which has betrayed me quite frequently this week. I’ve got a bad cough. Plus, the Atkins diet (which I’ve been pretty faithful too, though I’m not pounding the meat as much as the veggies) give me horrendous gas. Put the two together, and you get rapid, involuntary muscle spasms that force gas out of both ends.
I mean, I’m sitting in my cube, my gut is in knots, and I’m thinking “I better cut to the Men’s Room before I cut the cheese and embarass myself.” Then, my throat tingles and itches; my diaphragm contracts rapidly and <cough> <phhhbbbththbth!>
I mean, what could I do? Nothing. Just sit there, thinking “Oh, for fuck’s sake.” I’ve let rip one of those chainsaw farts, and this time the “silent but deadly” rule doesn’t apply. This one is embarassingly loud and caustic. I’ve simultaneously humiliated myself and offended half the office.
I don’t know what kind of point I’m hoping to make here. I guess I just had to vent. Ha. Ha ha ha. Fucking ha. I’m a pariah now, I know it. People are going home to their spouses and children to tell the story of their disgusting co-worker and his foul stench. Maybe I should pit the Atkins diet instead, or perhaps broccoli. Fucking Atkins! Fucking broccoli. Stupid legumes. Blah.
I too, thought this was going to be about anal acne, or a pilenodial (sp?) cyst or some such.
Nitpick/
Flatuance comes from the anal orifice not the anal pore.
/Nitpick
Do eat some active live culture yogurt. Seriously. Your culture of beneficial bacteria in your stomach might not be healthy and may need to be re-cultured. (Just taking antibiotics can cause this.) You can find frozen yogurt made with NutraSweet, that tastes quite good, and is active and live culture. (Look for both words on the label).
Beano might also work. Not sure, because isn’t that stuff for people’s flatuance caused by carbohydrates? Or is it vegetable material? They do make products aimed at helping gas in general though I can’t name any definitely. Phazyme?
Fennel seed and peppermint actually work to help flatuance. Fennel is good enough that I’ve used it to help a gassy baby, it’s gentle and works well. Take about a tablespoon of the seeds and cook them in about a cup of water for about 5 minutes, then leave to steep for another 5 minutes, make sure the water is not being heated in a metal pan, for some reason it takes away from the potency if you use a metal pan. (I can’t site this, but more than one book on using natural cures for small problems says this.) It tastes sort of like licorice, it’s an odd flavor, but it works. (It’s what they put in Italian sausage.) A few sips is all you need, and you can store the rest for a week or so in the fridge in covered container. Or, you could go to an herbal shop, and buy some peppermint tea. Yummy!
AHAHAHAHAHAHA. I started choking on my pretzels twice during this thread. Ahahahahahahaha. I’m sorry about your problem man, and try Beano.Apperenty, the commercials say you can eat all the veggies you like, and not get gassy. That must really suck when you rip one at work. In the mean time, keep on posting these. AHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh, and Silentgoldfish, your post was what made me choke on my pretzel.
