In the spirit of my last Pit Thread, Fuck My Spine and the Vertebrae it Rode In On, I would like to say a hearty FUCK YOU to my spine, and a fine helping of GO SUCK UNWASHED LLAMA ASS to my sacroiliac joints.
Look: all I’m trying to do is clean up my godforsaken house. I have guests tomorrow. I have a wedding to participate in on Saturday (bless the happy couple, mazeltov, confetti and doves). NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO CALL FOR AN ALL AROUND STRIKE, OKAY? Not only that, but for fuck’s sake, did this freakin’ condition have to come with IBS, too? I mean, shit on a stick! Actually, it wouldn’t STICK to a stick, now would it! Nooooooo…
So, here’s to chronic pain, to my hatred of pain medication and my avoidance of it until I can’t move, to trying to do simple stuff like, oh, say take a shower, get dressed and clean the house and not being able to without stopping every 30 minutes.
GAH!
Just had to get that out of my system. Now, I go ingest meds and contemplate drowing them with a beer. Just for shits (HA!) and giggles.
While we understand the nature of your complaint, the central nervous system is starting to get mightily irritated by your continued pressure. If, in fact, your intent is to extend this strike until August 3rd, we require you to vacate the premises.
Amputation of the lower back is starting to sound increasingly appealing to us. We respect your right to strike, but please respect our right to hire new staff in order to ensure continuation of vital services.
Yours,
Elenfair’s Central Nervous System & Motor Control Center
We will assume that your deliberate usage of the words “irritated” and “vacate” are ploys to work upon our sympathy.
Please be assured that our resolve is firm (unlike other things we could mention), and that we, the Sacroiliac Union (#314), in solidarity with the IBS Collective, will continue to strike.
We demand cleaner working spaces, more chondroitin for the lumbar discs, and great amounts of cheese and dairy products.
We have already agreed to introduce more chondroitin and glucosamine into the system for your benefit, along with a large quantity of anti-inflamatory drugs. At the IBS Collective’s request, we have added plenty of non-irritating, fiberful foods to the break-room supply cabinets.
While we understand your need to make your stand as a unified front, the Central Nervous System department is ready to shut you down permanently if our negotiations fail. I think you will agree that we need to reach a suitable mutual agreement if coexistance is the desired outcome. I doubt you, or any other worker in this great System would appreciate being put through another 5:15am MRI. Let’s not let it come to that.
Yours,
Elenfair’s Central Nervous System and Motor Control Center
We find no fault in the increased introduction of glucosamine and chondroitin. the anti-inflammatories are also welcome. We do not see any recorded reference to our request for cheese, however. This demand stands, and in addition, we require copious amounts of coffee-product.
Do not seek to threaten us with early-morning MRIs. We control the bowels and kidneys in this system, and any thought of unnecessary invasive procedures will be met with extreme methane-scented resistance.
If you wish to play “hardball” with the now-consolidated Sacroiliac IBS Union (“We Operate Behind You!”), we will seek to add mattress-based demands to our extensive list, as well as seeking sympathetic actions from the following bodily systems:
[ul]
[li]International Brotherhood of Kidney Stones[/li][li]Amalgamated Union of the Splenous [/li][li]Association of Liver-shaped Objects[/li][/ul]