"I cut my finger cleaning an onion. What do I do?"

Well, VunderBob, it could have been worse… it could have been you cutting the onion with your nuts when the knife slipped. Then where would you be?

See, it’s really best that it happened this way instead. Bright side and all that.

Hey…that’s right on the money. Hospitals are REALLY BAD PLACES to be when you have an open wound. All kinds of shit is crawling around.

I’m with UncleBeer…hospitals are bad places, especially if you’re sick or wounded. Typical male in this regard, I suppose. When faced with a trip to the ER or doctor’s office, I suddenly turn into the Black Knight from Monty Python’s Holy Grail. The mere thought of that sixteen hour wait in the ER makes everything short of disembowelment seem like a minor flesh wound.

Have I mentioned recently that Mr. Lissar broke his hand, didn’t realise it, and graded the next day for his green belt in both karate and kobudo (ancient weapons), which involved him punching people and people hitting him on his broken hand?!?

I never get tired of that story. Whenever he worries aloud about me being hurt I remind him that I’ve never let anyone hit me with a staff on my broken hand.

The one time I had a problem wth the wedding tackle while cutting stuff up was the time I was cleaning a mess of jalapeno peppers for a batch of salsa I ws making, and I stopped to take a leak.
:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :smack:

I danced for 20 minutes, and the wife laughed her fool head off at me the entire time. These days, I keep a box of surgical gloves on hand.

I can’t beleive it.

We’ve gotten all the way into this thread, and no-one’s suggested you simply tell your wife “'Tis but a Flesh Wound!” :smiley:

Oh, wait… :smiley:

It’s a hallowed rule in medicine - bleeding always stops. :dubious:
One thing VB might not have considered is that in addition to mild panic from the injury, his wife might have been temporarily stupefied by onion fumes. A couple years back I tried to brew up a homemade insecticide from onions, garlic and hot peppers in the blender. The resulting toxic cloud nearly knocked out Mrs. J. and I.

Don’t underestimate vegetables.

“…and when you come to, the salsa’s done!”

Best wishes to and deepest sympathies for Mrs. VunderBob. I’ve been just as clumsy but luckier: still, my family’s probably consumed a quart of my blood over the years. When the kids go off to college (or wherever; as long as they’re gone), they’ll think the food is missing something. Mrs. Vunderbob needs to start working on her story now, though. “I was cleaning an onion and it went off,” probably isn’t quite the thing to impress the book club.

I’m sorry, but the things I’m picturing you doing with your cousin just aren’t things that should be done with members of the family.

What exactly is “dinking off”?

You know when one of you lays on your back with your feet in the air and the other one sits on your feet so you can see how far you can launch them through the air? I was launched really fast and really hard into the coffee table. That was one definition of “dinking off”. Another definition is riding tobogans down the stairs or folding each other up in the sofa sleeper.

My parents weren’t home, what can I say. :slight_smile:

When I got older, I learned of other definitions that didn’t involve my cousin, IYKWIM.

Plus, our HMO won’t pay for an ER visit if it’s not really an emergency (life-threatening), e.g., just wait with the broken arm until you can go see your PCP.

Luckily there is a walk-in clinic that isn’t too busy that will do things like stitches, ear infection, etc., and just charge the $10 visit co-pay plus X-ray charges if needed.

Can’t broken bones cut blood vessels open? I’ve read that’s the case with broken femurs. That sounds like a very stupid policy.

breaking wind can burst a blood vessel if you do it hard enough, you might be thinking of severing an artery

You put on surgical gloves every time you take a leak? That’s weird, dude.

At work, I stuck a box cutter clean into my palm. I showed it to my quesey boss, with a nonchalent “You think this needs stitches?”, at which point he ran out of the shop. Off I went for my first stitches ever. I was told to be a bit more FUCKING CAREFUL around knives. No probs. Few weeks later, stitches out. Cool.


The day after the stitches came out, I went and stuck another boxcutter into my other hand, worse this time. I felt like such a duh-brain that i told no-one, cleaned the wound and wrapped it up my self with some nice clean bandages. Ok, I didnt clean the wound, i just wrapped it up with bandages.

Ok, ok, I wrapped it in duct tape and kept my gloves on all day. I saw to it later that night… it did need stitches, but I felt like too much of a gom to admit that I stabbed myself twice in a fortnight.

I sure am glad to see someone else admit to doing that. Only in our case it was those aluminum snow saucers down the neighbor’s stairs. I think my brother ended up halfway through the solid wood front door. Can’t remember whether that was before or after I decided to skate across the same neighbors’ hardwood floor and ended up with a splinter about an inch deep in my toe. Or the time my brother and the neighbor piled into our old baby stroller at the top of the neighbors’ yard and rode it down the incline, across the street and into a parked car.

But it was two of my brothers that I folded up in our sofa sleeper. The hazards weren’t all at someone else’s house.

I’m not clear on what part this was dumb … I mean, Lost was on. :smiley:

Glad to hear your wife is all taken care of!

Yeah. While I’m whizzing away, I pull a glove over my head so it covers my nose but not my mouth. Inhale through the mouth, exhale through the nose, and blow it up like a balloon. When it’s roughly the size of a basketball, let it go flying. Drives the dog nuts.

Unfortunately, because I’m using my hands to hold the glove on my head, I piss all over the bathroom.


This thread has’t mouldered long enough to qualify as a zombie…

I stabbed myself an hour ago with a paring knife in the webbing between thumb and index finger. Not on purpose. Just thought I’d clarify. Anyhow, it’s not bleeding now, but it looks like it might start again. How long is too long to wait for stitches? Once I onion sliced the top bit o’skin off a finger and waited 24 hours before going in, then it was too late and I had a mummy wrapped finger for a week.

Oops, noting this is the Pit: Festering cunt of a paring knife! Danm the Sabatier clan to heck!