I Could Use Some Advice: I Am At The End Of My Rope

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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[OP requests you now check post #43 for an update- ITD]

Here’s the situation: my wife and I are this close to being destitute. She will. not. work. She could get a job at a preschool tomorrow and bring in some much-needed income, but she steadfastly refuses, saying she’s more comfortable babysitting (two children) and she “doesn’t like being around people.” She probably has a point, as she’s been diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression, and the medicine she takes only goes so far. We’ve applied for Disability, but the process could take years, and that’s IF she can convince her doctor to write a letter of support.

I, on the other hand, have lost or quit in disgust every job I’ve ever had. My therapist believes I may have Borderline Personality Disorder, a devastating mental illness that oft ends in suicide. I’ve been suicidal more times than I can count, and my love for my mother is just about the only thing keeping me from pulling the trigger (literally). Right now I’m slogging away at my work-from-home job (freelance writing), pulling in next to nothing. I could probably get a job tomorrow too, but given my history I would just be putting off the inevitable.

We have tried everything: food stamps (we make “too much money”), LIHEAP (same), Section 8 (ditto), Medicaid (also), and so on. Government assistance won’t be happening. Her family could help us, but I don’t believe it’s up to them to subsidize us.

Long story short: I want out. Out of my marriage, out of this town, out of my own life. Lately I’ve been considering packing a bag and striking out for Florida and maybe staying at a homeless shelter until I can save up enough money to buy a van to live out of. That way I would at least be warm and able to eat.

Even then, I’m still going to be sick. You don’t cure BPD by moving to a new town.

I look back on my life and, since puberty, I’ve had maybe five good years. The rest has been poverty, drama, depression, and so on. Therapy and medicine help somewhat, but at the end of the day I realize that this is going to be with me for the rest of my life. That it’s never going to get better is not a thing I’m prepared to live with for another 30-40 years.

If anyone has any advice I would love to hear it.

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If your life sucks now, running away is going to suck even more. Just a different suck.
Problems are not forever. I know it sounds cliched, but well that’s why a cliche is a cliche because its true.

Try and solve the immediate problem you are facing.Concentrate on that. Right now you need money. Get a job. Its not forever. Get out of your current financial hole. Save up. maybe use your wife’s SAHM for as an advantage. She can assist you in running your side business, maybe taking care of non technical stuff (like correspondence). Network with people. Sell stuff online, you’d be surprised at the amounts you can make.

You don’t have to do exactly the, but you need to do SOMETHING. Maintaining Status quo is not realistic. You ain’t truly beat until you are out of ideas.

Best of luck. Don’t get down. Vent all you need. Don’t give in.

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Writing is not very profitable so find another method to earn money. A lot of people do flipping–buying and selling. Buy stuff at garage sales, thrift shops, auctions… and sell it on eBay, Amazon, Craigslist. Goto:

and start reading.

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I don’t have any advice right now other than just saying I’m so sorry about your situation. If it helps, keep venting here and folks will be glad to at least talk to you, and maybe that can help some.

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Can you get a job delivering pizzas? Mowing lawns? Shoveling snow? That will bring in some income.

As far as your wife goes, is she in therapy?

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Sorry. I’ve known at least 2 people with BPD in my life and unfortunately you are almost certainly totally unemployable, at least doing anything that involves ever dealing directly with another human being, which doesn’t leave a whole lot of options.

Only advice I can give you is to echo AK84’s advice to focus on the biggest, most immediate problem you have.

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How much help is your therapist really providing? I would look around for another one.

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Things can look overwhelming at times. It may help to break things down some, so it does not look like a giant, unmovable mountain.

Problems you solve, but circumstances you can do nothing about. Mental illness is a circumstance, and while effective treatment can help manage things, it will still be there. Lack of income is a problem, and it will take willpower and cooperation for you and your wife to solve that, but it IS solvable. Your writing suggests a state of urgency on your part - does she know how you feel? If she knew, do you think she may change her tune about finding work?

