Kels, we’ve missed you. I’m so sorry to hear that things aren’t going good for your mom. I know the hope that you harbored and how much you have celebrated each and every small improvement through time. Moms are so special to us and it’s so hard to give them up. Three years ago I lost my mom and to this day I still cry. Not to bring you down or make you feel worse by saying this, but just to let you know that it’s ok and normal. Don’t expect too much of yourself, just do what is best for you.
Concerning your friend, it sounds like she has love and concern for you, but she’s just not very good at expressing it. Under different circumstances you would probably handle it and deal with it, but right now it’s not something that you need to be dealing with.
Maybe the best thing to do right now instead of cutting the ties with this friend, is to just send her an email note telling her that right now you are dealing with your mom and you want to focus all your attention there and that you will get back to her when you are in better shape. And then do just that. Concentrate on your needs and what your mom needs and just forget the rest.
My prayers are with you. Feel free to email me at any time if you just need someone to talk to anytime.
So very very sorry…
Distance yourself, and if you can’t cut her out (for your son’s sake, or for the sake of what was), smile and nod. She is no longer a “friend.”
One of my friends married a woman like this. Another friend described dealing with her like this: I don’t think of her as a real person. I think of her as a good friend’s annoying yap yap dog that you can’t be mean to, but you can ignore.
Yeah, sounds harsh, but there are actualized people in the world, and people we just put up with because actually slapping them across the head is bad and wrong.
Oh, man. I’ll add my condolences to the pile. A good friend of mine just lost his mother to cancer. I saw her a few days before she died. She couldn’t get out of bed, but at least she was at home, surrounded by people who loved her, and in good spirits. I guess that’s the best one can hope for in a situation like that.
As for the friend turning Christian on you, I can relate to that, too! I had a friend/co-worker who did pretty much the same thing. She and I used to have a lot of the same opinions about and outlooks on life and had a pretty good friendship as a result. We both considered ourselves agnostic and didn’t have much respect for organized religion. At one point she met a guy through Yahoo Personals and things quickly got serious between them. They started talking about marriage. Here’s the catch: he was Catholic, and she would have to convert to Catholicism to marry him. And she did. And then she started telling us how she didn’t convert for her husband-to-be, that she’d been “wanting to believe in God for a while now,” that Catholic services brought her the most comfort of any religious service she’d attended… As time went on, she just got more and more annoying about it. She started talking about Jesus and ignoring any logical arguments against her position. And she started taking herself so seriously. This is someone who used to have a great sense of humor who now was so wrapped up in herself and her new-found rigidness that she was more stressed out than anything else. So much for faith bringing comfort, eh? Anyway, various circumstances caused her to leave our company and me to move 1500 miles away, so I don’t really have any contact with her, but in those last days before we all went our separate ways, I could barely stand her.
When I look back on things, though, I start to see that she was primed for this type of thing from the beginning. She desperately wanted a “normal” life, complete with a 9-to-5 job, a husband, kids, etc. She also seemed to take comfort in being told what to do, which explains the appeal of Catholicism, I suppose.
Anyway, the bottom line is that it sucked to lose a friend to religious zealousness.
We do not know each other, but I join in saying that I am terribly sorry to hear about your Mom’s illness. I know that this will be no comfort to you, but I am happy to hear that she will have the chance to spend her last days at home with her family instead of in a hospital. Be as gentle with yourself as you can. When my wife was dying, I put physical and emotional stresses on myself that caused irreparable damage to my body and my brain. (Yes, I do mean irreparable. Emotional stress and extreme sleep deprivation caused my bipolar disorder to express itself, and and I have permanent lymphedema in both legs because I refused to rest my body.) Your mom would not want you to hurt yourself while taking care of her. Impossible as it is, try to sleep when you can, and if you can’t, lie down anyway. Mom is nearby. In all likelihood, she will not slip away without warning – and if it happens that she does, I assure you it will be because she feels in her heart that that is what is best for you. May her passing be as peaceful as possible for her and for you. I am so very sorry.
Regarding your clueless pal, may I suggest that if your mailbox permits it, you set a filter on it so that it doesn’t accept mail from her for a while? That way, you can sign on without getting tense anticipating what new piece of rancid tripe you will find in your inbox. Ignorance can be bliss in some circumstances.
IRL, I suggest liberal use of the following:
1.) I’m sorry, I can’t talk right now.
2.) That is not something I want to discuss with you.
3.) I am glad you find comfort in your beliefs, however, I do not want to talk about them.
If she just refuses to back off, you may have to be blunt. Better yet, have a member of your family run interference for you at least until after your Mom passes. This kind of stress you do not need, but you also don’t need to deal with the kind of bitterness you may feel in your heart later on if you let yourself go and really lay into the jerk.
{{{{{{{{{Kelli}}}}}}}}}
Remember, the real christians are the ones who help you out in your times of need, not preach at you.
They may not even think they are christians, but if any of your buds are helping you, then THEY are the real christians.