to BiL: if they’re willing to put a key/lock on that door, he’ll know they’re willing to do the same to the exterior house doors.

17

Seriously. Cancel the cable, disable the internet on his box. Save some money, and it’ll mean he has less to do lying around the house. Might get him motivated to get a job.

18

He does have a job. I don’t know how much he makes, and he doesn’t know how much I make. But I’m thinking he probably makes close to what I do: he gets overtime in his job, where I don’t, and I have three other people to support where he only has himself.

I am prepared to get a restraining order if I have to. I will do what I need to do to protect my family, especially my children. MIL is almost 70, BTW.

BIL came home last night and went straight to his room. He left today for work without saying a word to anyone. He’s more stupid than I thought if he thinks avoiding the issue will make it go away. It won’t. He contributes or he’s out. End of story.

Thanks, y’all. I appreciate you!

19

I don’t know if this is helpful or not but…you can get cable Internet without cable TV. That’s what I have (I, too, need Internet for work) and it’s $45/mo. I think my brother and my parents pay upwards of $120 or $150/mo to have all their fancy cable TV along with Internet.

I know cable is great for kids in the summer, and especially for hubby and MIL if they’re stuck home all day…but you can get all sorts of DVDs from the library for free for them to watch, and at least save a few bucks a month to spend on your necessities, and to keep from feeling like BIL is taking advantage of you with the cable bill.

20

That really is the bottom line - there is no good reason for a healthy, working adult to be living with his mother and contributing nothing. Since he sounds like a very disturbing influence in the home, I’d say he needs to get out regardless - your not healthy mother-in-law, your young children, and you and your husband don’t need to live a life of walking on eggshells because of this guy.

Best of luck to you in getting his bad attitude out of the house.