I am sorry for what is going on. Hang in there, and as others have stated - while this is just an anonymous message board, it is also a safe place to vent and let off steam. Cheap, too.

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I believe you need to just suck it up and get your butt to work. I’m not getting the sense that your disorder is so bad you can’t work.

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Well, I am sure that last one up there is not at all helpful. ^

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Well, from the OP’s own words, we know he’s had jobs before. And when you say things like: “I could get a job tomorrow, but meh, why bother when I know I’m just going to quit anyway”.

That doesn’t garner a whole lot of sympathy from me.

Lot’s of folks hate their jobs. But you don’t see them quitting and asking for government handouts.

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Yeah, diagnosed chronic depression here, but I agree with Grrr!. If destitution is your main problem, and you could get a job tomorrow, you have to get up and get that job and hold onto it. Case closed.

Go ahead with trying to get government help. Fine. But if you are together enough to convince someone to hire you, you have the self-mastery to hold on to a job. Mental illness is a reason for misery, but unless you need to be put away for your own good, it’s no excuse for throwing away jobs.

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<The rest of the post is snipped off because I want to emphasize this sentence.>

Sell your gun. For your own safety, for your wife’s safety, and for the safety of your children.

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There are many things we do that are putting off the inevitable. Like eat.

Fix the most stressful issue right now. Get a job. Even if you think - or know! - it won’t last. That will ease some pressure, and simultaneously add a different one. That will give you some breathing space to look art other issues with less anxiety.

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You can’t cure borderline personality disorder by running away. I saw you mention this, but it bears repeating. Running away will just create a whole new set of problems on top of your current issues.

I really don’t know the solution. Are the 2 kids yours?

Sounds like the real problem is mental illness. For you BPD, for your wife anxiety and depression. Money isn’t your problem, the fact that mental illness makes it impossible to earn money and impossible to have a high quality of life is the problem.

I don’t have a cure for BPD. Sadly its a disorder that isn’t too well understood. Dialectical behavior therapy can help supposedly, but at root it is a disorder due to fear of abandonment. Perhaps getting in touch with your abandonment issues in therapy could help take the edge off. If your BPD is rooted in some kind of trauma, then trauma therapy (EMDR, propranolol therapy, etc) could be helpful.

I wish I could tell you it will all be ok, but I can’t say that.

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No one owes you and your BPD (which one therapist thinks you MIGHT have! :rolleyes:) and your wife and her anxiety and depression anything. The two people who ARE owed something are the two kids you 2 decided to bring into the world (assuming they are yours and hers together.) And parenting your own kids is NOT babysitting. So stop your pity party, get up off your asses, get a couple of jobs and keep them. If wife refuses to work, divorce her ass. If the kids are yours, do what you can to get custody and/or maintain them.

Life can be very hard, and the world owes you not a thing.

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Incidentally, i also don’t like people, and there are real, legit work at home opportunities.

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Has this approach ever worked to cure a serious mental illness? That is the root issue. Why not scream at someone with ALS who is suicidal and can’t work?

If **HeyHomie **and his wife weren’t mentally ill, none of this would be a problem. Both would be gainfully employed, quality of life for both would be far higher, and their kids would be much better off.

The solution, to whatever degree possible, is tame the mental illnesses that are making his life and the life of his wife horrible. But again, that isn’t easy. We don’t understand a lot about how the brain works. Maybe in 50 years **HeyHomie **and his wife can go to an outpatient clinic and be cured, but right now that isn’t an option.

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Yeah - some people have BPD. Other people are entitled, lazy, assholes who had lousy role models and never realized that the world doesn’t owe them anything, they have to listen to the boss, and sometimes they have to keep their damned mouths shut and control their whims and emotions.

We’ve been around this track before. There are plenty of quacks out there who are happy to diagnose and treat folk based on their complaints. Now let’s talk about fibromyalgia, something we’d ALL agree on! :smiley: