I can't stand my cousin's boyfriend.

[Athena]

*Originally posted by LordVor *
**DPWhite, do you know of an example where that actually worked? Where the man actually said, “Fair enough, I will leave the woman I’ve been freeloading off of without trying to poisen her against you so I can go back to living in a shack by myself and avoid the opportunity to get sympathy from her and legal retaliation against you for the beating you gave me,” and the woman followed it with “Oh, thank you my big, strong male savior for driving off the man who I, in my feminine frailty, would never have thought of leaving myself. I’ll never jump into a relationship with a scumbag again, for it was only my inability to see his weaknesses that caused me to get into that horrible relationship and that will never happen again.”
**

Not quite the same situation, but 15-20 years ago, Mr. Athena called off his wedding one week before it was scheduled because a good friend of his sat him down and said “I think you’re making a mistake, and here’s why.” Mr. Athena says it was the best thing that every happened to him - he sees clearly now that the wedding would have been a BIG mistake.

[LordVor]

Athena, I think you actually help make my point. You talk to the person you care about and try to get them to see your reasons. Mr. Athena’s friend didn’t go to Mr. Athena’s fiancee and say “leave Mr. Athena now or you’ll get a beating”. All that would have accomplished would be making Mr. Athena mad at his friend.

-LV

[Girl_Hermit]

Thank-you to all who have replied. You’ve given me some things to think about.

Rushing in and whisking her away or doing things like having all the men break his kneecaps, while something my SO and her father might like to do, is not something in reality that will be done. He is not Satan Incarnate here. He’s a freeloading bum with no social skills, an abrasive personality and unproven emotional and control issues. It would also put her in the position of feeling the need to defend him and we don’t want that either. He is not good for her and I don’t think it’s a particular healthy relationship but I don’t think he is the devil either.

Our goal is not to give her an ultimatum. An ultimatum, as I understand it, is to say, “Do X or else we will do Y” and that is not our intention. We don’t plan on asking her to leave him. Her living with him is her business and her decision. We just don’t want * us * to be around him anymore. But now some of you have me wondering if she will see this “cutting him out of our lives” as an ultimatum regardless.

• Originally posted by LordVor

In any case, there’s some reason why she’s still with him. Talk to her, try to figure it out, and, very, very carefully, try to question her reasoning. You have to be careful, because the reason is more likely to be an emotional one (“I just love the lunk.” “It’s better than being alone.”)*

Bolding Mine.

I think you hit the nail on the head here ** LordVor. ** I think she loves him but I also think a good part of it is she figures having him freeload is better than not having him there at all.

So now I am thinking that a long talk with her about * why * we don’t like him is in order before we go the “cut him out of our lives” route. We’ve all avoided this type of conversation with her so far because we didn’t want to hurt her but the consensus here seems to be that it might be the route to go. I’m still kind of worried that even this will result in something like what happened to ** Scarlett67’s ** sister though.

[LordVor]

I think she loves him but I also think a good part of it is she figures having him freeload is better than not having him there at all.

Well, then there’s a couple of ways you can convince her otherwise, if that’s the route you want to take:

1. Remind her of all the fun stuff that she misses out on because “Her friends know there is no point inviting her anyplace anymore because he sulks and pouts if she makes plans that don’t include him and she ends up backing out and staying home.” Tell her that he’s alienating all of her family. Try to show her that, no, he’s not better than nothing.

2. Hope she meets a nicer guy. It worked wonderfully for the Lady Vor.

-LV

[Cat_Whisperer]

I don’t think there is any right answer to this problem. If you tell her she’s welcome, but Barney isn’t, you risk her choosing Barney over her family. If you say neither of them is welcome, you risk her becoming closer to Barney because she feels her family has turned their back on her. If you say nothing, then everyone else is unhappy, watching Barney mistreat her. Maybe the best thing you can do is sit her down and tell her everything you’ve told us here, focusing on the fact that the way Barney treats her is making everyone unhappy, because she deserves so much better.

[pesch]

Fraid I’d have to agree with Featherlou, but you also have some right to choose who you associate with. That’s why I suggested the needling, as a way to get him to act out which should make him look bad, or immature before his GF.

The idea, you see, would be to do it in a friendly way. Not with anger. Not getting into his face. Not launching into accusations. If he explodes and you don’t, you’ve won. And if he launches into a “Woe is me, you’re all against me,” that’s when it’s time for some simple truth-telling. Again in a calm, reasoned way.

Unfortunately, this is wild-ass guessing on my part. I sense that you don’t want to bring this to a head, because she will then have to choose, and there’s a good chance she’ll choose wrong. Alternatives seem few and far between.

[Girl_Hermit]

I think you’re right ** featherlou. ** There * is * no one right solution and there are risks involved no matter what we decide.

So I guess having a long heart-to-heart with her will be the first step. Explain why the family has issues with him and why we don’t feel we can socialize with him any longer. All without attacking him personally. Or calling him Barney.