We are seriously considering this. MIL is moving phone service to cable, which will cut down dramatically on the phone bill, so that will help. We like to have cable or some kind of equivalent because we really don’t get out of the house much: we don’t get to go to movies or anything without needing to plan around taking care of MIL.
Agreed. The kids are picking up annoying habits that I don’t want them to pick up. And it’s pretty darn sad that they have to keep away from their uncle completely. But that’s the way it has to be for now. Maybe if I can get them to practice their instruments at 6am, we could get him out faster…
Why is financial contribution to the household even an issue? You and your children are living with someone that you are afraid of becoming physical. Contributing to the power bill isn’t going to mitigate that.
I’ll agree with you there. He needs to be on his own, which is the end goal of this whole thing. Then he can scream and yell all he wants. So far, that is all he’s done, then he goes and sulks in his room for a while. I am afraid of what he could be capable of - but I do know that he will be dealt with, and I know how to dial 911.
You need to look at it from the “I’m paying for this” POV but also realize that what you do doesn’t seem likely to affect him. E.g. you mentioned that he came in, went to his room, and left later without saying a word. It sounds like he never accessed the TV (unless he has it in his room) and if you shut it off he wouldn’t miss it anyway. If that’s the case, it isn’t going to goad him into paying.
That said, you might look down the road a bit (if you can afford to). I mean, if you’re going to disconnect and then presumably reconnect when he leaves, well the installation/connection fees can add up, and maybe you have to commit to a year of some other service that you don’t want etc. Maybe it’s something that will need to be done anyway, given the financial situation when he leaves, so the sooner the better—but if not, and if it isn’t a stick to get him out, are you shooting yourself in the foot? Just a thought.
Yeah, I really think people “teach” their kids things by modeling them. It’s a subtle, subconscious process. The more he’s around, pulling crap and getting away with it, the more they could start down a path you won’t like.
Agreed, there’s some truth here. However, it’s a shame we can’t always afford (financially, emotionally, or in other ways) to do what we think is right. In this economy especially I think we have to be mindful of that.
And in all fairness to the OP, it sounds like a deal was made in good faith on their part but not on his. When that happens, people have little chance of realizing the full cost till later on.
All that said, the writing’s on the wall now. He contributes nothing and detracts severely from the quality of life…there’s just nothing redeeming about letting him stay. It’s great that the rest of the household are in agreement on this and working together.
Agreed. And I didn’t mean to sound dismissive of that reality. I have been in this (not exact, but similar) situation before (with an ex, so take this with a grain of salt) and it turns out that (1) we’re doing it without his contribution before he “changed” and (2) not feeding and housing someone that does nothing to contribute but does make it easier without any financial contribution.
I guess I am just thinking that even if he got a wonderful job that contributed $2000 a month to the household it wouldn’t be worth it in the long run. So think long term planning without this creep.
Right, I suspected something along those lines but wanted to clarify. And you’re right, the money is no substitute for feeling safe in your own home.
If they had a written agreement (?), his not paying would almost be a blessing in disguise. Then it would be demonstrable in a court of law and would seem like a slam dunk—“You didn’t honor the terms of the agreement, buh bye!” Saying “He’s abusive” or whatever could turn into one person’s word against the other and might be nebulous to a judge.
There are plenty of options that are cheaper than cable if you have a good internet connection - Hulu or Netflix to start. If you have any specific shows you want to watch, one or the other might have them the day after airing. They’re also very convenient if you have to start and stop.
I would agree with those who say your husband is the one who has to man up here. This is his brother and his mom. It’s also his wife and kids who are being affected. He needs to simply inform his brother that his lease is up, and that he will be leaving with the aid of the cops or without them. It’s completely unacceptable for this sullen sponge to take money away from your kids.
The ultimatum has happened. He’s been given a couple of days to tell us what he wants to do.
It may be his mom and his brother, but it’s her house. That ultimatum and any eviction/legal action had to come from her, and you can imagine how hard it was for a mom to have to do that to her own kid, no matter how obnoxious he is. However, as I said, he starts yelling around my kids, I have no qualms about calling 911.
I have had to move out of more than one apartment for similar reasons, and that was before I had a family.
Then the same sort of thing happened with the ex, and me and my daughter had to move out of that one, as well- with no money and only friends to rely on, we couch surfed for a few days and spent time in a shelter until we got another apartment, but it was that important to get out immediately.
I don’t regret it, and living my life without that kind of drain makes me so happy that I wonder how I ever lasted through it so long!
I’ve been there too, with an ex. I actually had to get a restraining order against him. I don’t regret that, either: so I understand how you feel. There’s no way I will live like this much longer.
Don’t worry: I will update as needed. I really appreciate all the help, advice and good thoughts in this thread.
